Page 15

Chapter fifteen

My jaw clenches when I pull into the driveway and see Heather’s car sitting beside my Bronco. The lights are off in the house, which means she’s probably made herself at home. After the time I just spent with Bailee, the last thing I want to fucking deal with is Heather’s shit.

Flicking off the engine, I stand there, straddling my bike as I stare at her car, my jaw grinding back and forth. My stomach roils and my skin crawls as I’m reminded of the way I woke up with her mouth on my dick the other morning. There was a time when I wouldn’t have minded that. Hell, I’d have fucked whoever’s face was gracious enough to gift me a morning blowjob.

Fucking Bailee.

It all comes down to her.

Didn’t fucking sit right with me after I fucked Rachel the last time either.

It’s bullshit because I ain’t even in a relationship with Bailee and she’s already got my goddamn balls marked with her fucking name. Matches the claw marks she left on my abdomen and back. Suppose it’s only fair since I left my own little imperfections behind to claim her as mine.

Because that’s what she is.

Mine.

Even if I’m not ready to get into a relationship with her.

I rearm the security system when I get inside then toe off my boots, placing them on the shoe rack. They’re loud on the hardwood floor, and I don’t want to wake Lyric if she’s already asleep.

A sliver of light gleams from the crack of her bedroom door, so I quietly push it open. Lyric has moved around so much that all her blankets are nearly hanging from the bed. My jaw sets as I amble over to her.

I don’t know why the fuck it’s so hard for Heather to do the one thing that will help our daughter get a good night’s rest. It’s not that fucking difficult to wrap her snug in her blanket, yet she can’t even do that. Now, I’m going to have to disturb her sleep again to do it so she can sleep peacefully for the rest of the night.

The muscle in my jaw twitches as my frustration with Heather mounts.

Grabbing the blanket we use to swaddle her in, I do my best to work it under her, being as gentle and as steady as I can so I hopefully don’t wake her.

I don’t have such luck, though, because only a few seconds later, those beautiful green eyes of hers are blinking sleepily at me.

“Daddy?”

“Just me, Princess,” I whisper. “Let’s get you wrapped up so you can go back to sleep, yeah?”

“‘Kay.”

I laugh quietly when I realize it’s mainly me doing the work because my girl has already fallen back to sleep. It takes me a little longer, and it’s harder than it would be if she was awake, but anything for her will always be worth it.

After I’m finished, I squat there quietly, just watching her sleep as my mind whirls through everything. I’ve only ever wanted what was best for Lyric. There was a time when I thought that was me and her mom being together. Sometimes I still think that because I know how easy I had it growing up with both parents together. A few of the guys I know had shit childhoods and said they always wondered if it would’ve been easier if their dad never ran out or if their mom wasn’t such a piece of shit. It’s why I’ve always tried to make things work with Heather, no matter how miserable it made me. Didn’t want my girl growing up questioning that.

Even when we were together, Heather still was a shit mom, so don’t think it really did much good. Just made us more toxic, which carried over into whatever the hell kind of relationship I had with Bailee whenever Heather and I were split up.

Blowing out a quiet breath, I kiss Lyric on the forehead and rise. Am I making a mistake with Bailee?

Goddammit. I’m so fucking tired of constantly going in circles about this. Until Bailee walked back into my life, my decision was already made. I was going to do nothing more than co-parent with Heather because it was nice having my freedom for a change. The only people I had to give a fuck about were my daughter, my brothers, and myself. But then that damn woman had to call and toss me back into the pool of desperate need I always find myself in when she’s around.

If I don’t get my head on straight, I’m going to drive myself fucking crazy and be too damn distracted to be any good for the club or for Bailee. I can’t talk to any of my brothers about her because no one at the club knows about her yet, but there is one person who will be able to work this shit out with me.

Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I head back out to the front porch so I don’t wake Lyric with my conversation and put in a call to Emmy Lou. It’s been a minute since I’ve talked to her because we’ve both been busy with shit. Truth is, we don’t talk nearly as much as Bailee likes to think we do.

“Yo, shit stain,” Emmy Lou answers. “Why are you calling me so late? Everything okay?”

I chuckle and take a pull from the bottle of beer before replying. “Depends on your definition of okay.”

“Oh, shit. Okay, so we’re talking serious emotional stuff then. Hang on, let me get comfortable.”

Atlas’s muffled voice comes across the line as he says something to Em, and she covers the phone as she replies before coming back on the line. “Dougie says you’re lucky you still owe him a beer, or he’d be pissed at you for bothering us so late.”

I wince, pulling the phone from my ear to check the time. “Shit, Em, didn’t realize how late it was.”

“Don’t worry about it. You need me. Tell me what’s going on, Steel.”

