Page 21 of Someone to Call My Own
Fuck! I remembered that I had an appointment to have Josh color and trim my hair. I was slow to move even though I was relieved that it was only my new friend and not my future lover. I made my way to the rear door and parted my curtains so Josh could see that I was alive and there was no need for him to call 911. I had avoided looking in the mirrors so that I didn’t have to see my traitorous reflection. I worried that he would look satiated and happy when I felt dead inside. I must’ve looked horrible because Josh audibly gasped when our eyes met through the glass.
He’d been furious when he came over; I heard it in his voice and could tell by the way he pounded on my door. He took one look at me, and the starch faded immediately from him.
“Please let me in, Emory.”
I unbolted the door and opened it a crack. I had no intention of letting Josh inside. “Hey,” I said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t call and cancel my appointment.”
Josh plastered a stubborn look on his face and shoved past me. He was much stronger than I expected. He stood in the middle of my kitchen looking at me expectantly. What did he want? I already apologized to him. I felt frustration rising to the surface, and I was happy to embrace another emotion besides sorrow.
“Josh, now isn’t a good time.”
“Now’s the perfect time because I happen to have an empty salon chair for the next one hundred and eighty minutes. So,” Josh pulled out a chair and sat down at my kitchen table, “why don’t you tell me what’s going on. Every time I turned around, you were in my face, and today I had to force myself on you. That’s a big turn of events. I’m starting to get my feelings hurt that you didn’t like my cooking or something.”
“You know that’s not the case,” I said in a grim voice. “I just had a setback and needed time and space to deal with it.” I just wanted to be left alone so that I could sort things out. Hell, I hadn’t returned Memphis’s phone calls, and he was closer to me than any living person.Not for long.I fisted and unfisted my hands, unsure of what to do with them. I wanted to press them to my ears, but it wouldn’t do any good. The disturbing dialogue was internal. I glanced at Josh to see how he was taking my nervous breakdown, certain that he was ready to bolt from my house. He was too busy looking around my kitchen speculatively to notice my fidgeting and twitching.
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, which I thought was odd until I remembered he claimed to be a hellacious poker player. His impassive mask slipped the second he locked eyes on me again. “Talk to me, Emory. You can tell me anything; I promise you that I won’t gossip.”
I looked away from Josh’s earnest eyes and watched my finger draw the infinity symbol on the shiny wood surface of my kitchen table. River and I had planned to get matching infinity tattoos, but he died before we got them.So what’s stopping you from getting one now?That was the first thought I’d had in days that didn’t make me sick to my stomach.
“I’m not sure talking about it will help me, Josh, but I appreciate your willingness to listen,” I said after several quiet moments.
Josh covered my hand to stop the motion. “I have to be honest with you, Emory. It looks like not talking is killing you. Is this about a vision?”
I snorted and said, “You could say that.”
“It’s about Jonathon Silver, isn’t it?” I snapped my gaze up to Josh in surprise. “I saw the way you reacted to him when your hands touched. Is he in trouble?”
“I don’t know about that, Josh. It wasn’tthatkind of vision,” I somberly said.
Josh looked confused for a long moment then said, “Oh,” when he realized why my vision shook me.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I, um…weappeared to be very happy in the vision.” My tone of voice was so grave that you would’ve thought I just announced the end of the world was near. To be honest, that was exactly how I felt.
“You don’t want to be happy, Emory?”
“I don’t deserve to be happy, Josh, and that’s my problem. I just can’t. Not after what happened…” My words broke off before I could finish. Josh seemed to know what I almost said, but how could he? Josh couldn’t possibly begin to understand the depths of my despair unless he had experienced a similar type of loss. I prayed that he didn’t know how it felt because I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially not someone I was starting to think of as my friend.
“You don’t think River would want you to be happy?” Josh asked me.
“River wouldn’t want you to be lonely.” “River would want you to move on with your life and be happy.” “River would want you to rejoin your rightful place in the company.”Everyone was suddenly an expert on what my husband would and wouldn’t have wanted for me. Odd, when some of them didn’t bother to know him while he was alive. I’d heard every variation of what people thought River would want for me, but I couldn’t be sure. Besides, moving on and finding happiness isn’t something River could choose for me. My heart had to choose, but it had died with River. I mean, I still had a beating organ in my chest that pumped blood and oxygen throughout my body, but the part that knew how to love and accept love was gone.
“Josh, if not for me, he wouldn’t be dead. I don’t have the right to go out and be happy after what I did.”
I could tell Josh wanted to know what happened, but I also saw that he’d never ask me. Instead, he reached across the table and covered both my hands with his. “Whenever you want to talk, I promise to be here—well, unless your visions tell you differently,” he added wryly. “Until then, why don’t you tell me what you had planned to do with your hair today. I’ll get my stuff and do it here instead.”
“You don’t have to do that, Josh. I can reschedule.”
“Honey, your roots will be grown out hideously by the time you get in again. It was a miracle you got in when you did. My skills are in high demand,” Josh said confidently, but not arrogantly. “I’ve got the time and skill; you have the peace and quiet.”
My lips quirked up in the first hint of a smile in days. “Okay,” I finally said after a long pause. “Thank you.”
Josh rose to his feet and headed for the door but stopped suddenly. He turned and looked at me suspiciously.Did he think I would ignore him when he returned?Instead of leaving, Josh called Chaz and asked him to bring the things he needed to my house.
When the knock came on the back door, Josh was careful to block me from Chaz’s view. “Do you need me to reschedule your next appointment?” Chaz asked Josh in concern.
“No, I’ll be back in time. Thank you, though.” Josh faced me again once he shut the door. He smiled then asked, “Color and trim?”
I was ready to say yes automatically, but an irrational thought occurred to me. In all my visions, Jonathon Silver was fascinated by my long hair. He fisted it, ran his fingers through it, and pushed it back off my face. My life had seemed out of control, as if I was nothing more than a puppet on an invisible string, once I started having visions. I did everything they revealed to me because it at least felt right, but not Jonathon. That was too much. “I want a haircut, not a trim.” I felt an insane rush of power flow through me once the words left my mouth.