Page 118 of Something Like Hail

Tim seemed to wrestle with a number ofresponses, but in the end he only shrugged. Okay. Noah led the wayto the vending machines. Ryan picked out what he wanted and Noahdid the same, his stomach rumbling with hunger. Tim just shook hishead when offered. So far he hadn’t spoken a word. When they sat atthe table again, they did so on opposite ends, Noah between themlike a mediator. He didn’t need to prod a conversation into life.Ryan took the initiative.

“It’s so good to see you,”he said, eyes sparkling as he stared across the table. “You lookamazing! Even better than before.”

Tim opened his mouth. Then he shut it.

Ryan tried again. “How have you been?”

“Fine,” Tim said at last.He seemed to struggle with himself before he added,“You?”

“I’m doing better.” Ryan’seyes darted to the side. “I’m not alone in here anymore. I’ve madea few friends.”

“That’s great!” Noah saidencouragingly.

Ryan’s smile was tight.“Yeah. I still hate it here though. This is hell, and I know Ideserve it but…” He slid his hand across the table toward Tim, whorecoiled visibly. “Oh god! Look what I’ve done to you. I amso,sosorry!That’s the first thing I need to say, because what I did wasunforgiveable. I know that. But I need you to understand that theperson in your house that day wasn’t me.”

“He sure looked like you,”Tim grumbled.

“Of course! I’m not tryingto say it was someone else, but that wasn’t who I am inside.” Ryanwithdrew his hand to place it over his heart. “You know that! Evenat my worst, I never tried to hurt you. I should have listened.When I overdosed and you pleaded with me to stop, I should havequit, but I didn’t know any other way to numb the pain I feltinside. I missed you so bad, and I knew I had ruined it all. Thedrugs helped. Heroin, crack, whatever I could get. I just wanted tostop myself feeling, and I guess I succeeded because I never wouldhave hurt you otherwise. I love you too much.”

Tim looked at Noah forguidance. Or maybe to say,this is whatyou brought me here for?Either way, Noahfelt the need to intervene, so he addressed Ryan. “In your letters,you often talk about wanting to explain what happened that day.From your perspective.”

Ryan leapt on this. “I wasn’t there to shootyou or anyone else!”

“Then why did you have agun?” Tim demanded.

“I was in trouble. I owedmoney to some very bad people. Worse than that. I stole fromthem.”

Tim glowered. “Like you did from me.”

“Yes. I was an idiot thentoo, and I’m sorry. If I had it all to do over again, I never wouldhave taken you for granted. I would have—”

Noah cleared his throat, wanting to keep thestory on track. “What did you steal from the people you were introuble with?”

“Drugs,” Ryan said. “Andmoney. I was supposed to be selling most of what I was using. Imanaged to move some, but then I got robbed. Just the cash, thankgod. The thief didn’t find the drugs, but I knew I was in trouble,so when a customer couldn’t pay and offered me a gun instead, Itook it. I only wanted to defend myself.”

Tim crossed his arms over his chest. “Youshowed up at my house, and you didn’t even knock. You crept throughthe back—”

“I knew you wouldn’t answerthe door! I needed to talk to you.”

“—and when you found myhusband and son in the kitchen, you pulled the gun on them. Wasthat in self-defense? Because I don’t think they attacked you. Notuntil you threatened their lives.”

Ryan had his hands up now. “Please, slowdown. I was desperate to find you. I needed help—”

“You neededmoney.”

“Yes! What else could I do,tell the police I used all the heroin I was supposed to be selling?Ask them to arrest the drug cartel so I could feel safe whensleeping on the streets at night? I was a nobody, and I wasdesperate!”

Tim didn’t argue this point. He simplystared at Ryan in stony silence.

Ryan pressed on anyway. “I was trying tofind you because I knew you were the only person on this miserableplanet who ever loved me, and the only one who would be willing tohelp.”

“I would have,” Tim said.“Had you done things right. Had you come to me and explainedeverything—”

“That’s what I was tryingto do! I know it seems crazy and it was. I was half-mad from fear,starvation, and withdrawal. I wasn’t myself, and when I saw him…”Ryan shook his head. “All the pain came back. Ben was the reason webroke up and I was still hurting—”

“Ben isnotthe reason we broke up,” Timsaid, his voice a low growl. “He and I weren’t together then. Inever cheated on you. We only made you believe that so you wouldget the hell out of my life, and for the record, I take the blame,because I should have been man enough to get rid of youmyself.”

“But you couldn’t,” Ryansaid softly. “Because you love me.”