Page 13 of Someone to Call My Own
The truth was, I had no clue how to tap into my ability to see what else I could do and had no desire to change that. “Would you want to know?” I asked.
“No,” Memphis replied. “Well, unless he was a serial killer and you could prevent my painful, torturous death.”
“That’s a given,” I replied. “Nothing else though? You wouldn’t want me to spare you the pain of heartbreak?”
“Would you have wanted that with River?” Memphis asked. “Would you have walked away from River to avoid heartache or would you have loved him anyway?”
“Walking away from River was never an option,” I softly said into the phone. I wouldn’t trade a single second of the time I had with my husband for the promise of a pain-free future. Not knowing River’s love, not hearing his laughter, and not seeing his eyes light up when I walked into a room would’ve been the bigger tragedy.
“I wouldn’t want the knowledge of the future to rob me of my present either,” Memphis said. “Besides, I think we both know how this is going to end.”
“Someday the right guy is going to come along,” I told him.
“Yeah, but I’ll ignore him for a tall, dark, and dickhead.” Memphis’s sardonic laughter brought a smile to my face.
“Oh, I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised,” I said, trying to sound mysterious and intriguing.
“Do you know something?” Memphis asked, taking the bait.
“You just told me that you never wanted to know your future events unless it involved saving you from a serial killer,” I reminded him. “I’m pretty sure ‘pleasantly surprised’ isn’t a phrase I would use if you got nabbed by a serial killer.”
“You’re an asshole, Emory. Did anyone ever tell you that?”
“Goodbye, Memphis,” I said into the phone before hanging up.
I smiled up at my bedroom ceiling because I loved riling him up. I reached for the remote and unmuted the sound of the college basketball tournament game I was watching before Memphis called me. The lead had shifted to the underdog at some point during our conversation, and I suddenly found the game a lot more exciting. I rarely watched television in bed anymore, but the living room walls were still wet.
I fell asleep before the game was over, but it was hard to be upset about not knowing who won the game because River finally returned to me in my sleep. I was lying on my right side in the center of my bed, and he spooned up behind me like old times. I released a long sigh of relief because I never thought I’d feel the heat of his body again. River raised his right arm up and gripped my hand where it rested on the pillow while he moved my long hair off my neck with his left.
“You’ve been gone for so long,” I whispered into the night.
River didn’t say anything; he used his lips to communicate by kissing the back of my neck, and it had my dick hard as a spike instantly. River slid his left hand down to cup the back of my thigh on my left leg and pushed forward so that it angled up, giving him access to my cock, balls, and ass. As thrilling as it felt to have his hands on my body again, the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up for a reason other than excitement, but my brain was too fogged with lust to figure out the cause for my unease.
River continued to kiss the back of my neck while he gently worked my ass open for him. I loved when he took me in that position because it meant he would love me long and slow until my eyes rolled back into my head, and I came hard all over the sheets. I shamefully moaned and pushed my ass against his slick fingers, needing more friction and deeper penetration. It had been so long—too long—since we’d last made love, and I was ready to come just from his fingers.
Again, River didn’t say anything; he just kept kissing my neck. “Please, baby. I need to feel you inside me.” I felt tears of frustration burning behind my closed eyes and heard them in my voice.
River removed his fingers from my ass and pressed the tip of his erection against my puckered opening. I cried out when he pushed inside me slow. Damn, it felt like I was giving my virginity to him all over again. River waited for me to adjust to his penetration and continued loving on my neck and shoulder. When I was ready, I pushed my ass against him eagerly. River didn’t need further instruction and slowly eased his way inside me.
“Fuck!” I cried out when he grazed my prostate. “So good, baby.” I felt my balls pull tight and firm against my body as my orgasm neared. River felt wider and longer than I remembered, but I was too lost in the pleasure to give it much thought. “More!”
He placed his left hand on my hip and started thrusting harder and faster, nothing like we used to do in that position. I didn’t care; I needed to come, and I was almost there. When my orgasm hit me, it was so powerful that my breath got stuck in my throat and no words or sound escaped me as I silently came all over my stomach and sheets.
River’s grip on my hand and hip became almost bruising as he chased his orgasm too. I smiled when moans of ecstasy escaped him when he came inside me, but my euphoria didn’t last long. My body, which had been warm with pleasure, turned to ice with fear. That moan didn’t belong to River. I noticed the distinct feel of a ring on my lover’s left hand. River and I never exchanged rings; we said it was too heterosexual. I hated that decision once I lost him. I stiffened in horror when I raised my left hand and saw a wedding band on my ring finger.It couldn’t be right, so why did it feel that way? Why wasn’t I struggling to get away? Why did I nestle into him instead of tearing myself away?
“I love you, Em,” my lover said into my ear.
“I love you too.”No! I promised that I’d never give my heart to someone else.
I jerked out of my sleep gasping for air. Hot tears poured down my face, and cum cooled on my stomach and chest. My sex-deprived body enjoyed the fuck out of that dream, but my heart felt bruised and shattered. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t real; I felt like I was unfaithful to River.
I sobbed in the shower as I scrubbed my skin repeatedly to wash away the evidence of my body trying to move on when my heart still said no. The words of love exchanged between my dream lover and me echoed through my brain and nothing I did silenced them. After I turned off the shower and toweled off, I wrapped myself in the ratty robe he loved so much and curled into a fetal position in the middle of the bed.
“I’m sorry, River. Please come back to me.”
Ilived most of my adult life on the edge and had stopped getting nervous decades ago. My hands always remained steady, and my focus never wavered in any situation. I didn’t second guess my decisions, and I never looked back once I took that step forward. I learned to control adrenaline when it coursed through my veins and used it to my advantage. Nerves, doubt, and second-guessing would’ve led to one thing—my death.
It seemed like all my old habits returned to me the night I was supposed to meet Rick while wearing a wiretap. A million ants crawled beneath my skin as nerves invaded my body, I had a hard time focusing on the mission—for lack of a better word—when the tech guys wired me for sound and video, and I questioned my decision every other minute. What the hell had I agreed to do? There was no way Rick Spizer had anything to do with killing Nate. I knew it to my core. Then it occurred to me that I could use my time to prove his innocence rather than trap him. And just like that, my nerves and doubt disappeared.