Page 11

Chapter eleven

She doesn’t trust me.

That’s the only thing that keeps playing on repeat in my head as I clean up the dinner mess.

After everything I’ve done for her, after everything I’ve risked, she still doesn’t trust me. Hell, can I really blame her? The shit I put her through from the moment we met would have broken anyone. I think it did break her heart to an extent, But she’s Bailee motherfucking Sterling, and underneath that gentle heart and romantic soul lies a core of pure fucking titanium.

I want to prove to her that I can be trusted, but I think I’d only be fooling us both. Oh, she can trust me to keep her safe as best as I can. Anything outside of that, she’s smart not to put her trust in me.

She brushes against me as she goes to throw something away, and my body tightens as my cock grows behind my jeans. That’s all it takes from her—a single rub of her body against mine. Her pheromones or some shit seem to be a fucking siren’s call to my dick. It’s always been this way, so fucking potent that just being in each other’s vicinity is enough to set us on a collision course of demon-ridden madness.

As much as I want to lift her onto the counter, spread her out, and bury myself to the hilt inside her, I know it’s only going to complicate things even more. She’s not any more eager for this thing to start back up between us either.

I have two options: go home and fuck my fist until I’m raw, which I know still won’t get rid of this craving I have for her, or go to the club and get one—or a few—of the girls to work this shit out on. Neither will replace the one thing I truly want, but they’re the safest choices for now.

“Lock up behind me. If you need anything, call. Think about what we talked about. It’s a good idea, Lee,” I tell her, walking to the door after finishing the cleanup.

“You’re leaving?” Bailee asks in a monotone voice.

My feet come to a stop before reaching the door, but I don’t turn around. If I do, I’m going to go to her and do what I desperately want. I’m not a man who’s used to not getting what I want, so it’s a battle I’m struggling with.

“Told you, there’s shit goin’ on with the club. You’re not the only thing I’m dealin’ with,” I snap.

Bailee clears her throat, fighting off the melancholy that was in her voice. “You’re right. I apologize. I didn’t mean anything by that. I was just surprised by the abruptness of it. I’ll think about the film and give you my decision soon. If you’ll go ahead and go out, I’ll lock up behind you. A warm shower is really calling my name. My leg is bothering me, and I need to rest it.”

It’s the emptiness in her voice that has my shoulders pulling tight and my fists clenching. My abdomen constricts as my chin dips to my chest. I knew what I was doing with my harsh words, yet I didn’t curb them. Pushing Bailee away is something I’m good at, and it’s something that needs to be done to protect not just myself but her too. I’ll break her heart just like I did the last time. I’m not cut out for what she deserves, and someone like her deserves a hell of a lot more than what my biker life will give her.

So, instead of staying, apologizing, and making her feel better to appease my guilt, I give a sharp nod and walk out the door.

Fuck this shit, man. This is exactly why I refuse to get involved in another fucking relationship. I’m no good at them. Bailee and Heather are both proof of that. There’re only four things I’m good at: fucking, fighting, riding, and being a father.

Anything other than that is an epic fucking failure.

Bailee’s disenchanted face flashes in my mind, and I grind my teeth together as I throw my leg over my bike.

She chases me all the way to the clubhouse, and in a fit of desperation, I grab the first club whore I come across and drag her behind me to my room.

When I walk out the bathroom a few hours later, Rachel is still lying in my fucking bed. Marching over to the edge of it, I cross my arms and stare down at her. My lip curls in a snarl, and my nostrils flare. “Why the fuck are you still in here?”

Rachel’s eyes widen at my aggression, but then she smiles coyly and they flare with heat. “God, you’re so fucking hot when you’re angry.”

She stretches her body out, spreading her legs to show me her slickness, but my dick doesn’t even twitch at the sight.

Giving her what she wants, I roll my eyes over her and let her see the repulsive disinterest set in my gaze. “Go find someone to help you out with that. Got what I needed.”

“Are you serious right now?” she demands, sitting up and wrapping the sheet around herself.

