Page 39

Chapter thirty-nine

Leaving Bailee alone when she’s so upset doesn’t sit right with me, but I wasn’t going to push myself on her when it was the last thing she wanted from me.

Don’t know what else to do, so I grab a beer from the fridge, shut off the alarm, and step out on the back deck.

I check that my gun is on me before dropping into one of the chairs and kicking my feet up onto the porch railing.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I scroll through my contacts until I reach Emmy Lou’s and hit the call icon.

“Hey, Steel. Everything going okay your way?” Em asks when she answers.

“Sorry. Yeah. Atlas around? Like to get y’all’s thoughts. Help me see things differently.”

“I’m here, man,” Atlas says.

“Tell us what we can do,” Emmy Lou adds.

“Shit’s been goin’ good between Bailee and me. Took her to the clubhouse because Wraith needed to talk to her. Been fuckin’ the club whores after I split with Heather.”

“Oh, boy,” Emmy Lou mutters, already seeing where I’m going with this.

“Rachel got a hold of her before I could put a stop to it. Told Lee I was with her when she called me. Lee already knew, but doesn’t mean it didn’t make impact comin’ from that bitch. Got Bailee thinkin’ about the past between us and has her questionin’ us now.”

“So, you were actually fucking her when Bailee called you?” Em asks.

“Balls deep in her while another was ridin’ her face,” I admit with a grimace.

“Okay. First off, eww. I didn’t need that picture in my head. Secondly, I’m sure that bothered her, but you all hadn’t been together for a long time at that point.”

“Three years,” I add quickly.

“Right,” she replies, laughter in her voice. “You hadn’t been together for three years, so I doubt she’s mad at you for that. Plus, you said she already knew. She was probably hurt because that woman is in love with you, Steel. But she’s also smart. So, as long as you haven’t been with Rachel or the others since that night, just give her time to work through her hurt.”

My heart races, and I grip the bottle of beer tighter. I don’t reply to her as my mind goes over the last time I fucked one of them.

“Steel,” Emmy Lou groans, “tell me you didn’t fuck any of them after Bailee was back in your life.” I don’t answer her, and Em sighs. “At least, tell me you hadn’t been with Lee in any sexual way when you did.”

I let my silence be answer enough because I can already feel their disappointment across the line.

“Dude,” Atlas says.

“Fuck off,” I grumble, taking another gulp from the bottle.

“Does she know about you being with them after her?” Atlas asks.

“No. Didn’t see the point until Rachel started her shit.”

“Steel, that club is your life, which means anyone in it is a part of your life. You know how those women can get sometimes,” Emmy Lou says.

“Know that. Warned Lee before we walked in.”

“But she still went in there thinking the last time you were with them was that night you went to rescue her. You didn’t inform her you’d fucked them after you all had already been intimate. That gives them ammunition to hurt Bailee if they choose to.”

“Don’t know why. We weren’t together or exclusive,” I say stubbornly.

“God, save me from dense fucking men,” Emmy Lou mutters. “Do you really believe that’s going to stop Bailee from being hurt? You’re not dumb, Steel. You know how she feels about you. Hell, you’ve known how she’s always felt. She was never good at hiding it. Now, you aren’t responsible for the way she feels about you in that aspect, not really. You never made her promises as far as I know, but Steel, you are responsible for your actions. It doesn’t take much to be a decent person and take care with her.”

“What the fuck do I do then? Tell her? Only goin’ to hurt her more.”

“Would you rather she hear it from you or be blinded by Rachel again with it?” Atlas chimes in.

“What would you do?” I ask him.

He starts to say something, but then his words get muffled. Knowing Em, she slapped her hand over his mouth.

“Atlas doesn’t get to give you that answer because he never really told me about his ladies of the week. If I wasn’t good at my job and didn’t already know about them, the run-in we had with Miss Wednesday not too long ago would’ve been uncomfortable as hell.” She sighs. “Look, it’s always been a little toxic between you two.”

I open my mouth to refute that, but snap it closed when she tells me to stay quiet.

“Just be quiet and listen. It’s always been that way. Bailee always wore her heart on her sleeve when it came to you, and you took advantage of that. You knew she’d always open her door to you because of it, no matter what. That’s not to say you didn’t care for her. I believe you did. Probably deeper than you know, and for some reason, that scares the hell out of you. So, you’d pull away, giving her scraps of yourself until you couldn’t stay away any longer. That made Bailee feel like she wasn’t enough, and when you made it official with Heather, you really rubbed that in for her. We know why you did it, but it doesn’t change how it made her feel. Now, she’s learning all this other stuff with the club girls, and it’s bringing those feelings back up for her.”

“What do I do?” I ask, my voice gruff with emotion after listening to how my relationship with Bailee looked through my best friend’s eyes.

