Page 47 of So This is Christmas

JENNIE

Jennie was a bundle of nerves. The walk to the café hadn’t calmed her down and neither had arriving ten minutes early and having to sit there and wait. Every time the door opened she looked up expectantly, only to have her heart sink when it turned out to not be Gwendoline.

Yesterday had gone much better than she’d expected with Sophie.

After the way they’d all reacted, especially her, she hadn’t been sure that Sophie would want to talk to her at all.

But she had and it had turned out to be a nice evening.

They’d ordered pizza with the works – pepperoni, chicken, mushroom, two types of cheese – and enjoyed it alongside a bottle of red wine Sophie had insisted they bought at the off-licence on their way back.

Jennie had almost forgotten what was in her handbag, but when they’d finished their pizza, she took out the black box she’d put the necklace in for safekeeping. ‘I believe this is yours.’

Sophie had opened it up and put her fingers to the puzzle piece with the B engraved. ‘You brought it back.’

‘Of course. It wasn’t mine. I never should’ve suspected you of taking it from Bea. Why did you leave it behind when Bea was so special?’

‘I knew Greta had bought it; I thought it belonged with the Wynters.’

‘Well, it belongs with you now.’

Sophie had shown her the letter from Bea, a heartfelt goodbye from the woman who’d known Greta so well. And as Jennie read the letter Sophie had put the necklace on.

Jennie had pulled down the collar of her jumper to show her own necklace with the puzzle-piece pendant and the engraved G. ‘Greta would be happy that you have the other necklace. She once gave it to her very good friend… I’d like to think I’m giving it to mine?’

Sophie had faltered and for a minute Jennie had questioned what she’d said. Had she read the situation wrong? Could she and Sophie really build a friendship after everything that had happened?

But she needn’t have doubted herself because Sophie lunged at her and hugged her tightly.

When it was time for Jennie to leave, she had promised Sophie she’d let her know how things went with her mother in the morning.

‘Just remember, she came to find you,’ Sophie had said before she asked, ‘Will you tell her who I am? That I was?—’

‘In the other car? Not yet. I will eventually if we have contact after today, but for now I think we’ll have enough to deal with.’

Spending time with a girlfriend had made Jennie feel like a young woman all over again, despite being in her forties.

She’d missed out on that sort of closeness when she left home in her twenties and even though she’d had a stable life for a while, the bond she shared with Sophie because of what they’d both been through made their friendship stronger.

She even began to remember what it had been like to be the happy-go-lucky girl she’d been before the accident.

But she didn’t feel like that now. She was halfway through the cup of coffee she’d bought so it didn’t look like she was hogging a table and not making a purchase when the door to the café opened again. And this time it brought Gwendoline Clarke inside.

* * *

‘Would you like another?’ Gwendoline pointed to Jennie’s coffee cup but Jennie shook her head. ‘I’ll get one, I don’t want to be rude and not order anything.’

Jennie didn’t say a word. A lot of people were probably conscious of taking advantage in a café, but hearing her mother say it out loud when she’d only just been thinking the same thing made it feel as though they weren’t total strangers.

Her mother kept her back to the table as she ordered over at the counter and their eyes only met once she was back again with her coffee. Jennie didn’t miss her hand shaking as she set the cup down, a little black liquid slopping out of the top.

‘Thank you for meeting me.’ Gwendoline took her handbag from her shoulder and hooked the strap over the back of her chair. ‘I wasn’t sure you would after…’

‘After I didn’t take your calls.’

She nodded. ‘I went to the hotel, you know.’

Jennie didn’t admit she’d seen her and run.

‘I know, I got the card with your contact details.’ She’d seen a glimpse of her mother in Vienna, but she hadn’t really taken in her mother’s appearance then.

She seemed shorter, or maybe she seemed smaller, or maybe she was neither.

Perhaps Jennie was just older and felt more equal as a grown-up.

Gwendoline’s once-auburn hair had changed to a greyish white, her eyes were more sunken, her skin paler than Jennie remembered.