“Given you any indication that I wasn’t? Get the fuck out of my room before I get one of the Old Ladies to come in here and remove you themselves.” She climbs out of my bed in a huff, keeping the sheet wrapped around herself. “Leave the sheet, Rachel. Already fucked every hole you have and so has every other man in here. No need to be modest now.”

Rachel snatches up her clothes and shoves herself into them, all the while aiming sharp glares my way. Not that I give a single fuck. I just want her the fuck out of here so I can get my sheets changed and go get my daughter.

“And people believe you’re the quiet one,” she mutters. “You’re a fucking asshole.”

“If you’d have done what you were supposed to do, which was leave after we were finished, you wouldn’t be dealin’ with it. You don’t stay where you’re not wanted. Those have always been the rules for every brother in this club.”

“You wanted me plenty, Steel.”

“Newsflash, Rachel,” I say, sliding my cut over my shoulders. “It wasn’t you I was fuckin’.”

Her face loses all color, and I regret my harsh words. Despite my frustration with her not being gone, she doesn’t deserve my anger, because I’m the toxic fucking mess that my ex created.

I start to apologize, but she shakes her head and gives a bitter laugh. “Don’t even. We both know it won’t be sincere. You all don’t see us. We’re just fuck buckets without emotions. You come in, you fuck us, then you leave to be with your Old Ladies, your baby mamas, your fucking loves. For a club that preaches so much about loyalty, you all only extend that loyalty to your brothers.”

“Don’t like where your life is at, you’re free to fuckin’ leave. Not holdin’ you hostage, Rachel. Here of your own volition. All of you are. Your choice, not ours. You don’t like your lot in life, then fuckin’ change it. Now, for the last time, get the fuck out of my room.”

I swear I hear her mutter something about what goes around comes around, but since I can’t be sure, I shrug it off and set about cleaning my room and wiping away the mistake I made by coming here tonight.

It’d have been less of a headache to just fuck my hand.

After making sure the door to my room is locked behind me, I head out of the clubhouse and back to my place to switch out vehicles then make my way over to Wraith’s. Normally, I’d stick around, but other than the shit Crow has going on, shit is quiet at the clubhouse. Plus, Lyric doesn’t ever bother me to come get her when she stays over with Wraith and Nova. Shit’s so up in the air with her mother, it’s no wonder she’s restless. My girl already admitted she doesn’t want us to live together with her mom again.

If there’s anyone I’m going to give in to, it’s going to be my daughter, but I’m also going to keep Heather on the string to make sure she gets clean. I don’t know why the hell I keep giving that woman so many chances. She’s proven me wrong too many times to count, but if I can’t have hope for Lyric when it comes to her mother, who the hell will?

The only goddamn thing in this world I want for her is to have a mom who sees her, who puts her first, and who loves her. Heather isn’t ever going to do that no matter how much I push, so I don’t know why I’m still fucking trying.

Nova smiles as she holds the door open for me. “Hey. She finally fell asleep a few minutes ago on the couch.”

“Sorry. Needed to grab a shower before comin’ to get her.”

“Probably a good idea.” She laughs quietly. “I don’t know what happened. She and Hendrick were fine all day, and then she called Heather to tell her goodnight. After that, she was quiet and wanted to go home with you.”

With a sigh, I scrub my hands over my face, so fucking exhausted from dealing with Heather’s shit. “Thanks. No tellin’ what she said to her. Sometimes they’re okay, but other times, Heather is so fuckin’ high that she’s doin’ whatever she can to manipulate me and Lyric. I fuckin’ hate it. I’m at the point where I’m about to yank custody from her.”

Wraith walks up and wraps his arm around Nova. “You should’ve done that a long fucking time ago, brother. She ain’t good for that girl in there.”

