Page 11 of Sunrise (Monarch Club #3)

Knox

The flip happens so fast. One minute I’m kissing the love of my life, the next, he’s in a downward spiral panic attack that has me gripping his shoulders to keep him from bolting.

“RED!” he screams and shoves me away.

“The scene’s over,” Sophie says quickly while he gets worse. “Vault, it’s done.”

He’s not hearing us.

Jesus, I don’t know what I did wrong. I stayed still. I didn’t kiss back. I did exactly what he wanted. “What did I do wrong?”

Vault’s legs give out, his knees slamming to the floor.

The suite door opens, and Ryker rushes in.

“Don’t!” I bark, thrusting my hand out. “I can take care of him.”

“He’s beyond you,” Ry says, and it’s such a kick in my fucking balls.

“No, he’s not.”

Sophie’s cooing sweet words into his ear, talking him through his panic attack. I should be grateful for her stepping up like this, but I’m not. “Back away from him, Soph.”

This is between me and Vault. No one else .

She may know what happened to him back in the day, but she wasn’t there. She doesn’t understand fully. Neither does Ryker.

Honestly… neither do I.

No one knows unless you’ve been in that position yourself…

I’ve sent Vault a dozen texts that have all been left on delivered.

Fucker’s ignoring me? That’s not okay. We haven’t seen each other for three days, thanks to that damn volunteer work he does, and my insecure ass has convinced myself that he’s found someone better than me in the past seventy-two hours.

That’s also not okay.

I’m working on my inferiority complex, I swear.

Knocking on his door, no one answers, so I use the key he gave me for when I need a break from my pops and a safe space to cool down in. It’s Monday. I skipped school because his location on my cell says he’s here.

“Alex!” I check his room first. “Where the fuck are you?”

I hear him in the bathroom, vomiting.

Shit.

“Yo…” I push open the door. “You got the flu or something?”

I nearly piss myself when I see him curled on the floor, one arm around the toilet seat. He’s a fucking wreck. Pale cheeks, veins bursting around red eyes. He’s shaking like a heroin addict in need of a fix.

“What the fuck’s wrong?” I drop down beside him to help.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Let me help you.” We can die of the plague together if it’s contagious. “Did you eat something bad at—”

“Don’t touch me!” he screams, cowering into the corner by his tub.

I throw my hands up as I step closer to him. He screams and kicks me away. “Alex, stop!”

“Don’t look at me!”

I… I don’t know what to do. I just know there’s no way in hell I’m going to leave him alone like this. So, I sit down and give him space. I focus on the grey grout lines of his bathroom tile and rock back and forth, waiting patiently for him to get better.

We stay that way until he’s cried every last drop of moisture out of his body. It’s been hours. All I want to do is hold him. Make him better.

Because I know what’s happened.

I see the blood stain on his boxers.

I see the bruising on his wrists.

I see the scratches down his back.

He didn’t get into the kind of fight I sometimes do. He got into something a million times worse.

“Who did it?” Because they’re going to die. “Who fucking did it, Alex?”

He’s going catatonic. Eyes glazed over, he’s slumped against the wall, listing towards the tub.

Tears I don’t feel drip down my face, soaking my shirt.

He’s mine.

Mine .

I protect what’s mine.

“Alex.” I crawl over and hold his face in my hands. “Please, look at me.”

He’s a robot with the power turned off.

“Alex, please, let me help.” I kiss him, but he doesn’t kiss me back. My stomach drops. “Alex, please. We need to get you help.”

How do I make this better? I can’t call Ryker and Dmitri. This isn’t my secret to tell. They’ve got so much bad shit going on in their lives anyway. Vault would hate me if I added to their pile up.

It’s me and him. Ride or die, to the end.

I’m scared this is the end.

“Hey, I’ve got you, alright?” Hooking his arm around my shoulders, I try to stand him up. He cries out. Maybe his ribs are broken? “We have to get you to a hospital.”

“No.”

