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Chapter thirty-eight

I lie on the bed in the guest room staring at the ceiling as everything that’s happened today plays through my mind.

It surprised me that Steel was so openly affectionate in front of his club. The last time we were together, we didn’t have anything like that. Steel was always so careful to make sure he didn’t do anything to give me false promises. It didn’t really work because even as he tried not to do things that made it seem like he cared, he did anyway–a word here, a sentence there, touches that conveyed more than what he was saying, eyes that said things he’d never speak aloud. He was never as distant or as casual as he tried to be.

That’s what made it so hard for me to protect my heart against him. It’s also why it hurt so much when he decided to give his relationship with Heather a go for his daughter’s sake.

I understood it, but it didn’t mean it hurt any less.

Things this time around are different between us. We’re closer, more open, more . . . official, but it doesn’t erase the way things were in the past.

Having Rachel throw in my face that even after he and Heather split for good, I didn’t register enough for him hurts. It’s not like I wasn’t around. Sure, it was in an extremely diminished capacity as we barely communicated, but . . . I don’t even know.

My heart is telling me that if he did have feelings for me back then, as I was so sure he did, then he’d have come for me, right?

I groan and toss my arm over my eyes.

This is ridiculous, except I can’t help but feel as I do. I’m sure she’s not the only one there who he’s had sex with either, which means I’m going to take the chance of them being as catty as Rachel was and rubbing it in my face.

My heart clenches when I try to think of what my life would be like without him now. It’s not just him I’m losing if I let this insecurity get to me. I’d also lose the little girl who’s stolen my heart.

Why wasn’t I ever enough for him?

I never was. Not in the past, and as much as I want to think I am now, I still don’t know if I can believe it. My brain tells me one thing while my heart tells me another.

The tingling that skips through my body alerts me to his presence long before he opens his mouth.

“This ain’t your room,” he growls.

“If we’re being technical, none of them are,” I quip.

“The fuck,” he growls again, and I almost snicker at his aggravation.

I remove my arm from my face and roll my head along the pillow until he’s in my sight.

Will there ever be a time when looking at him won’t have a rush of emotions shooting through me?

With a sigh, I move around until I’m at the edge of the bed and then I sit up. “The fuck what, Steel? It’s not like it’s not true. We’re in this situation because I was shot and have death threats looming over me.”

“Bullshit,” he spits, leaning against the door and glaring at me. “You’re here for more than just that.”

I nod. “Now I am, but would I be if I wasn’t some damsel in distress? Be real, Steel. You didn’t have any intentions of reaching back out to me after you and Heather split, did you?”

His face clears of the frustration he was feeling, and his eyes shutter. He folds his arms over his chest, shutting himself off from me, and something inside me breaks a little.

It’s the same crap he used to do in the past when things became uncomfortable for him.

Just knowing my question made him uncomfortable is answer enough because it shouldn’t if he’d ever had plans to.

“Does it matter? You’re here now. We’re together,” he says, his gritty voice giving away how much he doesn’t want to talk about this.

Does it matter?

“You know,” I pause, gathering my thoughts, “as much as I want to say no, I think it does.” I stare at him. “Would you have ever come back to me after you all split, or did you really not care as deeply as I believed you did?”

Steel’s body unfolds, and he scrubs his hands over his face harshly before peering back at me. “Fuck, Lee, don’t know what you want me to say.”

“The truth would be nice. I don’t know why my head is so stuck on this, but I need to know.”

“Why? So you can use it as an excuse to put space between us?”

“The way you keep avoiding the questions seem answer enough,” I say quietly.

“Don’t assume shit. I don’t know. That what you want?”

“I wish. Any other time you and Heather split, I was the one you ran to. Me, Steel. You came to me . Not the other way around. So, I can only assume that something changed for you between the last time and when you left her this time. Somewhere in between, I was no longer enough. Hell, maybe I never was. Maybe I was always a stupid side piece and was just too freaking na?ve and hopelessly in love to know it.” My eyes water when he stands there in silence. “I’m tired, Jericho. I’m tired of being in this constant loop of not being enough for you. Between Heather, the club girls, and now this shit with Rachel, it’s just a lot.”

“Baby girl, no,” he says, squatting in front of me and lifting a hand to my cheek. “Promise, you’re enough.”

I close my eyes, leaning into his touch. “I’m just exhausted, bossman. It feels like I’m constantly fighting for my place in someone’s life. Give me some space to think.”

He jumps to his feet and paces. “Don’t fuckin’ like it, but I’ll give you some space for now.” He stops in front of me again, grabbing my chin between his index finger and thumb to lift my face. “But we are goin’ to talk, Bailee. We’re happenin’, baby girl.”

“Okay, bossman. Never planned on running.”

Steel shoots me a look saying he knows better. “Didn’t you?”

He drops his hold and marches out the door without looking back.

The tears finally fall from my eyes. Not wanting him or Lyric to witness my break, I hurry to shut the door before climbing back into the bed and curling around a pillow.

I bury my head in the softness so it muffles any sobs that escape my tightly pressed lips.

There’s no reason to feel this way. I’m with Steel, and we’re together. Things are different. He’s different. He’s showing me in ways he didn’t in the past that he’s here, that he’s choosing me.

My heart and my head aren’t getting on the same page, though.

My head tells me I’m being ridiculous, but my heart is screaming at me, telling me the only reason we’re even together now is because he had to save me. We’re not together because he wanted me.

And then my brain latches on to a thought and refuses to let go.

Did he mess around with any of them after he rescued me?

The pain of that thought is excruciating.