Page 34 of Sunrise (Monarch Club #3)

Vault

Splashing water on my face does nothing to calm me the fuck down.

My dick won’t deflate because the thrill of the chase, the rush of adrenaline in the fight, and the fucking tightness of Knox’s ass has infiltrated my system like a virus.

I told him this morning to be the one to call Red if Sophie or I went too far. And what did he do? Opened my gate, slapped my ass, and set me loose.

He didn’t call Red. He was the Red. My demons ran straight to him and tore him to shreds.

Taking Knox like that was never part of the plan.

Fuck. That’s a lie. I’ve spent countless nights envisioning the two of us tangled in intense passion. But not like what just happened out there. Jesus, I hurt him. Again.

All I do is hurt the people I love.

Is Sophie next?

Did I sabotage what we’ve built already?

Why can’t I just have something nice and good in my life without tearing it apart so it can’t destroy me first? I’m broken because of what happened to me. Sex is a mindset, or a survival skill. It’s rarely for my pleasure anymore, and the one time I let loose, I turn into a monster.

I squeeze my eyes shut and scream inside my mind.

“It’s not the same,” Knox says quietly by the door. “What you did and what he did… it’s not the same, Alex.”

“Yes, it is.” Only Knox instigated what we just did, and I’d been drugged and tied up when I was younger. “Taking by force is taking by force. End of story.”

“You didn’t take it. I gave it. Happily.” He gingerly sits on the side of the soaking tub and holds the rim. “I’m telling you CNC is not the same as what you went through.”

It feels the same to me. Why would Knox let me take him like that? Why did he beg me to do it?

And why did I have to love it so much?

Holy hell. Dmitri and Ryker watched the whole thing. Not even Sophie ended the scene. Everyone I know and love saw what I did. What I am.

I know Knox would do anything for us, but… he didn’t once try to fight me off. If anything, he encouraged me. Does that make him a monster too, or an enabler, or something else?

“I ravaged you.” My voice is unrecognizable.

“Yes.” He clears his throat. “How does that make you feel?”

“I told you already. Like a monster.”

“Deeper than that, Alex.” His eyes are fixed on my back. Is he staring at the Medusa tattoo? “How do you feel… at the bottom?”

My throat tightens. This is not a time to lie. Even if it was, I wouldn’t.

“Excited,” I admit. And I didn’t even have an orgasm.

Knox doesn’t look at all surprised. “When you use Shibari in a scene, do you think of the way your wrists were tied back then?”

Wow, he’s cutting deep today. “Yes.”

“How do you think your rope bunny feels when they’re bound and immobilized by you?”

“Safe.”

“Why?”

“Because they trust me.”

“Exactly.” He stands behind me and we stare at each other through the mirror. “I trust you, Alex.”

“I hurt you.”

“You gave yourself to me. You were raw and vulnerable and passionate. It was the real you.”

I don’t want to hear his acceptance. Knox should strangle me for what I did to him.

He frowns, thoughtfully. “I knew I had a primal kink but didn’t expect it to be so… head rushy.”

“That wasn’t a chase through the woods. That was an attack.”

“Yeah, but there’s always next time.” He waggles his eyebrows at me. “I’ll submit then, too. Don’t worry your pretty little head.”

“Primal hunts and CNC are not the same, Knox.”

He shrugs. “They can be.”

He’s not flustered like me. Not shaking like me. Not ashamed like me. I wish I was more like Knox. “How did you know you had a primal kink?”

“Um because my smut books tell me so.” The more he talks, the better I feel. “I’ve read enough shifter romances to know that I’m down for a hunt and chase.” Knox tilts his head and stares at my reflection. “I guess I should be grateful you don’t have a knot.”

“What the fuck is a knot? Wait.” I hold my hand up. “No, no. Don’t tell me.”

“I’ll give you my favorite omegaverse book and you can find out yourself.” He clutches his chest. “I would never spoil the surprise.”

The excruciating tightness in my chest eases a fraction. I can finally take in a deep breath.

How does he always know how to make me feel better? Bracing against the counter, I stare at our reflection. There’s a cut on his lip and bruising on his cheek. I’m not much better looking, if I’m honest. “We look like Dmitri.”

Knox’s shoulders bounce as he quietly laughs. The harder he tries to keep it in, the louder it gets. Then it becomes contagious because I’m cracking up too. The emotional whiplash I’m getting today is wild.

“Jesus, I hope we’re better looking than that ugly motherfucker.” Knox flips the camera in the bathroom his middle finger. A secondary red light blinks back at us, which means D’s still watching.

Tears stream down my face and I hold my stomach as I keep half laughing, half falling apart. I’m a mess. This is so unlike me. Vault doesn’t unravel and shutdown. Vault doesn’t feel emotions.

Maybe that’s why they kept using my real name out there. To remind me I’m human.

“Come here.” Knox pulls me against his chest and squeezes the life out of me. “You’re going to be okay.”

If only that were true.

“Liking what you like doesn’t make you bad, Alex. I can’t even believe I’m the one giving this lecture considering you’re the one who works at the Monarch as a Dom.”

He’s right. But sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge the kinks we have, and this is the first time I have been able to indulge in that particular one.

I can’t imagine ever doing something like that to a woman, though.

Especially Sophie. That’s a hard limit for me, which I’ll have to explain before we even come close to doing this again.

“I’m sorry for degrading you about being so subservient earlier.”

“Meh, it’s fine.” He pulls back and taps his temple. “I like not having to think. My two brain cells are always fighting for their lives up here. They need a break, bro.”

I laugh again, and it feels good. When was the last time I felt good ?

“We need to put salve on your back.” I should probably get antibiotic ointment for that cut on his lip, too. And an ice pack. “Go sit on the bed and I’ll grab what we need to fix you.”

His hand steadies on my shoulder and he turns me around to face him. “I don’t need fixing, Vault.”

“You’re hurt and—”

“I’m fine .” His big smile splits his lip even more. “I can take a hit, Alex. I’m not made of glass.”

All those years he took the brutality of his father’s anger and confusion. All that pain and fear. All the unpredictability…

“I was built for this,” he whispers. “I was built for you .” He holds my face to stop me from looking away. “I won’t let you hurt me.”

“Take another hard look in the mirror, Knox. I already have. ”

“This isn’t pain.” He licks the fresh blood from his cut. “This is healing.”

He needs a therapist if he’s saying shit like that.

“Healing isn’t going to be pretty, Alex. It’s messy and painful and hard.” He shifts on his feet and presses against me. “It’s fucking beautiful, isn’t it?”

I fall under his spell. His eyes are so pretty, his dark lashes, the slope of his nose, the fullness of his mouth, his chin and cheeks and hair and—

“Yeah, it is. More…” I clear my clogged throat. “More stunning than a sunrise.”

We close in on each other and kiss. I don’t know how it’s always possible for this man to ensnare me so easily. It’s one of the reasons I’ve kept my distance over the years. Because once you fall with Knox, you don’t stop.

There is no catching me at the bottom, because my love for him has no goddamn bottom.