Page 23 of Sunrise (Monarch Club #3)

Knox

Everyone has a before and after moment that changes who they are at their core. Some people are unfortunate to have more than one of those moments.

I’m unfortunate.

Kissing Vault for the first time changed me.

Picking him up off the bathroom floor after that shattering weekend with his teacher changed me.

Being asked to fuck him to replace one bad dick for another changed me.

But murdering that piece of shit teacher? That made me.

I always knew I’d be good at something. Turns out, me and fire have a pretty tight relationship.

We’re solid, bro. The flames never let me down.

Not when I cook at Midnight Run, and most definitely not the day I tortured that motherfucking rapist and set his dirty secret child abuse hostel on fire with him inside it.

It was a miracle I made it out unscathed, which, honestly, I consider an act of divine intervention. I was out of my head that day with anger and grief and just exploded—no pun intended.

Does Alex think I’m a monster for what I did? I don’t give a fuck. I am a monster. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. If it sends me to Hell, Lucifer better move out of my way because his throne will belong to me once I get there.

This is the one secret no one else knows about.

And now I’ve shared it.

It’s all good. I have zero regrets. If I’d died while taking that fucker out of this world, it would have been worth it.

If I’d somehow gotten caught and spent life in prison for murder…

also worth it. But like I said, the universe was on my side, and I’ve been happily running free, knowing Alex is safe and always will be, because of me.

You thought Dmitri was the overprotective one in our friend circle? Please. Hold my fucking beer.

But murderers can’t brag about their handiwork, so I never told a soul. Sharing this info now seems necessary, which is the only reason I’ve finally caved. If this is the last bit of closure Alex needs, then I’ve wrapped it in a pretty, charred bow and given it to him.

He’s not saying a word. I’m not sure he’s breathing. That’s okay, he probably needs time to process it. I’ve had plenty of time to do that already, so I can tell you that patience is key here.

“You killed him.”

It’s not a question or a statement. I’m not sure what it is, but his voice sounds strangled.

“You…you really killed him.”

I finish off my sandwich and keep quiet.

“You did that.”

“I did that,” I finally say, hoping to move the processing along faster. “And I’d do it again.”

Vault sits back, the air rushing out of him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I shove a couple chips in my mouth .

He slams his fist on the table. “ Why didn’t you fucking tell me , Knox?”

“I didn’t think a murder confession was the smartest idea since I never wanted to get caught, genius .”

He’s so fucking angry he shoves away from the table. His chair scrapes across the hardwood floor, making me instantly tense up. That sound was always followed by violence in my house growing up.

Is Vault going to hit me for what I did?

Jesus, I think so.

I guess I’d be mad at me too if I were him. We shared everything together—the good and the bad—until we shared nothing at all.

“You let me believe…” He steps away. “You’ve fucking let me torture myself all this time thinking he died quick when…” He grips the side of his head. “ Fuck, Knox !”

I’m up and on him in an instant.

If he doesn’t want to be touched, he can push me away. Fuck knows I’m used to it. “I couldn’t tell you,” I explain. “Once we went back to being normal friends, I was desperate to cling to what little I had left of you. Telling you what I did would have been a risk.”

He shakes his head.

“Yes, it would have, Alex.” I grab his shoulders.

“You were a wreck for so long and you never wanted to talk about it after…” Holy hell, we’re really having this conversation.

“…after you asked me to fuck you that last time and I couldn’t do it.

There was no way I could just come up to you and be like, ‘hey, so I tortured your abuser and blew him up in the cabin he raped you in.’”

He flinches.

I think I’ve fucked up telling him my secret.

“I’m sorry if you believed it was a quick death and that pained you. I didn’t know you’d been holding onto that part of it all this time. You never spoke about it with me again, and I thought you might have worked through that part of your trauma.”

He stares at the floor, his eyes wide and shining.

Is he going to bolt?

Did I just blow up what we finally got back?

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, desperate to make it better. “I’m so fucking sor—”

Alex lunges forward, grips the side of my head with both hands, and slams his mouth to mine.

I’m stumbling back from the force of it. My mind’s reeling.

“All this time…” His voice cracks as he presses his forehead to mine. “All this fucking time you never said a word.”

“I’m good at keeping secrets.” Too many conflicting emotions zoom through me. “You know that.”

I never told a soul about what happened to Alex. No matter if I thought I should or not, it wasn’t my secret to tell. This one was my only secret, and I wasn’t spilling it unless it was absolutely necessary.

“I feel sick.” He pulls away from me and rushes over to my kitchen sink.

Yeah, I’ve messed up again. I should have taken this information to my grave and helped him work through his hang ups some other way.

Making my way to him, I might as well go all in. I can’t take it back, nor would I change my past actions if I could. “I hear you screaming in there. ”

He gathers cold water in his hands and splashes his face over and over.

“You’ve always heard me screaming,” he calmly says, turning slowly to face me. “You just never understood everything I was screaming about.”

Guess he’s right. I only knew he was in pain, and I could make what was hurting him disappear. He refused to share much about that weekend, and I never pushed for details. What I knew was enough.

“If I’d known you were this mad about the way you thought he died, I probably would have told you sooner.”

“I almost ate that bullet.” His hands fall to his sides. “I… I almost killed myself because I didn’t think his death was good enough. It hadn’t helped me recover. It didn’t fix me.”

I never knew there was a precise reason he knocked on death’s door that day. I just thought it was the entire thing, not one piece. Too hellbent on making sure he never did it again, I kept my sights on the horizon and made sure he did too.

Look for the sunrise. Make it to fucking sunrise. Be the sunrise .

“You don’t need to be fixed,” I wipe some of the water dripping off his chin. “You’re not broken.”

“I am broken, Knox. Jesus !” He fists his hair. “I can’t even be touched by another man.”

“You do alright being touched by me.” I step closer and poke his chest. “See?”

“You know what I fucking mean.”

“Yeah, I do.” I poke him on his arm this time.

“And if we’re going for full honestly here…

” I poke him in the neck. “I’m a little glad no other man can touch you.

” I poke him in the forehead. “You’re mine, Al ex.

” I push my finger against his bottom lip and drag it down.

“I’d hate to have to commit more murders if someone else got to touch what’s fucking mine. ”

He makes the best little noise ever.

Sliding my hand along his jaw, I hold his face. “Tell me how to stop loving you, so I don’t set fire to the next thing that threatens us.”

He shakes his head. His chest heaves with every breath he draws. “I don’t want you to stop.”

“No?”

He shakes his head again.

I lean in, inching my way to victory. “Are you sure?”

“I want you to burn this whole world down for me.”

My smile makes me feel psychotic. “All you have to do is ask.”

I kiss him hard and hope like hell I’ve finally shattered the glass his two sides are always screaming behind.