Page 21 of Sunrise (Monarch Club #3)

Vault

I didn’t stay longer than necessary at Sophie’s. After giving her that necklace, I figured it was better to leave than stay and be up her ass all day. Before I left, she mentioned that Knox wants us over for breakfast tomorrow morning. I’m heading there now instead.

This entire week has been wonky as fuck.

My mind is a battle zone and holding Sophie all night made it worse.

She’d jump up from a dead sleep, gasping, then fall back onto her pillow, still out like a light.

That’s not normal. Not to mention all the locks and shit around her house.

I mean, I appreciate the extra precaution, because I want my girl as safe as possible, but damn.

Three deadbolts on her front door? Plus, a security system and an extra lock on her bedroom?

That’s a lot, which, in my experience, means she’s been through something bad.

I want to know what happened so I can help her work through it.

Maybe I should install my own security cams at her place to monitor everything.

Stop being a psycho .

Zooming through the streets, I head straight to Knox’s. He doesn’t answer when I knock, so I use my key and let myself in.

Jesus, it smells good in here. Knox’s place is basically a library with some furniture shoved into it.

He must have over a thousand books stuffed into the wall-to-wall bookshelves.

More are stacked in piles all over the floor.

He’s got blankets galore and I swear even his couch is the most comfortable thing ever. It’s neat and cozy and perfect.

Unlike my cold ass house, which I barely go to anymore.

Vault : Where are you rn?

I’m left on delivered.

Dropping my ass onto his couch, I lean back and close my eyes. The next thing I know, the door is opening, and I jump out of a deep sleep, confused and disoriented.

Knox freezes, halfway through the door, and gawks at me.

I shake my head to wake the hell up and stand to stretch. “Sorry. I must have dozed off.”

The door slams shut behind him. “What are you doing here?”

Words fail me. Knox is dripping in sweat, wearing a pair of gym shorts, a t-shirt, and has a backwards baseball hat on. He must have been out for a run.

“Earth to Vault. Why are you here?” He walks up to me, concern etching his face. “Is something wrong?”

“Why does something have to be wrong?”

He scoffs. “You don’t show up unannounced unless something’s up.”

Is that true? I try to sift through a lifetime with this motherfucker and… “No, I don’t. I come over all th e time.”

“Planned invites. Call aheads. Not out of the blue anymore, bro.”

Again, I try to go through a billion memories and fall short. “I’m sorry.”

There’s nothing else I can really say because I think he might be right. I run to him when I need help. Other than that, we just chill when it’s planned. I used to show up unannounced just because I missed him, but those days are long gone.

Until now.

“I missed you,” I confess.

“Something must be in the Monarch Club’s water supply,” he mumbles, walking away from me.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

Maybe he didn’t fucking hear me. “I said I missed you.”

Halfway to his kitchen, Knox turns around.

He’s guarded and I get it. I’ve built a massive wall between us and only allow friendship through the cracks, which also hasn’t been the same since I started working at the Monarch Club.

Maybe he doesn’t understand why I submerged myself in an environment that thrives on the very thing I struggle with.

Or maybe it’s that I’m a popular stone top with the Butterflies and that makes him jealous.

Or maybe he’s fucking clueless.

“I’m trying,” I say, exposing myself. “I’m fucking trying , Knox.”

He slumps. “I know you are.”

As if somehow surrendering, he closes the distance between us and wraps his hand around the back of my neck. Pressing his forehead to mine, he stares at me for so long that I almost cave and tell him something I shouldn’t yet.

“I’m trying too,” he finally says. “But this hurts .”

I feel myself retreating into my mental soundproof rooms again. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt this man. Maybe I should have never tried to get back what we lost. Maybe I should have cut ties and ended everything instead.

“Tell me how to stop loving you,” he whispers, begging me. “Fucking tell me how, Alex, because I’ve never figured it out.”

I can’t breathe.

I can’t move.

I can’t speak.

His hand slides off the back of my neck until he’s cradling the side of my face and runs his thumb along my cheek. “I’ve loved you for so long, I don’t know where I end, and you begin.”

I know. Fuck… I know .

“I’ve loved you too.” Does it make him happy to hear that? Judging by his expression, it doesn’t seem like it.

“Loved.” He backs off. “Not love.”

I misspoke. Shit. “I love you now too.” My body feels awkward when I take a step forward. I’m all robotic and it’s messing with my head. “I’ve never stopped loving you. I just don’t know how to be with you anymore.”

