Page 44 of Sweet Vengeance (Sins of the Father #2)

Cillian

I can’t sleep. Hearing Ollie talk to the guys about possible fronts to launder money has stuck in my head.

Intensely. It’s only been a couple of months, yet he’s already accepted me murdering for him, despite it being the one thing he asked me not to do.

Now he’s helping sort out how we clean our money?

I’ve brought him into this life, changed him, made him responsible for Rory too.

In some ways, he’s basically taken on the two of us because Ollie has a big fucking heart.

I love that about him so much, but am I using him?

Abusing him? Forcing him to make changes?

I can’t get those thoughts out of my head as he sleeps peacefully beside me, clutching on to me like I’m his whole fucking world.

What if being with me changes his relationship with his father?

And what about the part of me that loved hearing him become involved in the discussion with Conan and Finan earlier? I should hate myself for that, and yet…

It’s not that I want to change Ollie, because I don’t, and I don’t ever want him in danger, but sharing some parts of my world with him is exciting. I’m not sure what that says about me, and it’s a reminder that who I am isn’t good for him.

My skin feels too tight, like for the first time in my life I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. I sneak out of the bed, needing to fucking move or think or something. In the dark, I pull on a pair of underwear, sweats, and a shirt, then go downstairs.

I head straight for my father’s bar and pour myself a whiskey, swallowing it down in two large gulps. I set the glass on the counter, hands shaking and thoughts spinning, when I see movement in my periphery.

My father is standing there, leaning against the wall.

He’s still in his suit from earlier, the hallway behind him, telling me he likely came from his office.

He’s never been the best sleeper. I remember him being up half the night often.

He would only go to bed when my mom forced him to, and when she died, there was no one to do that for him.

“You’re in love with him,” are the first words he speaks.

“No shit,” I snap. I’m not proud of my automatic reaction to my father every time he talks to me, but I don’t know how to be any other way.

“I needed to see it for myself.”

“So that’s what all this shit is about? That’s why I’m here? You pretended to want to what? Be a real family but it was just to see how I feel about Ollie?”

He sighs and gives a small shrug. “Yes and no.”

Leave it to my father to be so obscure. “Because that makes sense. I’m so glad you cleared that up for me.”

I pour another glass, make it halfway to my lips when his words stop me.

“I watched you with him tonight. Tiernan told me what he is to you, warned me that Ollie is involved with us now and that he would need to be protected, but again, I needed to see it with my own eyes. He makes you happy…makes you smile. Sometimes I forget what that looks like.”

I set the glass down, trying to put together what is actually happening here.

“You look at him the way I looked at her.” His voice is so soft, I barely make out the words.

I suck in a sharp breath. We don’t do this. We don’t talk about my mom.

“I miss her, Cillian. So fucking much. Even after all this time.”

Blood rushes through my ears, creating a screaming tornado. “I miss her too,” I admit.

Talk to me about her. Tell me why you abandoned me. Tell me that you love me and that you’re sorry. Tell me I matter to you.

But of course, he doesn’t. He would never do that.

“She made me happy…the way your Ollie makes you. It’s not easy, though.

You understand that, right? Loving someone, being with them, especially in this life.

I hurt her, often, without meaning to. I wouldn’t always be there when she needed me.

The things I do…we do…she accepted me and loved me fiercely regardless, but I can’t lie and say there weren’t times she struggled with it.

When she died, I thought of all the things I couldn’t give her, all the fights, her fears, the ways I broke her heart.

I always knew she’d be better off without me, but I kept her. I kept her because I was selfish.”

My gut twists tighter with each of his words. Nausea burns up my esophagus, vomit so close to spilling free. Every word he’s telling me has been my fear since this whole thing started, has been on my mind all night.

My father loved my mom. She was his world, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t have done for her…

except leave this behind. He tried so hard to make her happy, and he did, more than Sloan ever did with Fia.

She wanted to be with him. She chose him.

She could have left, but she never did, and loving him, choosing him, altered her world.

It limited her life, and it meant she lived with pain that most significant others never would.

How can I subject Ollie to that same pain?

“So I should just leave him? Break up with him?” Am I strong enough to do that, or am I just as selfish as my father is saying he was?

“I can’t answer that for you, son, but what I can do is give you an out.”

I stiffen, unsure I heard him correctly, and certainly not understanding.

“What are you talking about? Leaving this family? Walking away? That’s not how this works.

” If it were that easy, Dean’s father would have never been murdered by Sloan.

If people could just change their minds and walk away, it would change how everything worked, take out the loyalty and commitment.

It would be dangerous.

“If that’s what you want…if it’s truly what you want, I will make it work for you. I don’t care what I have to do to make it happen, who I’d have to kill, who I’d have to hurt, I would make it safe for you and Ollie.”

His words feel like a rip current, pulling me out to sea, untethering me from my life, from the world, letting me loose in this space I never knew existed.

I don’t want to leave. I know what that says about the kind of man I am. I want this life. I want to do the things I do…but I love Ollie. I don’t want to ruin him, to hurt him, for him to live his life in fear of something happening to me.

What if he wants to adopt kids one day? Will we even be able to? Will they follow in my footsteps?

The things my father just said about my mom create a whirlwind in my head.

Did he hurt her more than I know? Will I do that with Ollie?