“Vault, we—”

“NO!” He shoves away from me and climbs into the shower. “No one can know about this.”

What does he mean? We have to tell someone! He’s been violated… hurt… “You need help.”

“I don’t need anything.” He turns on the water and grabs the loofah. “I’m okay now. It’s done.”

He’s not okay. Nothing about this is okay.

But if he doesn’t want to tell anyone, I’ll respect it because I don’t know what else to do.

He starts crying again and I quickly climb into the tub with him and yank the curtain closed.

He’s not going through this alone. Not today, not tomorrow, not in fifty fucking years.

Cold water saturates my jeans. My shoes are still on because I was in such a hurry to find him when I got here, I never took them off at the front door like I’m supposed to. He shakes violently and I adjust with the faucet to warm the water up more for him.

“I’ve got you.” My voice sounds small and stupid. “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”

Alex cries against my shoulder.

And I fucking cry with him…

Without looking at Ryker or Sophie, I loop Vault’s arm around my neck and get him into the bathroom .

“Get the water going for us,” I say to Sophie, falling back into old actions. She cries silently as she turns the faucet on and I tip my head to the door. “Wait outside, okay?”

Nodding, she leaves, and I put all my energy into Alex. “I got you.” We step into the shower, and I rest his ass on the bamboo bench.

His red-rimmed eyes look up at me. “I fucked up.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“That day…” He swallows hard and looks away from me. The ice that shoots into my veins has nothing to do with the shower. “I told you not to touch me. I kicked you away.”

“I told you before, and I’ll say it again, it’s okay.

” I grab the loofah and soap it up in case he needs to scrub himself raw like he used to back then.

I’m such a fucking enabler. “You did what you needed to do for yourself, Alex. You were violated and traumatized and couldn’t stand to be touched afterwards.

Your actions were a defense mechanism. I get it.

” We’ve been over this before. I never understand why he gets hung up on that part, of all things.

“I hurt you by doing that.”

Is that what he thinks?

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he whispers.

But he did a hundred times after that day. Probably more. I never counted. “I told you, none of it matters. You did what you thought you had to do.”

He shut me out. Almost committed suicide. And then he left for college and ghosted me until he was forced to come back for another tragedy in our lives.

“You don’t ever have to apologize to me for shit, Alex.” He did nothing wrong. Even if it shattered my heart sometimes, I’ll never blame him for his actions. “Nothing that happened was your fault.”

Steam billows around us, but I’m freezing fucking cold.

“I need you,” he mumbles. “To hold me.”

The loofah falls to the floor immediately, and I wrap him in the tightest embrace possible. Pretty sure he can’t breathe. At least this time, he’s not dry heaving bile onto my arm.

“I’m so sorry I fucked this night up.”

My heart seizes. I can’t swallow. “You did amazing out there.”

“I’m never coming back from that day, am I?”

It’s been many years since he was raped, and he’s come an incredibly long way since then. I can’t believe he doesn’t see it. “You should be proud of yourself. You’ve put in a lot of effort to work through your trauma.”

Therapy and all.

“It doesn’t matter if I can’t get back to where I belong.”

“You’re exactly where you belong,” I say in a gentle tone. “Look at us.”

He’s soaked in his clothes, including his shoes. I’m naked in a collar.

Vault chokes back a small laugh.

This isn’t his first panic attack with me. Nor will it likely be the last. My sorry ass always depends on dark humor to see us through it. I hold him tight and just breathe in his scent. It’s strange to feel so calm and on solid ground in this moment.

Guess I’ve come a long way too.

“He’s right about you.” Vault tips his head up to look at me. “Ryker said he’d follow you off a cliff because you’d catch him at the bottom.”

Jesus. He said that? I mean, he’s absolutely fucking right, but I never thought anyone noticed how hard I try to keep everyone from crashing out or dying young.

“I want to follow you off the cliff, Knox.” His hands rise to my face, and he cups my cheeks. “Catch me at the bottom, okay?”

Vault kisses me in the shower and I fucking kiss him back.