Page 22 of Someone to Call My Own

“Like a few inches or…”

“Short,” I replied. “I want something new.” It was such a drastic change; I could tell Josh was uncertain. “I’m positive,” I told him before he could voice his concern.

“I told you to quit reading my mind, Emory. It’s just fucking rude.” Josh’s prim tone was at odds with his crude language, and it made me laugh for the first time since… the last time he made me laugh. Maybe Josh was the reason I moved to Blissville.

“You search for hairstyles you like on your phone while I whip up magic potions in my bowls,” Josh said while he unpacked the bag Chaz brought him. “It’ll help me know where best to place your highlights.”

“I want something chunkier this time,” I told him while searching on my phone. “It doesn’t need to look natural. In fact, I want it to be more obvious.”

“Damn, you sound like one of the dramatic before and after advertisements,” Josh teased. “If that’s what you want, Emory, then that’s what I’m going to do.”

“It’s what I want,” I said with more conviction than the last time.

“Then that’s what you shall have, Emory.”

Josh wrapped a cape around my shoulders and got to work. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of his fingers through my hair, which was nothing like I felt with River or… When Josh touched my hair or scalp, it felt relaxing, not sensual. I relaxed for the first time in days as stress seemed to melt away beneath his talented touch.

A little over an hour later, Josh looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. “Damn, I’m good,” he said. “Let’s go find a mirror so you can see your new look.”

I stood up and went to the guest bathroom off the living room. I flipped on the light and couldn’t believe my reflection. A wide smile slowly spread across my face. “Holy fuck! I look so different with short hair.”

“Do you like it?” Josh asked.

Like was too tame of a word. “I love it, Josh. It’s just the change I needed too.” I ran my fingers through the long bangs that cut across my forehead. I’d picked an asymmetrical cut that made my bone structure look more prominent. My eyes looked bigger, and my mouth seemed wider with the new style. “There won’t be any hair for him to fist,” I muttered under my breath. My eyes widened when I realized what I spoke out loud. “Um…”

“You don’t have to say anything else,” Josh told me. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.” He left me alone in the small bathroom, and I stared at my reflection for a long time.

I returned to the kitchen and headed into the pantry. I walked back into the kitchen with the broom and dustpan in my hands. I hadn’t planned to talk to Josh about my sorrows. They just rolled off my tongue when I opened my mouth. “I saw something that I am not prepared for now, probably never if I’m honest. I just thought maybe this,” I gestured to my hair, “might change the course of things.”

Josh looked skeptical but didn’t reply.

I began sweeping my hair into piles. “River didn’t want to go out that night,” I said softly. “He wanted to stay in, order pizza, and watch his favorite movies. I insisted we go out on the town for his thirtieth birthday. If I had just listened to him…” My words broke off, and I began to cry.

“Emory.” Josh dropped what he’d had in his hands and hugged me tightly while my body shook with the force of my sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“He was my whole world, and I didn’t listen to him. I put myself first and lost everything that had any meaning to me. I don’t want to feel or love again. That part of me died with him in that icy water.” I ran my fingers through my bangs again and said, “River loved my long hair; I just can’t stand the thought of anyone touching it as he did.”

“I wish I could make this better for you, Emory.” Josh sounded tearful, and I hated that I upset him.

“Nothing and no one can help me,” I told him. Why couldn’t I just shut up and let Josh get on with his day? Why did I feel the need to pull everyone into my quagmire of misery? I groaned and covered my face with my hands.

“I hate to leave you here like this, Emory. I will cancel the rest of my appointments and…”

“No! Don’t do that for me. I promise you that I’m okay. The whole thing with Jonathon hit me hard and has left me reeling since. I feel better now, Josh. Thank you.” I wasn’t lying just to get him to leave either. The new haircut felt like a fresh start and would help me move forward.

I could tell that Josh didn’t want to go, but he didn’t argue. He threw his arms around me once more and hugged me. “I’m just a short walk or a phone call away,” Josh said. “Anytime you need a friend.”

“Thank you.” It amazed me that a person’s kindness could move me to tears as quickly as something hurtful. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

Josh gave me a small wave and walked out the back door. I dried my eyes and went into the living room to retrieve the notebook where I’d recorded my book ideas. I made a few notes while they were fresh on my mind then picked up my cell phone when I finished. I clicked on the camera icon and chose the selfie feature. I was happy to see that my eyes were no longer red and puffy. I snapped the picture before I could talk myself out of it and sent it to Memphis with a message that read:Guess what I did?

His response was swift.I will show up on your doorstep in Blisstucky if you ever ignore my motherfucking calls and texts for three days again. Do you hear me, Em? You scared me to death.

Knowing I upset him so much caused fresh tears to form in my eyes.I’m sorry, Memphis. I just had a really bad setback. I won’t do it again. I promise. Love you.

Love the new haircut. And the rest of you isn’t so bad either.

At least that part was right again in my world. I would be thankful for small favors.