With a sigh, I kick my feet up on the porch rail and stare out into the night. Moonlight shines down on the few racoons sneaking around in search of food, and the crickets are singing their raucous melody.

Hell, I don’t even know where to start. I’ve never been comfortable talking about this shit. Guess it’s a good thing my best friend knows that about me because when I don’t answer quickly enough, she’s already figured it out.

“Bailee?”

“Got it in one,” I mutter, taking a big gulp of the cold brew.

“Okay. She’s got you all knotted-up. Best way to fix that is to get laid. You’re a big, bad biker. You should know this,” she teases.

“Funny lady.”

Emmy Lou’s sigh rattles in my ear. “Steel, I can’t really help you or give you advice if I don’t know what I’m supposed to be talking to you about.”

“Woman’s got me all fucked-up, Em. All I’ve ever wanted was for Lyric to have both her parents together so she’d have a good and happy life. But the thought of bein’ with Heather fuckin’ disgusts me. Do it for my girl, but not sure how long I’d be loyal to her or how long I’d have my sanity.”

“What do you want, Steel?”

My laugh is raw and gritty. “Isn’t that the fuckin’ million dollar question? Right now, the one thing I’m sure of is that I want my daughter to have a happy life.”

“But what about your happy life? After the last seven toxic years with Heather, you should get some happiness out of this life. I’ve seen how you and Bailee are together. There’s something more than sex there, and I think you know that. It scares the hell out of you because you’ve never had anything real in your life. What you had with Heather was white noise, a basic placeholder until it was time for you and Bailee to have your moment. Timing was never right for you two.”

“Bailee isn’t Lyric’s mother. Isn’t it best to have both parents together?”

“No. What’s best is that a child has parents who are happy. Healthy co-parenting would be better for Lyric than having a father who is continuously miserable because he can’t stand her mother and would rather be with someone else.”

“Healthy co-parenting’? I can’t even get Heather to be fuckin’ sober long enough to be a healthy parent. I did something stupid,” I admit.

Emmy Lou groans. “What did you do?”

“I may have told Heather that if she got sober, I’d think about gettin’ back together.”

“Steel!”

“Fuck. I know, okay. It was fuckin’ stupid because it’s never goin’ to happen, but I needed to say something that would give her an incentive to get clean for our daughter. Been comin’ to the house unannounced ever since, like we’re back in a goddamn relationship, and I can’t fuckin’ stand it.”

“You’re an idiot. One who absolutely loves his daughter and would do anything for her, but still an idiot. What does Bailee think about it?” When I don’t answer, she groans. “Steel, tell me that you told her about what you said to Heather.”

“Not in a relationship, so I don’t see why it would have any bearin’ on the situation.”

“God, sometimes I wonder about you men,” she grumbles.

A loud smack cracks across the line, and I chuckle as she squeals and Atlas admonishes her.

“Asshole,” she mutters. “Steel, I love you, but you’re being dense when it comes to what’s going on between you and Bailee. That or you’re just purposely in denial about it because you’d have to admit that you caught those nasty feelings you don’t want anything to do with. You need to tell her before she finds out some other way. Coming from you, there’s a better chance she won’t be so pissed-off. Control the narrative, my friend.”

“Hear you,” I grumble, finishing the beer and setting the empty bottle on the side table.

“Do you? Because I know you, and I know you’re already feeling like shit because you’re keeping her from the club, which I think is the stupidest move ever. You know what could happen to you, Steel. Wraith doesn’t do well with betrayal, and it’s literally one of the main rules of the club. Bailee would rather you tell them about her than risk you losing them. As much as you probably don’t want to admit it, that woman loves you. She has for a long time.”

“Got it, Em. Know what I’m riskin’, but the club is always goin’ to be a priority. Not fuckin’ takin’ her there until I know whether the club is goin’ to be under fire in retaliation for what she saw.”

“Do you think they will be? Does Killer know her connection to you or the club?”

“Don’t know. Killer is a fuckin’ murderer, but he ain’t stupid. Goin’ to find the connection before long.”

“Then let’s hope we fucking find him before that connection is made. Colby, Willow, and I are working nearly around the clock, and Atlas and the guys are doing everything they can.” She sighs. “Things would be much easier if we had the club helping. Thrasher could have his mom digging on the inside. If Killer has some guys in prison, that’s where they’d be, and even if they’re part of a notorious and dangerous biker club, we both know who really runs that penitentiary.”

“Fuckin’ know, all right.”

“What are you going to do if you lose the club over this, Steel?”

That’s the one thing I’ve been actively trying not to think about. Losing the club and my brothers would cost me a huge part of who I am. It would also mean surrendering my job at Dirty Wrench. I could find the same work anywhere, but it wouldn’t be in the state of Kentucky. Not after word gets out that I’ve betrayed my club. Truthfully, this is something that carries grave consequences. Others have lost their lives over it, and it’s no different with me being a patched officer. The consequences are heavier because of the expectation my title brings.