My honesty must feel like a dagger to his heart.

“It’s not that hard.”

Yes, it is. He doesn’t get it. I’m so fucked up. The mere thought of having someone inside me again has me spiraling. I don’t want to draw lines between us if we want to mend our relationship. I want to be able to give myself fully to him.

The saddest part is, he’d live off the scraps of affection I’d throw at him. I know it with every fiber of my being. But giving him only pieces of me isn’t good enough. He deserves better than that, and so do I.

“It’s not hard for you to be with Sophie,” he says, testing me.

“She’s different.”

That was a mistake. He backs all the way off and leaves me stranded in his living room with my heart on the floor.

“She came to the restaurant last night and begged me to fuck her.”

Long ago, I’d call him a liar. When we were teenagers, he’d always say shit to rile me up. But he wouldn’t lie about Sophie. She’s as precious to him and she is to me. I can tell.

“That must have been nice for your ego,” I say, laying back down on his couch like I’m here to chill. Folding my arms over my chest, I close my eyes and get comfy. Maybe this will calm my frantic heart down, so I don’t stroke out.

“I’m worried.” Knox heads to the fridge. “She’s come to me before for quickies, but there was something off with her last night. She looked like a zombie. A gorgeous, hot as fuck zombie, but…”

Time to share and compare, I guess. “She called off from the Monarch. I went over and held her last night.”

My eyes are cracked open just enough to see his reaction. It’s not a good one. Knox is stiff, which usually means he’s angry and he slams the fridge door shut. “Why didn’t she call me? ”

“Maybe because she already fucked you,” I toss out.

“Naw. She calls me all the time when she can’t sleep and comes over so she can catch up on her zzzs. Why’d she fucking call you?”

It’s not a secret that Knox has some insecurities.

I used to find it so fucking annoying, but over time, I understood why.

He’s never felt like he was worthy of anything.

Not smart enough, skilled enough, rich enough, successful enough.

We’re not in a competition, but he might not understand that. Sharing her is one thing…

Sharing me might be another.

I close my eyes and smile at that. It means there’s still a chance that things are going to turn out okay with us.

So long as I don’t fuck it up.

“You hungry?”

“I could eat.” My eyes shut again and a true smile cracks across my face. Knox pulls out a bunch of stuff from his fridge and I settle onto his couch and wait…

Knox won’t stop blowing up my phone and I finally had to turn it off. It’s the only thing I know how to do to make the noise stop. Ignore him. Cut him out.

All of this is my fucking fault.

I’ve broken his heart again and there’s nothing I can do except sweep the pieces into another room and shut the door.

It’s been a month since I was assaulted.

A month since I volunteered with my favorite teacher, was told everyone else couldn’t make it this time so it was just me and him working at the camp in the woods, where I had my water bottle roofied, and I woke up tied down and immobilized so I could be used and abused for two fucking days.

Afterwards, he drove me home, warning me that no one would believe me if I told them what happened.

He was too popular and well respected by not only the school body, but the headmaster and most of the community as well.

He had friends in high places, and I had nothing but a sore ass and friends who were likely going to prison by the time they were twenty.

I haven’t slept in forever. I can still feel the ropes around my wrists sometimes. And I still feel him on me. In me. Scrubbing my skin off doesn’t help. Nothing I do helps.

So, three days ago I asked Knox to do something for me.

I told him to fuck me.

If I could replace the bad thing with the best thing in the world, I’ll be okay. He’s the best thing.

At first, he shot me down.

“Am I too dirty for you now?” I’d asked, furious and hurt.

“What? No. Fuck, Alex, of course not.”

“Then do it.” I got on my knees on the floor of his filthy bedroom and shoved my pants down. “Do it.”

I thought I was going to puke.

Knox couldn’t get hard. That made me feel worse. “So, now you don’t want me? I’m too gross for you?”

“Stop, Alex. That’s not it.”

His hands were freezing on my skin when he held my hip. I couldn’t stop shaking. Tears blurred my vision, and my palms were so sweaty, I slipped a little on the floor.

“I can’t fuck you like this,” he confessed. “It’s not right.”

“You mean I’m not right.” I feel so disgusting all the time. I didn’t blame him one bit for not being able to go through with it. I wouldn’t fuck me, either .

I got tested right after it happened. I’m clinically clean, but my soul doesn’t understand that.

“We need to go slow,” he said from behind me. “Really, really slow, okay?”