Page 37 of Someone to Call My Own

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t want to love you either.” I could tell by his scowl that my words only made things worse. As heartfelt confessions go, mine was pretty lame. I yelled my feelings at him then told him I wished they weren’t there. I had a long way to go for improvement.

“Jon, I’m not trying to be cruel to you; I’m trying to be as honest as I can. The only thing I might ever give you is my body.”

“I call bullshit, but if that’s the case, I refuse to settle, Emory,” I said, walking toward my car. “Call me when you reach that point too.”

Driving away from him that night was the hardest thing I’d ever done. My body begged me to reconsider, but I knew I had made the right call. I just hoped he didn’t make me wait long.

Ipressed my fingers to my tingling lips as I watched Jon drive away.He’s in love with me.I didn’t want him to love me, and I didn’t want to feel anything for him either. I might never love him the way he deserved, but my God I wanted him so bad. The way he expressed his feelings was nothing like the first vision I had of us together. His confession was raw and loud, like it was ripped right from his soul. And I don’t mean that because he practically yelled it at me in frustration. It almost sounded rusty, like he’d never spoken the words to someone before me. My heart raced over that possibility. In my premonition, the words were smooth and flowed from him as natural as breathing. I found myself looking forward to experiencing the progression of his confessions from the new and untried to the polished and effortless.

Damn it, Emory. Stop being an idiot and go after him!I closed my eyes as a broken sob slipped from my lips.River!How long had I waited to hear his voice again? And when he showed up, he tells me to chase after another man? Sweet Jesus, I had finally lost my mind. I’d probably been slowly slipping for quite some time, but I had apparently hit rock bottom. No man would urge his husband into the arms of another man.

He would if he loved him more than he loved himself. Go to him, Emory. He’s the reason you’re in Blissville.

“No!” I shook my head then realized how crazy I looked. If I kept it up, the guys with straight jackets would show up and haul me off to the behavioral science floor at the nearest hospital.

Go to him, Emory!

No.That time I just thought my refusal instead of voicing it out loud. I didn’t want to go to Jon after he confessed his feelings for me. Having sex with him knowing that he was emotionally engaged when I wasn’t would be cruel. I lived with enough guilt already.

Live, damn you! You did not die with me, Emory. Stop being a coward and fucking live.

I angrily wiped the tears off my face as I walked to my car. I had no intention of driving to Cincinnati to chase after Jon, but I was probably only five minutes behind him when I hit the interstate. I knew I could catch him if the traffic was light and I didn’t get pulled over for speeding. I had no clue where the man lived, so I either caught up to him and followed him home like a creep, or I called him and asked for directions. I thought option number one was my best bet and pressed down harder on the gas pedal.

My heart raced faster than my car as I scanned the highway the best I could without being reckless. I spotted his car up ahead and fell in behind him. “What the fuck am I doing?”

Living!

“Shut up, River.” I could almost hear his laughter at my irritation.

I expected Jon to live in a downtown high-rise, but he drove to a neighborhood in Hyde Park that looked like old money. I could see Jon’s head turn to look in his rearview mirror every time we pulled up to a red light or stop sign. Did he know it was me? How could he miss those silver racing stripes on my Mini Cooper? Was he going to reject me again or accept what I was willing to give?Did I even know what I was willing or even capable of giving?

He paused for a few seconds at a four-way stop, and I wondered if his hesitation was because we were getting closer to his house. The driver behind me didn’t seem to care about Jon’s need to weigh his options because he laid on his horn until Jon began to move. I continued to follow him up roads that led higher and higher up a steep hill. Finally, Jon turned into a gated driveway. It was his chance to send me away, but he didn’t. He must’ve pushed a button inside his car because the gates slowly swung open.

Jon drove his car through the gates as soon as they were open wide enough for him to fit, and I followed closely on his bumper. Lamp posts lit the curving drive up to a modern, two-story brick and stone home that I thought must look amazing in the daylight. At night, it looked regal and proud nestled in the trees with landscape lighting strategically aimed at the house, bathing it in a soft glow. As gorgeous as it was, it didn’t feel like Jon to me.

I wasn’t sure why I thought that, and I didn’t have much time to dwell on it because Jon pulled to a stop in the circular driveway in front of the house rather than continue to the garage that was attached to the side. He shut his car off and got out; so did I. Jon walked toward me, but I stayed by my car in case he asked me to leave, which was no more than I deserved.

“What are you doing here, Emory?”

“I think you know.”

“I have a pretty good idea, but what has changed since I left Blissville forty minutes ago?”

“Nothing,” I answered honestly. “I don’t love you, Jon.”

“Yet,” he corrected. “You don’t love me yet.” He reached for my hand and slid his fingers in between mine. “If you walk across that threshold with me, I’m going to push you up against the nearest surface and fuck you. Probably more than once. Can you live with that?”

His words sent an electrical current racing through my body. My dick hardened fast and almost painfully beneath my tight briefs. No one had ever talked dirty to me or tried to dominate me, but it ignited something inside me like he was holding a lit match near gasoline fumes. In Jon’s eyes, I saw the raw need that burned through him just as strong as it did me.

“Take me inside.”

Jon didn’t ask me if I was sure; he gripped my hand tightly and pulled me up the broad, stone steps to the front porch. I expected him to drop my hand to unlock the front door, but he hit a few numbers on a keypad with his left hand before twisting the knob to let us inside.

I had caught a brief glimpse of the living room beyond the foyer before Jon turned to me. He didn’t even bother shutting the door before he backed me up against the foyer table. Jon’s hands immediately went to my neck to loosen my tie while he swooped down and captured my lips in a hard, demanding kiss. He released a torrent of emotions he’d repressed since we met, and I tasted each one on his tongue.

I wasn’t sure where to put my hands first because I wanted to touch him everywhere at the same time. I started with removing his tie as he’d done for me then yanked on his shirt hard enough to send buttons scattering onto the marble floor. Jon growled sexily into my mouth and ripped my shirt open too. I hungrily gasped when he touched my bare skin for the first time.

Jon placed his palms flush against my chest then slowly slid them down until he reached the waistband of my pants. Instead of releasing my belt, he slid his hands even lower to stroke my straining erection through the fabric of my slacks and briefs. Years ago, I would’ve wondered if I was wearing good underwear, but not with Jon. I didn’t care as long as he yanked them down, spread my legs, and fucked me like he’d promised.