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Chapter fifty-two

Three Weeks Later

I’ve seen a different side of Steel these past three weeks. He’s been so amazing throughout my healing process. It’s as if my kidnapping opened his eyes to how short our lives can be and how quickly they can be taken from us. He’s working hard to prove to me his feelings and how remorseful he is for the shit he pulled that day at the club.

I spent a week and a half in the hospital. The burns on my face, neck, and thigh were third degree while the ones on my breast and stomach were only second. Thankfully, they weren’t large enough that the doctor thought skin grafts were needed. My hospital stay was merely to keep an eye out for any infections that could occur from the burns.

The first week home, it was hard to look at myself in the mirror. I’ve never been a vain person, but the drastic changes to my appearance only served to remind me of what I’d gone through in those hellish hours with Killer.

Steel’s been showing me every day that he sees beyond my scars, and after our conversation about them, it’s getting easier to meet my eyes in the mirror.

“How can you stand to look at me anymore?” I cry, lying caged in his arms.

Steel leans down and ghosts his lips over the scars. “You’re not your scars, Hummingbird. They’re simply a part of you. Can look at you ‘cause you’re you. You’re a fuckin’ survivor, and these are testaments to your strength.” He kisses the one on the inside of my thigh and peers up at me through his dark, thick lashes. “I love them because I love you.”

Every day, I’m learning to love myself again. I thought about having surgery to cover my scars, but after that conversation with Steel, I decided against it. He’s right. They’re reminders of what I went through, but they’re also proof that I survived that hell.

Steel encouraged me to go to therapy. I was hesitant, not really wanting to pull my demons out for a stranger to see, but after talking to my brothers and sister, I finally chose to go. I wasn’t going to heal if I kept bottling things up and pretending they didn’t happen. Because of the nature of what went down, Steel connected me with Griz and Mama Bear’s daughter, Kaitlyn. She’s helped me work through the guilt I feel each time I look at Lyric. Seeing her innocent face reminded me of what I took from her. I’d been unintentionally pulling away from her because I was scared of her hating me when she finds out that I’m the one who killed her mom. Steel caught on to what I was doing, and it resulted in one of the long conversations we’ve taken to having.

“You’re pulling away from her,” Steel says quietly as we watch Lyric play with the new dog her grandparents bought her.

She’s smiling, but it’s tinged with sadness, and my heart clenches when I recall her asking me to come outside with them and I turned her away with some stupid excuse.

“I can’t lose her, Jericho,” I whisper, laying my hand against the cool glass that separates me from her.

“Never goin’ to happen.”

I shake my head. “You can’t promise that.”

“No, I can’t. Got to trust her love for you. Startin’ to see our girl is much smarter than I ever gave her credit for. She sees more than she talks about.” He runs his finger along my jawline. “Don’t let Heather win at tearin’ you two apart.”

Those last words of his snapped me out of my guilt-induced fog, and I’ve spent the last week and a half trying to make up for the distance I accidentally put between Lyric and me.

I’ve forgiven Steel for his words and the way he acted that day at the clubhouse. After the past I’ve lived, I can understand him feeling guilt for not being able to give Lyric a loving home with both parents. It doesn’t make what he did okay, but it makes it more understandable.

He also told me about waking up with Ella the day after I left. It’s taking me longer to work through that confession, though. Steel explained how she’d helped him to his room while he was drunk. She told him she didn’t want to have sex with anyone and that he was safe because he was crazy over me. Emmy Lou, Wraith, and even Ella told me the story, but I’m not sure how much it helps. I’m still not comfortable that she slept in the bed with him, not even sleeping on top of the covers fully dressed. I’m grateful she cared for him while he was drunk, but . . . I don’t know. I think what makes it harder is that while he was getting drunk and falling asleep next to another woman, I was being taken and tortured. The only reason I’m still here, letting him prove himself to me, is because he showed me that he’d tried calling me after I left. Could he have come after me? Yes, but he’d also been drinking. By the time he sobered up and made it to me, I would have been long gone anyways.

So, while most of our problems have been resolved, there’s still things we’re working our way through.

If the hell I experienced taught me anything, it’s that our lives are short. I want to spend mine happy and with the people I love. While mine and Steel’s relationship is tumultuous, I’ve never loved anyone deeper than I love him. He’s hard and gruff, and he has darkness inside him that never touches me or his daughter.

When he allows himself to love me and trust me fully, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

Steel is so much more than his lifestyle or our past.

All I have to do is give him the chance to prove it.

It’s a risk I used to be scared of, but after going through what I did, I’m no longer afraid to take it.

If I’m going to fight with someone, I’d rather it be the man who makes me feel alive in the most spectacular way.