“You apologize. Be genuine with it. Then you be honest and transparent with her. You tell her about you being with the girls since she’s been back in your life, and you explain why you didn’t go to her after your split with Heather. It may help, it may not. Regardless, if you care about her as much as I believe you do, just be there for her while she feels what she does. Validate her feelings, Steel. Answer her questions. Prove to her she’s it for you.” Emmy Lou pauses then asks the one question I’m not sure I’m ready to answer. “Do you love her, Steel? Are you in love with her?”

“If I am, you ain’t goin’ to be the first to hear it,” I mutter, staring out into the woods as I let the question bounce around in my head.

Am I in love with my little Hummingbird?

“Atta boy,” Atlas crows, causing my lips to twitch as I lift the bottle to them again.

“Look, man, I know apologies and explaining isn’t really your forte. You’re not used to it, but you got to find your balance if you care about her. I don’t know a shit ton about your lifestyle, but I know there’s gonna be shit you won’t be able to share with her. My suggestion is to show her she’s a priority of yours too by protecting her when you can. That means being open to her and not letting others have ammo that can be used against her. You feel me?” Atlas asks.

“Feel you. ‘Preciate you both.”

“Always. You know we’re here. We love you and Lee. How’s shit going your way? Killer Kitties say it’s been good so far when they’re on duty. You really should make an appointment with them because they’ll clear your kitten’s issue up permanently.”

I rub my jaw as I decipher her words.

Did she just tell me those ladies would take Killer out? I know they’ve been working in the background when we need to keep Lyric and Bailee safe, but are they fucking . . . assassins?

Is that what she’s trying to tell me?

Who the fuck is my best friend hanging with, and how the hell did she meet up with a group of fucking female assassins?

‘Course, I can’t just ask her that shit over the phone.

“Keep that in mind,” I reply.

We chat for a few more minutes before I end the call and climb to my feet.

There’s an urgency under my skin now to get to Bailee after my talk with Emmy Lou and Atlas.

After tossing my bottle in the bin, I arm the security system again and make sure all the lights are off before heading to my woman.

My mind is focused on one destination as I climb the stairs.

I pause outside the now closed door to the guest room, my hand freezing on the handle when the quiet cry breaches the wood of the door.

Closing my eyes, I drop my forehead against it. Her pain is palpable, digging into my soul and leaving scours on it. I want to pull her into my arms and soak up the torment pouring from her.

Twisting the knob, I quietly open the door and step through. Bailee is lying on top of the covers, her body curled around a pillow. Her shoulders shake, and it terrifies me because Emmy Lou suggested I tell her the truth. After witnessing the way she’s hurting already, I don’t know if it’s going to hurt her more or help her heal.

What I do know is I can’t stand here and continue hearing her pain without doing what I can to ease it.

I slide into bed behind her, maneuvering us around until we’re comfortable and she’s snuggled tight against me. Wrapping my arm around her, I brush a light kiss against the back of her neck.

We lie there for a bit while she purges the hurt from inside of her.

Her hurt devastates me, and I feel the same way I do when my daughter is crying and in pain.

Destroyed, with a vicious need to cause harm to whoever hurt her.

Except, how the fuck do I do that when the person who hurt her is me?

Lying here with my Hummingbird’s tears dripping down and soaking into the skin of my arm, I realize something crucial though not surprising.

I love this woman who is breaking so beautifully in my arms.

My love for her is soul deep. It seeps under my skin, burning through my veins until my soul is on fire with it. Love pumps through my heart, causing a few unsteady beats as it settles into a rhythm with her in it.

“Did you sleep with Rachel or any of the others after you rescued me?” she asks in a watery voice.

My pulse skyrockets as terror rushes through me. I tighten my hold on her, not wanting to answer but knowing I need to.

“Yeah,” I let out quietly against her neck.

Her body jolts as if that single word was a kill shot straight to her heart.

She tries to move, but when I refuse to let her, a cry breaks out.

“Before or after you’d been with me again?” she asks before hiccupping.

I close my eyes again and rest my forehead against the back of her head. “It was after we had the first conversation about the pictures. Not excusin’ what I did, but you didn’t trust me and that shit fucked me up. After everything I put on the line for you, you not trustin’ me was a kick to the teeth.”

“So, after. We hadn’t had sex yet, but pretty sure you’d eaten my pussy by then. Instead of stickin’ your dick in me and workin’ out your anger that way, you chose to run away and stick it somewhere else. Basically, the same sick cycle we were on in the past.”

“We weren’t together,” I remind her gently.

“And that just makes it all better, doesn’t it? You tell yourself we weren’t exclusive, we weren’t together, we weren’t this or that, and all is justified in your little world. Once again, you didn’t think about me or how it would affect me.” She sniffles. “You promise that I’m enough, but your actions always contradict your words, Steel.”

“When I met you the first time, didn’t think you were goin’ to end up so important to me,” I admit, causing her to quiet down and listen. “Always kept shit casual because my life is hard as hell on relationships. Was always easy to do until you.”

Bailee rolls over so she’s facing me, and I swallow tightly at how much more intimate the position is.

There’s something to be said about someone staring deep into your eyes as you cut yourself open and show them the ugly inside you.