“Logically, I know that. Emotionally, I keep tellin’ myself I can’t do that to Lyric. Despite everything, Lyric loves her mom, and our daughter is the only person in the world who loves Heather unconditionally right now. Guess I keep hopin’ that will one day be incentive enough for her to clean her shit up and do right by our girl.” I glance over at the couch and my heart aches at the sadness I see on Lyric’s face even in her sleep. “Fuckin’ foolin’ myself. Heather’s only goin’ to get clean if she wants to. It doesn’t matter what Lyric or I do. I don’t give a shit about her, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doin’ whatever the fuck I can to try to get her to give up the drugs.” My quiet laugh is bitter as I turn back to them. “Can you fuckin’ believe I told her I’d try again if she got clean?”

“Oh, Steel, tell me you’re kidding,” Nova says.

“I was only tellin’ her what she needed to hear so she’d agree to clean herself up. But if she actually does get clean, doesn’t that little girl over there deserve to have her parents under the same roof?”

“Brother, what that little girl deserves is to see her dad happy instead of constantly putting himself last just to please her. What you’re doing, while commendable, isn’t healthy. Staying with Heather because of Lyric is only going to breed resentment. Hell, look at how toxic it was before this last split. It was nasty, brother. You and Heather? Even without Lyric, you’d have never worked. That little girl is the only thing you two have in common, and she’s the only thing that’s ever held you together.”

Wraith places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze as we both turn to glance down at my sleeping daughter. “You need to think about what kind of life you really want to give her, Steel. Because her mother isn’t fucking going to step up in the way she needs and deep down, no matter how much you want to try to believe otherwise, you know this too.”

Wraith’s words stick with me during the drive home.

Does Lyric pick up on my unhappiness when I’m with Heather? I know that she said she didn’t want us to live together again, but is it really because of the reason she told me? Maybe it’s time I sit Lyric down and have a serious talk with her. She’s nearing seven years old, and she’s smart as hell. She should be able to understand the importance of our talk. It’s not only my life, so why shouldn’t she be included in whatever decision I make?

Lyric wakes up as I’m tucking her into bed, and I brush the hair from her eyes. “Hey, Princess. You’re home.”

She stares up at me with solemn eyes. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“Want to tell me what happened to make you want to come home?”

“Mommy called the phone you made me take.” Lyric chews on her lip and then continues. “Daddy, she said that we’re going to be living together again and being a family.”

Of course, she did. “How does that make you feel? Do you want that?”

Lyric shrugs sleepily. “Don’t know. I know I said I didn’t want to before, but it might be all right, huh, Daddy?”

“Not sure, Princess. Ain’t really thought about it much. How about I think about it, okay? You know I’ll do what’s best for us, right?”

“Know, Daddy,” she mumbles, her eyes closing.

Her breathing evens out, and with a sigh, I brush a kiss against her head and stand. I pick up her shoes, place them on the rack beside her door, and set her bag on the chair in the corner for her to put up tomorrow, then pull the door shut behind me.

The front door flies open, and I have my gun out and pointed in that direction by the time the person steps through.

Heather’s eyes widen, and a squeal comes from her as her bag drops to the floor and she raises her hands in the air. “It’s just me, baby.”

I flick the safety back on and place my gun in the holster under my cut. “What are you doin’ here, Heather?”

This bitch has got some balls on her to fucking waltz in here like she’s a permanent fixture in this place. She’s never lived here, and the longer I look at her and remember the hell I’ve gone through with her, I don’t think I ever want her to.

“You said we were getting back together. I told you, we can’t do that if we’re not in the same place, honey. You have to see that we can work together as a family.”

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I sigh, so fucking exhausted with everything. “Heather, we tried for six fuckin’ years and were never able to make it work. We’re not good together. Toxicity surrounds us when we try to be in a relationship. Want to give Lyric a happy home and that’s hard to do when we’re a couple.”

She walks closer and reaches out to touch me, but I step back, not missing her scowl when I do. “I told you I’ll be better this time. I promise. I love you and Lyric. Please, baby.”