Ruin his spirit? I don’t want to change him, to be the reason he can’t have every-fucking-thing he wants in his life, everything he deserves.

I want him to have an easy life, one that those around him can be proud of.

“You want me out?” I find myself asking.

He studies me for a moment, stare intense, brows furrowed.

“That’s a difficult question for me to answer.

I want to run this with you, to rule with you.

To share my world with my only son…but is that me being selfish like I was with her?

What if I ruin you? I don’t want you to live with the pain of hurting him the way I did with her. ”

My hands shake, my eyes sting. I swipe at them, refusing to let myself cry. It’s as close to a declaration of love that I’ve gotten from him in a long time, too long.

And I don’t want to turn into him. I don’t want any of this to change me either.

How do I do this? How do I leave Tiernan? Aislin? Dean? Rory… God, we would all fucking lose Rory if I did that. How do I leave this life that I love? But how do I not if it’s better for him?

“Yes. Do it. Make it happen. I want out.”

“Want out of what?” Ollie’s sleepy, confused voice interrupts us.

My gaze snaps over to see him coming down the stairs. “Nothing. We’ll talk later. Go back upstairs.”

That seems to jerk him out of his sleepy state. “Um, excuse you? Don’t tell me what to do. You want out of what, Cillian?” He comes downstairs, his demeanor more on edge and alert.

“This. What we do. The life. It’s not a big deal.” But it is a big deal, a decision I will make for him.

“What the hell are you talking about it’s not a big deal!

Yes it is.” He turns on my father. “What did you do? How did you talk him into that?” He pokes his finger into my father’s chest with each new sentence.

“You don’t get to take this away from him!

To push him away because you’re not strong enough to deal with your emotions and your regrets about how you treated him! ”

My father’s jaw tightens. He looks murderous, but to his credit, he doesn’t move to touch Ollie. He doesn’t push him back. There’s no doubt in my mind it takes everything inside him not to.

“Jesus, Kitten. Don’t do that.” I walk around the bar and head for them.

“I will. Someone needs to wake him up.” He turns to my father again. “You can’t take his family away from him. I won’t let you do that. I won’t let you hurt him anymore.”

My father cocks a brow. “And what will you do about it?”

“Whatever I have to.”

His voice even, my dad says, “Lower your hand. Speak to Cillian about this. I didn’t force him to do anything. I gave him a choice, and I did it for you…for both of you.” My father tries to take a step away, but Ollie doesn’t let him.

“I don’t need you to do anything for me!” Ollie shouts, startling me. “I need you to fucking love him! All he’s ever wanted is for his father to love him! That’s what he needs, and that’s what I want for him!”

“Why do you think I’m doing this? I love my son.”

“Show it in other ways, not this one, not telling him he can walk away from his life, from the people he loves. And maybe you should try telling him sometime, fucking talk to him once in a while, not because you have to, but because you want to. He needed you.” Ollie’s voice breaks, and it’s clear that he’s crying…

because he’s not afraid to be open with his feelings, not afraid to put it all out there.

“He needed you, and you left him alone, and I know you’re hurting.

I can see it, but he’s always going to be my first priority. You should try and make him yours too.”

I know I should move, but I can’t. I know I should stop Ollie from talking, but I can’t do that either. I can’t stop focusing on his words, the love in them, the way he’s standing up for me, risking himself for me.

“You don’t think I live with that every fucking day?

” my father bellows, and then…then his attention isn’t on Ollie anymore.

It’s on me, broken and pained and…are those tears in his eyes?

“I hate myself for it every fucking day, but I don’t know how to change it.

How to fix it. I hurt you…worse than I did her.

I was so broken when she died that I left you to live in that same emptiness alone, and that will forever be the regret of my lifetime.

I just… How do I fix it, son? How can I be what you deserve? ”

And in this moment, my heart opens to him, lets him in. He’s not perfect. He’s hurt me. Left me, ignored me, but he’s still my father.

“You try,” I answer simply. “I just need you to try…and I’ll be better about trying too.” Because I see now that it’s what having us come to Boston was about, and the random phone call a while back too. Maybe it’s not enough, maybe it’s a small start, but it’s a start all the same.

“I can do that.” He pushes his hands into his pockets.

“I want to do that. Hearing about the two of you these past few months…well, it put things into perspective. You’re growing up, you’re in love…

and I’ve let all this time pass. You’re right here, so close, yet I’ve let it pass.

She would never forgive me for that, but as true as that is, it’s not just for her.

All the shit with Sloan, the way he was to Tiernan before he died. I don’t want that to be us.”

“I don’t want it to be us either,” I admit, tentatively. I can’t believe any of this is happening.

“Good. Okay. It’s a start.” He turns to Ollie, giving him a smile. “You’re good for him. I had my doubts, but you are. Brave and maybe a little dangerous too.”

“I’m the dangerous one?” Ollie asks.

“For him, you would be. Just…don’t go around doing what you did with me to everyone. They won’t all be as understanding as me.”

“I can’t help it. I love him. I will always defend him.”

And he will. I don’t doubt that.

“I’m glad to know he has that.” My father looks at me. “I’ll let the two of you talk. I won’t take your answer from a few minutes ago as gospel. Let me know what you want me to do.”

“I will. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. And I’m sorry.”

My father walks away, but for the first time in too long, I have hope that maybe things will get better between us.