Page 153 of Something Like Hail

“I’m sorry,” Felix said,the words accompanied by a shake of his head. He opened his mouth,a squeak coming out before he tried again. “I’m sorry, but Ican’t.”

“Can’t what?” Noah asked,already dreading the answer.

“Stop hurting?” Felix said.“I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t want to feel this way. Iwant to go back to when all I could think about was how much I loveyou. Now all I can think about is them.”

“The guys I’ve beenwith.”

“I know I shouldn’t,” Felixsaid. “You must think I’m a stupid baby for—”

“You’re perfect the way youare!”

“I’m not! If I was, I wouldjust feel the good things and let go of the rest because I’mruining it!” Felix pulled his hand away to wipe at his eyes. Thenhe stood unsteadily. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’msorry.”

Noah stood too, but only because Felix washurrying toward the exit while choking back sobs. Noah almostchased after him. He almost refused to give up. Then he imaginedhow Felix would go home, cry himself to sleep, and wake up feelinga little more callous the next day. He would report to work, go toschool, and after enough weeks and months, the events that nowhaunted him would retreat into the distance. Eventually a handsomeyoung guy with a healthier past would notice him, and Noah wouldtake his place in history as the difficult lesson that Felix hadneeded to learn. So instead of chasing after him, Noah watchedFelix go, telling himself it would be a final sacrifice borne outof love. The kindest thing he could do.

He went to the bar, ready to obliterate histortured thoughts. Noah ordered a beer. While he waited for it tobe poured, his eyes moved to a drained drink on the counter, theice cubes at the bottom slowly melting. Then he heard cheering andturned around to see Ruben celebrating his racing victory. Chesterstood next to him, laughing at his antics. A college graduatewithout debt and an old man who refused to be lonely. Noah stillbelieved in the Gentlemen’s Agreement Club, despite what it hadcost him. And he still believed in love, regardless of how often ithad burnt him. Most of all, he still believed in a future where hecame home every night to a sweet guy with way too many interestsand never enough room to store them all.

Noah slapped a ten dollar bill on thecounter, then ran for the exit. Once outside, he looked up and downthe sidewalk, not finding who he was searching for, but spotting afamiliar figure near the cars parked out front. The man was leaningagainst a maroon convertible and stood upright when he noticed Noahthere.

“Harold?” Noah saiddisbelievingly. Then he shook his head to clear it. “Did you happento see—”

“That way,” Harold said,pointing to the left. “Seemed like he was in a hurry.”

Noah peered in the indicated direction. Hecould see far enough to know that he was too late. Felix could havegone down any of the side streets, or already gotten into a car anddriven away.

“Are you okay?”

Noah looked back to Harold. “No. Notreally.”

“I’m sorry,” Harold said,taking a step closer. “I guess it didn’t go so well.”

“It went fine,” Noah saidwearily. “Ruben was great. He’s inside. Go see him if you want. I’mokay. I’ll be in after a little while.”

“I’m here foryou.”

“Thanks,” Noah said,looking down the street again. “It was nice of you to bring Ruben.Seriously though, go see him. You don’t have to hide out here.Especially now.”

“I didn’t give him a rideand I’m not hiding,” Harold said. “I’m here for you.”

Noah looked over at him in surprise. He hadmisunderstood the meaning of the words, but there was nomisinterpreting that expression. Harold appeared vulnerable, likehe’d just spoken a confession.

“Just in case you need me,”he added. “Or want me.”

“What about Ruben?” Noahasked.

Harold shrugged. “He’s got an internshiplined up in Arizona. He wants me to go with him, but we both know Iwon’t. I’m too much of an Austin boy.”

“So you’re nottogether?”

“We’re letting it play outto the end. That’s what we agreed on.” Harold lowered his head andseemed lost in thought. Then he raised it again and took a couplemore steps forward. “It just seems to me that we’re both lookingfor second chances, you know? And neither one of us is having muchluck, but maybe that could change.”

Because while it wasn’t possible to makeyour own luck, you could make it for another person. Noah couldgive Harold the luck he yearned for, and in return, maybe he couldfinally let himself continue feeling what they had—

Footsteps. Noah had been aware of them onthe edge of his perception, but it was the thud and cry of painthat finally drew his attention. He glanced over and saw someonepushing himself up from the sidewalk. When he noticed the bluehair, he broke into a run. Felix was half a block down, lookingmore embarrassed than hurt. Noah helped him to his feet and checkedhis hands. They were indented where they had slammed into smallstones. The skin along the meaty part of the palms was scraped,tiny droplets of blood rising to the surface.

“I’m fine,” Felix said,pulling away his hands. He sucked on one of them, eyes searchingNoah’s, until he let his arms drop. “It helped.”

Noah shook his head, not understanding.“What?”