“Been tryin’ not to think about it. Not until I have time to sort shit with them. If I can explain my reasonin’, maybe it’ll help them see where I was comin’ from. Wasn’t betrayin’ them so much as tryin’ to do my part in protectin’ them,” I explain quietly.

“Wraith is a good man. He’s a good President. There’s no doubt he’s going to be fucking angry at first, but once he calms down and remembers the man you are and looks at all the facts, he’ll understand you had no ill intent. He’ll know you’ve done what you’ve always done—put the club first.”

“Hope so.”

Atlas’s voice rumbles quietly on the other side of the line, and I catch something about getting her fine ass back into bed.

I chuckle. “Sounds like you have another man wanting your attention. Thanks, Em.”

“Promise me that you won’t be stupid and get back together with Heather. You and Bailee deserve to be happy too. A happy dad is all that little girl is going to need to have a good life. Make sure to remember that when you’re thinking about playing martyr.” She sucks in a sharp breath, and because I’m a grown fucking man, I’m damn familiar with that sound. “And tell the club, for fuck’s sake.”

Emmy Lou ends the call abruptly, and the smile fades from my face as I pull the phone from my ear.

Healthy co-parenting. Is that something that could be possible with Heather when she has a hard enough time being healthy herself? She says she’s clean, but it’s words I’ve heard a million fucking times with actions that have proven the opposite. The thought of any other option with Heather has the back of my throat burning in acid.

With a sigh, I climb to my feet and head back inside, locking up behind me before I head toward my room. I’m assuming that’s where Heather is sleeping. Too fucking bad because I’m about to wake her and make her ass move to the couch. She’s lucky I’m not being the asshole she deserves and make her fucking leave.

That was my intention, but when I get to my room and find her naked and sprawled out on my bed asleep, a growl of disgust bursts from my chest. I clench my fists, fighting the burning need to grab my knife and bury it into her throat. My reaction is so visceral that I turn and hurry from the room, worried I’ll end up killing my daughter’s mother for something I’m still struggling to understand.

The couch it is.

The house is still quiet when I get out of the shower. After my reaction earlier to Heather being naked in my bed, I needed to clear my head so I could get some sleep. I didn’t want to leave the house because Lyric was here, so a shower was my only option. If I went to the garage, I’d never get any sleep because once I start a project, I never want to stop.

What I didn’t do was bring some fucking clothes with me, which means I’m going to have to go back into the bedroom . . . where she is.

I wipe the steam from the mirror and wrap my fingers around the lip of the sink as I stare at my reflection. There is something moving in the depths of my eyes that I don’t like. Something I want to look away from. Instead of giving it a name, because a name means it’s real, I grind my jaw together and work on shoving it into the steel vault that holds captive all the other shit that makes me uncomfortable. One day, they’ll all make their escape, and then everyone around me better have their last will and testament complete just to be safe.

Wrapping a towel around my waist, I take a deep breath and head into the bedroom. Thankfully, Heather is still asleep when I go in.

My mind drifts to Bailee and Emmy Lou’s words as I dig through my dresser. I’m still not sure if any of the shit she said matters. There’s a lot of past shit between me and Bailee, and I don’t know how to navigate that kind of stuff.

I’m lost so deep in my thoughts about Bailee that when bare tits brush against my back, my dick twitches until her fucking scent hits my nostrils. It snaps me straight the fuck out of my head to realize who it is. Waves of revulsion roll over me, and I jerk away and spin so fast, she almost falls on her ass.

“The fuck you think you’re doin’? Fuckin’ warned you about touchin’ me without my permission,” I bark, watching her face pale as fear flashes in her eyes.

But then her eyes drop to the claw marks on my abdomen, and she glances over my shoulder to the mirror, seeing the ones Bailee also left behind on my back.

It’s impressive how quickly color comes back to her face as rage fills her eyes. She points her finger at my stomach, and her lips pull back from her teeth. “Are those fucking claw marks?” she screeches. “They are, aren’t they? What the hell, Steel? We’re supposed to be working on us!”

Fuck, that goddamn screeching is annoying. “Shut the fuck up before you wake Lyric.”

I scrub my hands over my face, not wanting to fucking deal with this right now, but since she’s awake, we might as well get it over with. Should have known the lie was gonna come back to bite me in the ass.

“Get dressed. Got to talk,” I order, sliding my boxers up under the towel and doing the same with my sweats before removing it. Her eyes keep fixating on the claw marks, so I go ahead and slide the shirt over my head. The tension releases from me, and the sensation of spiders crawling over my skin disappears as soon as I can no longer feel her eyes on my body.