“Did my best to keep us on a line I was comfortable with. Was harder than I expected. You’re an addiction that was quick to hit my veins, baby. Slipped up a lot, which gave you expectations.” I reach out and capture a lock of her short hair, twirling it around my finger. “Was ready to give in and claim you as mine when I found out Heather was pregnant with my kid.”

“You could’ve co-parented with her,” she says quietly as another tear slides down her cheek.

“Could have, but then I’d have to give in to my feelings for you. Already had this unborn kid to look out for in this life of mine. Didn’t think I had it in me to care about two people and take the chance of losin’ them. More than that, felt my kid deserved to have both parents. Parents make sacrifices for their kids.”

“And I was yours,” she states sadly.

“You were mine. Made a life with Heather. Wasn’t all bad. We had a few good times mixed in. Until her true colors started comin’ out. Then there was you, lurkin’ in the background of my mind. You thought we were toxic, but lookin’ back, it wasn’t anything compared to me and her.”

“Why keep coming to me when you all split up knowing you’d never give me what I wanted?”

“Selfishness. Went to you because you were there, and you quieted the chaos my life with Heather had become.”

“Didn’t you think I deserved better?”

“Know you did.” I let her hair go and run my finger over her face, tracing her features. “Just an asshole, baby girl. Wasn’t goin’ to give you up until I had to.”

Bailee scoffs, and self-recrimination crosses her face. “And I made it all so easy for you. Even ending it.”

I rub my thumb over her bottom lip. “Don’t beat yourself up. Feelings fuck with the chemical balance in our brains. It’s why I never wanted anything to do with that shit. Mom and Dad have a great marriage, but this life—club life—I’ve seen it be the downfall of many great relationships.”

“Maybe you all should keep it in your pants,” Bailee snarls.

“Maybe, but it’s more than that. Club has secrets that stay in the club. Old Ladies, fender fluff, the club whores, they’re not told any of that shit. The club comes first most of the time. It puts a strain on relationships. Said it before . . . this life ain’t easy, especially on the brothers’ partners. As much as I gave a fuck about you, it was a relief when you didn’t open your door to me anymore.”

“So, why didn’t you come to me after you knew you and Heather were done for good?”

“Never goin’ to have an answer that’s goin’ to satisfy you, Hummingbird. We both know I’m an asshole. I kept tellin’ myself I didn’t need to because we were never real, that it was just casual. Things with you would never be easy, and after almost seven years of Heather’s toxic bullshit, I needed easy. The club whores were that. They chose to be at the club for one reason—take care of the brothers in return for room, board, and work. They didn’t make me feel shit. They didn’t make me crave more. Not like you do.”

“Oh, sure, Rachel seems easy,” Bailee snarks.

I grimace. “Never offered her more. Don’t know what got into her.”

Bailee aims a look at me that has me questioning my intelligence. She doesn’t need to say anything to that because her face is saying it all.

“Want to bring up something you asked me earlier ‘cause I didn’t get to explain why I answered the way I did.”

“Pretty self-explanatory,” she says.

“Would you let me finish?” I run my finger down her cheek. “Please?”

Bailee closes her eyes, trying to hide her hurt from me. I don’t like it, but I’ll give it to her this time.

“Said I didn’t know if I would come to you. It’s the truth. Done told you all I wanted after Heather was easy. Always found it hard to stay away from you when I was single. Didn’t expect this time to be any different. As much as I told myself it wasn’t what I wanted, we both know it was a lie. You’re under my skin. Always have been. So, no, don’t know if I’d have come for you, but the past has proven to us both that I probably would have. Feel like I keep sayin’ the same things with these conversations, but I need you to hear me, Hummingbird.”

Her glossy eyes soften a bit. “I understand, Jericho. I really do. And I know I’m being ridiculous and not making any sense to you. My heart hurts with the unknown, and I hate that. My hurt with all this isn’t going to go away overnight. You opened old wounds that I thought were long healed. That’s not necessarily your fault, but it still matters. I don’t want to go anywhere, but all this, as well as everything from the past, makes me wonder if it’s worth it anymore.”

I let out a heavy sigh, frustration eating away at me. Probably a bit of hurt too, if I look too closely. “It is, Bailee. We are. I promise to prove it to you, but you got to remember, baby girl. I’m a fuckin’ biker. This shit is out of my norm. Ain’t ever done romance a day in my fuckin’ life. Goin’ to need grace on a lot of shit because we’re happenin’ and ain’t got the first damn clue how to do it.”

“I’ll give you grace, Steel, but there can’t be any more women. If we’re real, if we’re doing this, I won’t have you fucking around on me.”

“Only one woman my dick wants,” I tell her seriously, making her lips twitch.

“Then it needs to stay that way.”

Already know this conversation doesn’t mean everything is right with us, but at least shit has been aired out enough that we’re finally on the same page of where we’re at. Don’t much like when shit’s off with us. It sends me into a tailspin, and right now, need my focus so we can get this shit with the Night Skulls done with.