Page 146 of Something Like Hail
Felix was on his feet and heading toward thedoor. Noah barely had time to react. He scurried to catch up, oneword on his lips that he kept repeating because this was the lastthing he wanted. “No no no no!” He sprinted ahead and slammed hisback against the front door to prevent Felix from leaving. “No!Please! Just talk to me!”
Felix bared his teeth, but the anger didn’tlast. His features fell and he started crying again, pawing at Noahineffectually in an effort to get him to move. Even though Felixwas small, he still could have summoned enough force to hurt him.He could have balled his fists and started swinging or kickedNoah’s shins until he moved out of the way, but even so deeplyhurt, he was still too gentle to resort to violence.
Noah tried to grip his shoulders to calmhim. When Felix pulled away, he realized that words were his lastchance for salvation. “I quit that job. For you! I’m not an escortanymore. I only want us to be together. I didn’t cheat! You knowthat, right? I never lied. We weren’t monogamous.”
“I know,” Felix said, armswrapped around himself, like he was trying to hold his intestinesin after being gutted. He kept sniffing too, Noah not daring tomove from the door to fetch him tissues. “I figured there might besomeone else and that’s why you were so busy but I didn’t think—”Felix squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. Then he stooped topick up his shoes. “I need to go.”
“Stay here,” Noah pleaded,taking the shoes from him. His throat ached with the effort to holdback tears of his own. “If you need time to think, do it here. Thisis your home. I’ll go.”
Felix kept shaking his head. “No.”
“Yes! Please. For me. Ifyou love me, do this one last thing. I need to know that you’resafe. Stay here. Think about it. I’ll come back in the morning andwe can talk.”
Felix spun around and took a few paces downthe hall, shoulders shaking as more tears racked his body. Noahwiped away a few of his own, because he hadn’t expected it to bethis bad. He needed to make it better. He let the shoes drop to thefloor and walked down the hall to place a hand on Felix’s shoulder,but his boyfriend flinched at his touch. Noah retreated. If hepushed his luck now, Felix really would leave, and Noah wasn’t surehe’d ever see him again. He took his keys from the hook by thedoor, grabbed his own shoes this time, and looked back down thehall. Felix still had his back to him, but at least he had stoppedcrying.
“I’ll be back in themorning. Please be here.”
No response.
“I meant what I said in thetruck earlier. Nothing I’ve done in the past can touch what I feelin my heart. That’s my sanctuary. That’s where I loveyou.”
His hand was on the door knob when theresponse came, faint and trembling.
“I love youtoo.”
Noah took little comfort in the words,knowing that this wasn’t always enough. Sometimes, not even lovecould make the pain worth staying for.
* * * * *
The truck rumbled through Austin, its pathjust as aimless as the driver’s thoughts. Noah needed guidance,someone to turn to for reassurance and advice. His parents werenext to useless, and while he had made plenty of friends in theprevious year, none of them seemed qualified to help. Marcello heldthe world in his hands, but his personal fulfilment revolved aroundbusiness conquests and financial success. Edith wasn’t sodifferent, having once said that she couldn’t imagine a romanticrelationship as satisfying as the work she did. Harold was nostranger to heartbreak, but turning to him now would be incrediblyunfair, maybe even tempting, so Noah scratched him off his mentallist. That didn’t leave him much to work with. His clients? Toounprofessional, especially now that he was taking over thebusiness. Tim had a successful marriage, but Noah had meddled inhis life enough. Who was left? Ryan? Ha! Pete the bouncer? Noahknew little about him and would probably be better off talking to acomplete stranger. Not a bad idea, actually. Maybe he should hiresome sort of therapist or marriage counsellor. Then again, atherapist would probably find his past just as abhorrent as Felixdid.
Noah noticed the stop sign just as he blewpast it. He slammed on the brakes, coming to a halt in the middleof an intersection. Headlights blinded him and a blaring horn sentadrenaline shooting through his system. When he squinted throughthe windshield, he saw that the other car had barely managed tostop in time. He was shaken but okay, and clearly in no state to bedriving.
Noah ignored more angry honks as he easedhis foot off the brakes, hands shaky as he cruised a block away andpulled over into a metered parking spot. He wasn’t sure if heneeded to put in coins this late and didn’t care if he got aticket. All that mattered was keeping himself in motion, becausethis seemed to help him think. He left the truck behind, stilldesperate to find a solution. Felix was too special, too sweet, tolose over something that—frankly—wasn’t a big deal. Noah hadn’tcheated. He hadn’t been forthcoming, but he hadn’t lied either, andhe still wasn’t ashamed of the work he had done.
It’s just sex.
The toe of Noah’s foot hit an uneven slab inthe sidewalk, causing him to stumble. He barely noticed, his mindracing back to a night where he had stood huddled with Ryan, a carparked not far away. Inside was a guy with big hairy arms and asmile that put him in mind of a leering wolf.
“I don’t like this,” Noahhad whispered, quivering even though the evening air held only themildest of chills.
Ryan shook too, but out of need rather thanfrom the temperature. “He’ll probably blow his load in two minutesflat. Easy money. It’s not a big deal! It’s just sex.”
It wasn’t “just” anything! Sex was special,an expression of their love. That’s why it was a big deal. And nowRyan wanted to sell part of that love to a complete stranger.“Please don’t!”
“I’ll be fine,” Ryan hadsaid in patient tones reserved for the exceptionally naïve. “You’resweet for worrying.” Then he had given him a peck on the lips andwent to use them on another man. Noah had stood there in the coldand continued to tremble, each second that passed adding anothersmall crack to his heart until it broke completely.
Noah blinked, returning tothe present.Sweet. That’s how Ryan had described him, and how Noah so oftenthought of Felix. Innocent, inexperienced, and yes, maybe a littlenaïve. Noah played the opposite role now. He had become Ryan inthis scenario, the guy with a complicated past that he used toexplain away any behavior that others found unsettling. The one whohad exposed another to the unsavory truth that bodies could bebought and sold. That’s life. No big deal. It’s justsex.
Noah shook his head as he continued walkingdown the street, drawing more parallels, like the divided heart.Ryan had been unable to stop longing for Tim. Noah had done thesame, never quite sure if he was ready to let go of Haroldcompletely. Thank god he’d had the decency to keep thoseuncertainties from Felix. He hadn’t talked about Harold all thetime like Ryan had Tim, but he was still guilty of having feelingsfor more than one person.
Noah checked his surroundings and foundhimself in the past again. His own, and during a much simpler time,because he had been alone. No friends, no boyfriend. The park hecurrently stood outside of had been one of his favorites to sleepin. Noah opened the waist-high gate to let himself in, checking forany police nearby out of habit, although these days they were lesslikely to harass him. Noah had a home he could return to, and awallet full of plastic cards and paper cash that proved he was arespectable person.
If only he still felt that way. Then again,why shouldn’t he?
Noah tried to get angry.How dare Felix make him feel ashamed for doing what was needed tosurvive! This didn’t work, because he imagined Ryan expressing thesame indignation.It’s not a bigdeal!To him maybe it wasn’t, and perhapsnot to Noah these days, but the issue still mattered to Felix, andthat made it important.
What could he do? The damage had been done.Noah approached the problem from a new angle and tried to imaginehow Ryan could have made it up to him. No longer sleeping withothers would have been a start, as would Ryan finally giving himthe entirety of his heart, but that’s what Noah had tried to do. Hehad quit working as an escort. He had been steadily falling in lovewith Felix. What more could be done?