Thankfully, she puts her clothes on while she mumbles curses under her breath. Once she’s covered, I wave a hand at the bed for her to take a seat, but she glares at me and shakes her head.

She folds her arms over her chest and scowls at me with glassy eyes. “Sounds like I’d rather be standing for this conversation.”

“Your choice,” I reply with a shrug, leaning back against the dresser. “Not goin’ to work out.”

“What?” she cries, shaking her head. “No. You promised if I got clean, we’d try again.”

“Didn’t make a promise, Heather. You did. Hope you’ll keep that promise for our daughter’s sake.”

Tears pour from her eyes, and I watch them fall without feeling anything. There used to be a time when they’d at least make me uncomfortable, but now, I just feel indifferent.

“Please don’t do this. Think about Lyric. You know she wants her family to be together and happy.”

I shake my head. “No, what my girl wants are happy parents. Don’t have to be together to be happy, Heather. Lyric will thrive better with parents who can co-parent healthily. Never been healthy between me and you. Toxic. Always fuckin’ toxic. That’ll fuck our daughter up quicker than anything.”

When I see the glint in her eyes and the hardness settle on her face, I know it’s fixing to get ugly.

Same fucking shit with this woman.

“It won’t matter if I take her. You know I’ll get full custody.” A sneer of derision is aimed my way. “You’re a fucking biker. What judge is ever going to give custody to someone who belongs to a brotherhood of criminals over her own mother?”

My lips curl at the corners. “You’re a dumb bitch. Given you so many chances, yet you constantly step all over them. Done with the threats. Not goin’ to take my daughter away from me because we both know you’ll stop breathin’ the day you fuckin’ try.”

The flash of fear in her eyes assures me that she knows it’s not an empty threat. I’ve already given her more leeway with my daughter than I should have. I’m tired of playing these fucking games with her whenever shit doesn’t go her way.

“Shit is changin’ right now. You don’t come here, and you definitely do not fuckin’ stay here. From now on, I come to your place to get my daughter. Same rules will stay in place. Fuck up when it comes to our kid—drugs, any of all that other bullshit—there’s no more Lyric. Will go for custody so damn fast, you’ll be left wonderin’ how you got fucked without receivin’ any pleasure from it. My girl’s feelings are the only reason I didn’t have custody before, because for some reason, that little girl still sees the best parts of you and she loves those parts. Love her, but I’m done. Feel me?”

Heather nods. “I feel you.” Then she aims another scowl at me, making her look unattractive and bitter. “Who is she?”

“Not your business.”

“It is! I’m the mother of your daughter. You made me a promise to get back together and then you fucked someone else. That makes you a cheater, Steel.”

“No, it doesn’t. Not together. Not been together. Never promised shit. Said I’d think about it if you kept clean. Told you what I needed to tell you so you’d do right by our daughter. Most that makes me is an asshole.”

Heather stares at me for a few seconds and then her eyes fill with tears before a sob rips from her chest. “Did you ever love or care about me? Because it sure doesn’t feel like it.”

I blow out a breath and rub the back of my neck. “Don’t want me to answer that because you’re not goin’ to like my answer.”

“Of course, I do.” My eyes narrow a bit when her cries seem a little more exaggerated. “It’s the least I deserve.”

Does she think I’m so stupid that I don’t know a manipulation tactic when I see it?

“Care about you,” I tell her and watch as triumph flashes behind her watery eyes. “In the capacity that you’re the mother of my daughter,” I add on, catching the anger she’s not quick enough to keep from displaying at my admittance.

Funny how quickly her tears dry up at my words. There’s nothing I despise more than a manipulative bitch, but since this one is who she is to my daughter, it’s her only saving grace.

“Finished here. Get your things and get gone. Bring Lyric to you sometime tomorrow. And Heather, I meant every fuckin’ word I’ve said. Rules still stand, and you’re still expected to stay clean. That little girl fuckin’ deserves it.”

I wait until the taillights of her car disappear before I lock the place up and arm the security system. The thought of climbing into the same bed that Heather was lying in naked has me wanting to find the closest toilet to hug while I spew whatever the fuck is left in my stomach. Instead of doing that, I grab some clean linens from the hall closet and change out the bedding, putting the ones that were on the bed in a trash bag and tossing them out my back door to burn later.

Once the bed is good with fresh bedding, I yank my clothes back off and climb between the sheets, grabbing my phone so I can shoot off one last text to my pretty little Hummingbird before I let the sandman take me away.

STEEL

Out of sight. Doors locked. Had a good time, baby girl.

HUMMINGBIRD

So bossy.

The sight of her reply has my eyes closing with a smile on my face.

Shit’s been crazy for a while now between the club, whatever the hell that bullshit is with Heather, and now all this. For the first time I can remember, I’m just fucking emotionally exhausted, and I don’t know what the hell to do with that.