I search her eyes for any sign of drug use, but for once, she looks clean. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss the calculation hidden in the depths. The last couple times I’ve seen her, she seemed to be trying, but I don’t want to be with her. That part of us is finished. I gave her six years of my life, and I’m not sure I have it in me to give her any more of it. Heather is the mother of my daughter, and you can’t give someone that many years of your life without feeling something for them. It’s not a lot, but I do care. I just want her to be present for our daughter, and for her to do that, she’s got to put down her dope and stay away from the people who aren’t good for her.

“Look, H. Fuckin’ beat. Why don’t you take the spare room for tonight, and we’ll come at this conversation another time, yeah?”

The best move is to ignore the look of disappointment and anger on her face, so instead of worrying about it, I grab her bag and carry it into the spare room, sitting it on the bed. “Bed shit is clean. No one uses this room unless one of the brothers comes for the night. You know where the bathroom is. Lyric is asleep, so try not to make too much noise. Goodnight.”

“Wait, that’s it?” she asks, stopping me at the doorway.

I turn with a raised brow. “What else is there supposed to be?”

Heather works her jaw back and forth, and her nostrils flare before she smiles sweetly. “Nothing. Goodnight, baby.”

I see right through that fake-ass shit.

After checking on Lyric one last time, I head to the bedroom and get undressed, lock my gun up and place my knife in the nightstand, then shoot Bailee a goodnight text before falling into bed.

I groan at the warmth encasing my aching length and bury my hand in Bailee’s hair as I thrust my hips up and shove my cock into her mouth. Something teases my senses as she bobs her head, and whatever it is has my dick softening as my brain slowly comes online.

When I peer down, expecting to see Bailee, I clash with Heather’s eyes instead, and I have to fight back the nausea that roils in my gut as my body realizes what’s happening. The hold I have on her hair tightens, and without thinking, my other hand reaches into the nightstand to grab the knife.

I yank her off me as I sit up and shove the blade against her neck. “You ever fuckin’ touch me again without my goddamn permission, I’ll shove this blade through your neck and watch you bleed out at my feet. Do you understand me?” She doesn’t answer, and the thought of her doing it again has me shoving the blade farther into her. “I said, do you fuckin’ understand me? Or do I just need to do it now?”

Her eyes water. “I understand, Steel.”

“You don’t touch me. Ever. Not ever again.”

I’m fucking ashamed how my voice shakes, and it pisses me off. I toss her away from me. “Get the fuck out of here before Lyric gets up. Don’t just mean out of this bedroom, Heather. I mean get the hell out of my motherfuckin’ house.”

Numbness fills my mind as pain shoots through me from how tight I’m holding myself. I track her movements, my fingers tightening around the handle of the knife as I wait to strike.

As soon as she clears my door, I jump to my feet and grab my boxers, pulling them on and hurrying out to make sure she leaves.

Why the fuck did I sleep naked with her in the house?

She’s hesitating at Lyric’s door and glances over her shoulder when she hears me pounding down the hall after her. A terrified expression crosses her face before she rushes into the spare room and grabs her bag, nearly running out the front door.

I can only imagine what I look like right now because I feel like a monster intent on destroying anything in my path. Her touch has set off a vicious reaction inside me, and I need to shed some fucking blood to get the poison from under my skin.

Bailee and I aren’t anything, so I don’t know why the hell I’m feeling guilty. We’ve only fooled around a couple times since she’s been back in my life, which doesn’t make us exclusive, so getting my dick sucked by someone else isn’t fucking around on her.

My body shudders when I think about it, and after making sure Lyric is still sleeping, I jump in the shower. The temperature of the water nearly peels the skin from my body, but I stay in it until my stomach no longer clenches and my body feels clean enough.

The guilt is eating at me, and I think it’s best that I stay away from Sinful Saloon and Bailee for a bit. I don’t have to be around her to keep an eye on her and work on this shit with the Night Skulls. I need to clear my head and find some way to get whatever this is that’s building in my blood out of it, and if I get anywhere near her right now, she’s going to be the one I’m going to let it out on.