Page 145 of Something Like Hail

Felix nodded encouragingly. “I’mlistening.”

“I never graduated fromhigh school. We can start there. I’ve always been a reader, and Ilike to think that I was blessed with brains, so I honestly don’tfeel like I’m missing anything. Although I guess an accountingcourse would have been useful.”

“You can take one at thecommunity college I go to! And you can get your GED. I have afriend who did that. She said it was easy.”

“Yeah,” Noah said. “Bothgood ideas. The point I’m trying to make is that not having a highschool diploma, or a bank account, or even a mailing address, madeit hard to find a real job. I didn’t have much luck. Nothing thatlasted, or that I could put on a résumé, since a lot of it wasunder the table. None of it paid well. The shelters are great, buttwo meals a day wasn’t always enough, or I would be too busy tryingto take care of Ryan while he was high and—” He sighed. “It sucked.You get the picture, right?”

“Yes,” Felix said, but heno longer looked so certain.

“You probably see wherethis is going,” Noah continued, heart pounding and mouthincreasingly dry. He should have brought a glass of water with him,but he didn’t dare back away from this conversation lest he neveragain find the courage to continue it. “Just imagine beingdesperate and scared. Then you discover a solution that’s reallyeasy, so you take it, even though it’s something most people wouldlook down on.”

Felix’s eyebrows came together in confusionbefore they shot up in realization. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Noah said, stilltense. “Ryan did it first. I didn’t like it, but we needed themoney. Or he needed it. For drugs. When he saw how unhappy it mademe, he took me out for a burger and told me to get whatever Iwanted. As much as I could eat. I stuffed myself. By the end ofthat meal, I had already forgiven him. God that sounds sad, butyou’d be surprised what hunger can do to you. I was starving, andhe made a sacrifice to feed me. I still couldn’t bring myself to dothe same. Not until he was locked up and I was on my own. I hadseen Ryan get ripped off, so I demanded the fifty bucks up front.”Noah shook his head. “Fifty bucks. Jesus! What a stupid kid Iwas.”

“What happened?” Felixcroaked. “What did he make you do?”

“To be honest, once the guystarted groping me, I pretended I needed to pee. The second I wasout of his car, I freaked and ran off. That’s the only time Istole. I’m not proud of it.”

Felix exhaled, visibly relieved. “So younever actually had to sleep with anyone.”

Noah’s stomach sank, but he forced himselfto press on. “Not that night. And not in those conditions. Keep inmind that I was on the streets for years, stuck in the same viciouscircle. Then I saw a way out. An escort service.” He paused,letting that sink in while wishing he didn’t need to say more. Buthe did. “That’s what I’ve been doing for the past year.”

Felix moved his mouth, trying to find theright question or maybe just settle on one. “But that’s just goingon dates. You’re not actually… You know.”

“I sleep with people formoney,” Noah said, refusing to dance around it any longer. “Yes, itbegins as a date. It isn’t as cold as you might imagine. For themost part, these are really nice guys who are lonely. The workisn’t heartless, but yeah, when you break it down, I get paid tohave sex.”

Felix scooted back, recoiling from him. Hemade sounds, fragments of incomprehensible words, before he gave upcompletely and shook his head, as if wanting to deny what he’d justheard.

“I was hungry,” Noahreminded him. “I was desperate! Escorting was the only way out ofmy predicament I could see. And it worked! I turned my life aroundin less than a year. Not just this apartment or the full pantry. Iactually have money in the bank, and like I said, the work isn’t asgrim as you might imagine. But that’s all changing. I really didget the promotion I told your mother about. I have a new job nowand—”

“How many?”

Noah’s mouth clamped shut. He wished hecould keep it that way, because he knew what was being asked, andhow upsetting Felix would find the answer. Still, in the off chancethat he was wrong… “How many what?”

“Um.” Felix resumednibbling on his bottom lip, struggling to get the words out. “Howmany guys— People? Was it just… How many have you sleptwith?”

“It was only guys,” Noahconfirmed. “I don’t know how many.”

“Okay, but do you just haveone or two that you see regularly? I saw this movie once about ahustler, and the guy just slept with the same clients every week. Ithink he had five?” Felix looked hopeful. “Is that how it is withyou?”

“I have regulars,” Noahsaid carefully. “Some guys want variety, so I only see them once ortwice.”

“But how many?”

“Does it matter?” Noahsnapped. Then he exhaled and forced himself to be patient. “I don’tkeep count, but it’s dozens. Even if it’s over a hundred, Istill—”

“Is it?” Felix said,looking shocked.

“Maybe. Listen, when youlove someone, sex isn’t the same. It’s the difference betweenhearing music on the radio, and buying an album that you play overand over again because you can’t get enough and it’s better eachtime.”

Felix’s face, already strained with hurt,crumpled before disappearing behind his hands. The sobbing noisesthat followed left no room for doubt. He was devastated.

“Please,” Noah said,pulling at his arms and wanting to look him in the eye. “I didn’tlove those guys. It’s just a stupid job! It’s just sex!”

Felix moved his hands away, face wet andquestioning. “Did you… Since we met. Since we started dating?”

Noah leaned back and sighed. “Yeah.”