‘I didn’t stay in Vienna for long. I didn’t want to upset you. I was going to go over again in the half-term. I’m a teacher,’ she added to explain the need to travel outside of school term time.

‘A teacher?’

‘I know, who would’ve thought.’ Her brief elation soon faded. ‘It took me a while to get to where I am today.’

‘Me too.’

Gwendoline closed her eyes. ‘I’m making a mess of this.’

But Jennie knew she’d snapped. ‘This is hard for both of us.’

‘Why don’t I start trying to explain myself a little bit.’

‘If it helps.’ Jennie realised she was digging the nails of her opposite hand into her palm and instead clasped her hands together.

‘I felt broken after we lost Donovan and then your dad. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to everything you tried to do, but somehow I didn’t have the strength, I couldn’t bring myself out of the place I was in. But I know you did your best, for both of us.’

Jennie’s bottom lip wobbled but she dragged it in beneath the firm clamp of her upper teeth so she could keep herself together.

‘I got worse after you left because I knew I was the one who had driven you away. I called the police and reported you missing but you were an adult, you were of sound mind, and there wasn’t much they could do.

I went to London and spent days walking the streets.

I don’t know what I hoped to achieve in such a big city.

Needless to say, I didn’t find any trace of you.

I walked aimlessly for days and when I got home I fell apart.

’ Tearfully she admitted, ‘I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on. ’

‘You mean?—’

‘I’d lost everything. I had nothing. But I knew what I’d done to you and I thought if you ever came back you didn’t deserve to have even more to deal with.

I called the doctor. Some days I wonder how I’d actually triggered myself to do that, but I’m glad I did.

I was diagnosed with major depression. I was hospitalised for a while, but it was a start of the help I needed.

‘After hospital I spent a lot of time in counselling. My counsellor was one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.

I still have a session from time to time.

’ She looked right at Jennie rather than toying with the paper napkin she’d pulled from the container in the centre of the table. ‘I lost two children, not just one.’

Jennie’s emotions rose but she bit them back. She needed to hear this, all of it.

‘I joined a group for people who have lost children. It helped talking to other parents – not that I did that for a while – but when I did it really let me work through my feelings, my behaviours, the way I’d been with you after your brother died and then when we lost your dad.

It didn’t make me feel any better about how I treated you, Jennie.

Despite doctors, counsellors and people to talk to, I have never forgiven myself for the words I said to you that day. ’

‘You remember?’ Her voice shook.

‘I wish I could say I don’t. But I do. When I said those terrible words to you it was as if I needed to pin the blame on someone, as if it would help.’

‘I should never have driven Donovan to see his friends that day. You’d told me not to, I wasn’t confident enough.’

‘I wondered whether asking you not to have friends or Donovan in the car for a while only made you more anxious when it came to driving. You and Donovan were close. I expect he was quite persuasive.’

‘I still shouldn’t have done it.’

‘If that driver hadn’t been on the road, we probably would’ve thanked you and you would’ve got a confidence boost.’

It meant so much to hear her mother say that.

‘Jennie, I was so wrong, completely wrong for the things I said and the way I acted towards you. I knew the other driver was at fault, I knew deep down that you weren’t, but you see, the person I really blamed was myself.

And so I lashed out.’ She cleared her throat.

‘Donovan was my son and it was my job, mine, to keep him safe. I didn’t do that.

‘I couldn’t blame you for walking out and never coming back after you lost your brother and your dad.

I was ungrateful, repulsive and cruel. And I never should’ve accused you of having anything to do with your dad’s death, either.

I don’t know what made me say that but I have regretted it ever since. ’

Jennie’s chair made a loud noise when she pushed it back to escape. She went over to get a bottle of water and a couple of glasses. She needed to gather herself, to not fall apart.

She sat back down and poured both drinks, setting the bottle down between the two glasses. ‘How did you find me in Vienna? I thought after all these years you didn’t want to see me ever again.’