Page 24 of Someone to Call My Own

“You’ve waited this long, what’s another few weeks?”

Those few weeks turned into months. The next thing I knew it was June and I was still stuck in a fucking rut. I tried to avoid restlessness by going to the club more and getting involved in the Queen City initiatives I started to honor my brother. I did things like attend weekly Rotary meetings and clean parks at the ass crack of dawn on Saturday mornings. I attended ribbon-cutting ceremonies at new outdoor sports complexes for kids. Oddly, the more I was around people, the more isolated I felt.

Every Sunday, I remembered Gabe’s invitation to their weekly dinners. Every Sunday, I was tempted to get in my car and drive to his house, but I stopped just short of doing it. I didn’t want to see Emory. I couldn’t get him out of my mind, and he chased me in my sleep. Of course, it didn’t help matters when I continuously searched for more articles about him or watched the episodes of the psychic detective show that featured him. I had it bad, but I wasn’t quite sure whatitwas. Lust? Obsession?

Toward the end of June, I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to see him again to know if the pull I felt toward him was real or imagined. Was he as gorgeous as I remembered? Were his eyes the lightest shade of green I’d ever seen before or was that me just being fanciful? Did he still wear that sadness around him like a cloak? Were his lips as full and plump as I recalled, and why did I want to kiss them until he smiled? Since when the fuck did I start thinking like some sappy-ass, bodice-ripping, romance hero from a Harlequin novel? Yeah, okay, maybe I read of few of my mom’s books when I was a teenager, but I treated it as a How Not to Act guide. Yet, there I was taking a page from one of those books.

I tried losing myself in someone else’s ass once, and I was miserable afterward but couldn’t understand why. I owed Emory Jackson nothing. He was no one to me.But he could be everything to me.I hated that voice in my head that was always right. It had never led me astray in any situation or on a mission. That voice told me to get in the fucking car, drive down the fucking interstate to some town named Fucksville, and spend time with Emory. I noticed that my little voice didn’t say spend time fucking Emory. Spend time with him. Like how? Gaze into his eyes across the table? Hang on to every word that left his lips? I wasn’t that guy! That same little voice that told me to go to Emory also informed me that Emory required more than I could give.Wanted to give.

I got in my fucking car and drove down the interstate toward Fucksville to see Emory. I had talked myself in and out of going so many times that there was no way in hell that I would make it to Gabe’s house in time to eat. I’d settle for Josh’s cold leftovers in place of most people’s hot cooked meals any day. I questioned my actions every mile that I drove because Emory and I had nothing in common besides heartache. We both survived losing people that meant the world to us. I wasn’t sure that was the best kind of foundation to build a relationship on and I…

That thought almost shocked me enough to pull off at the next exit and turn around. I didn’t do relationships. That wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t need to sleep with the same person each night and wake up next to them the next morning. I didn’t need someone to anticipate my desires or finish my sentences for me. That was the last damn thing I wanted.Liar,that little voice said.

I pushed on and arrived at Gabe and Josh’s well after the party started. They were playing some backyard game where they threw bags at a board with a hole in it. They were so into it that they didn’t notice my arrival, so I just stood there for a few seconds. I couldn’t deny the disappointment I felt when I didn’t see Emory, but it was brief because I knew where he lived from one of the conversations at Easter dinner. There were several more people there than the last time, and I felt guilty for just popping in unannounced.

My stomach started growling when my nose picked up the scent of delectable grilled meats in savory sauces. Gabe told me I was welcome anytime and I was there to collect. “Hey, everybody. Sorry I’m late,” I said, waving awkwardly. I was so fucking clueless how to behave properly in social gatherings. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at me. “Maybe I shouldn’t have dropped in on you guys,” I said, sounding as embarrassed and uncomfortable as I felt.

I looked around the crowd hoping to see a welcoming face. All I saw was curiosity from the guests who hadn’t met me on prior occasions and surprise from the ones who had. Then my gaze locked on a pair of particularly green eyes that looked irate that I had showed up. My first thought was,why the hell does Emory look so angry?Unfortunately, I blurted out my next thought. “What the hell did you do to your beautiful hair?” And what was with the designer beard he’d grown? No wonder I didn’t recognize him until his eyes met mine. I wanted the old Emory back. I needed—not wanted—to run my fingers through his hair, tangle my fists in it while he sucked my dick.

Emory narrowed his eyes, sat straighter in his chair, and lifted his chin proudly. “Josh cut it for me.” He ran his hand over the shorn locks and smiled smugly.Well, he’ll just have to grow it back out.

I pinned the hair stylist with my meanest look. How dare he? Was he getting back at me for flirting with Gabe?Don’t be ridiculous, dumbass.

Josh didn’t look one bit intimidated by me. “Hey, I do what my clients ask. Emory wanted the Bieber special, and that’s what he got,” he announced. I had no idea what the fuck a Bieber special was, but I didn’t like it.

“Not that it’s your business,” Emory said icily.

I made a beeline for Emory, ignoring his standoffish tone and demeanor. I sat in the vacant seat beside the man and kept staring at him until he couldn’t ignore me any longer. “What?”

“It makes your eyes look even bigger and greener,” I told him.

“I don’t have to sit here and listen to this,” Emory replied as if I’d just insulted him. He jumped to his feet and practically stomped across the yard in the direction of his house. Although I couldn’t say why I did it, I jumped up and followed him.

“What’s your problem?” I demanded to know. I had never done anything to him to deserve such blatant animosity from him. Sure, my question about his hair was rude, but then I followed it up with a nice compliment. Emory didn’t reply; he walked faster, and so did I.

He turned around when we reached the steps at his back door. “Leave me alone, Jonathon,” Emory whispered in a voice thickened by tears.

I wanted to walk away from him and just forget I had ever met him, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. “I don’t think I can, Emory.”

Iswallowed hard to dislodge the lump of panic that formed when I laid eyes on Jonathon. I hadn’t seen him in two months and had convinced myself that the magnetic pull I’d felt toward him was born out of loneliness, not reality. Damn it; I felt the air crackle around me when he walked into Josh’s yard. I didn’t even have to look to confirm he had arrived because I felt it. My dreams about him didn’t stop completely during his absence, but they were fewer and less intense. I expected them to stop completely over time, but then he showed up, and I knew they’d start all over again.

I worried that I would start craving the sound of his voice and the feel of his arms around me while he slid in and out of me. I couldn’t allow that to happen and needed to shut him down before I did something I knew I’d regret for the rest of my life.

“Well, try harder,” I said then turned to open the door. I expected Jon to back off, but he didn’t. I felt the heat of him as he stepped up behind me.

“If only it were that simple. Do you ever get the feeling that something is destined to happen, even if you don’t think it’s the best thing for you? That’s how I feel right now, Emory.”

“I can’t give you what you want.”

“How do you know that when I don’t even know what I want?”

I snorted then said, “Keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll believe it.” I remained standing with my back to Jonathon, hoping I would be stronger if I didn’t look into his eyes. “I want you to leave. That’s what’s best for me and if you care for me at all, even the tiniest amount, you’ll leave here and never look back.”

“I can’t do that, Em.” I closed my eyes but not before hot tears slid down my face. “I’m going to come inside, and we’re going to talk. I promise that I will not touch you.” He sounded like he was coaxing a wounded animal out of a corner, but damned if it didn’t work for me too.

Even though I knew it was a mistake, I nodded my head. Jon followed me into the kitchen. I watched him as he looked around the room. What did he see? What did my belongings say about me?

“How long have you lived here?” he asked me.