Page 14 of So This is Christmas
As they walked, they chatted. Her every word felt forced in a way it didn’t usually. Around every corner she thought she saw her mother, and her heart thudded with the impending doom of being honest with this man who deserved better. She had to tell him, she couldn’t keep putting it off.
Elliot answered another call, this time from his dad, and apologised yet again but it was easier to listen to him chat away than pretend to be more upbeat than she really was.
There was no hint of an Austrian accent for Jennie and not for Elliot either. He still had his Scottish burr but it had been somewhat diluted, given he’d worked all over the world.
‘I’m sorry about that,’ he said once he was finished with his call. ‘Dad is clearing out the shed – why he’s doing it in winter, I’ll never know – but every time he finds something he calls me, and I’m too scared not to take the call and then find he’s thrown something special away.’
‘You still have things at his house?’
‘Things from my teenage years. Not much, but we were a family of hoarders. I left home, went off to work full-time, and none of us thought to have a clear-out. Mum and Dad would like to downsize so I guess he’s doing this in preparation for putting the house up for sale.’
Once upon a time, she’d had a family like his, a family with happy memories, but as a distraction – because he was bound to again mention her meeting his family – she gestured to the big doughnuts on the stall at a smaller Christmas market she hadn’t known was there.
He pointed out the novelty cups. ‘Look, they’ve got their own design for hot beverages too.’
‘So many of our guests come back and show me the cups they’ve found,’ she said. She liked that he noticed the little things. ‘Some of them come back year after year to collect more.’
‘That’s what I call dedication.’
As they walked, Jennie wondered if her mother had been to any of the markets yet. Was she being a tourist as well as closing in on the daughter she’d despised and blamed for taking away her son and her husband?
When Jennie was little, the Clarke family had always loved Christmas.
Gwendoline had gone all out every year to get the house ready and make the most of the time as a family.
They’d always decorated the tree together, all four of them, and their mother had hosted a Christmas Eve gathering for a handful of their friends.
But none of that ever happened again after Donovan died and Jennie lost her dad.
‘Jennie…’ When Elliot said her name, she realised she must have zoned out.
‘Sorry, thinking about Christmas,’ she said with a smile.
‘It’s the most wonderful time of the year, isn’t it?’
She opened her mouth to say that there was something she really had to tell him.
Should she do it right now?
Or should she wait until they were sitting down? Perhaps it would be easier while they were eating a meal, easier for her to just get everything out in the open.
Then again, could she really tell him over an à la carte menu? Or should she do it without the possibility of interruptions, in a place where they definitely wouldn’t be overheard?
The urge disappeared once more as Elliot led the way down the small set of steps and in through a wooden door.
In the restaurant they ordered the set menu and as soon as the waiter left them to it, Jennie excused herself to use the bathroom.
Her nerves were wrangled, she didn’t know what to do with herself.
‘Are you all right?’ Elliot asked the moment she returned to the table and sat down again.
‘Yes, sorry. I had too many coffees at work this afternoon, then far too much water.’
He didn’t look convinced, but she was good at pretending everything was fine and soon the food began to arrive.
Unfortunately, rather than enjoying the meal, all she could think about was how she felt like an imposter.
She’d lived on the streets, she didn’t eat at places like this.
Some of the time she could ignore those facts, but tonight she couldn’t get away from the thoughts spinning in her head.
She felt detached from this world, Elliot’s world, like she had no right to inhabit it.
When the waiter brought over a bottle of champagne, she knew she couldn’t divulge the truth in this moment.
‘I’ve been bursting to share my news,’ he said.
‘You do look like you’ve got something to tell me.’ She loved watching him like this, so happy, and she couldn’t bear the thought of ruining that.
‘I got a promotion.’
She felt her insides flip with excitement. ‘The position you’ve been after for a year?’ He’d worked incredibly hard for this.
‘Yes.’
And now she couldn’t stay seated. She went around to his side of the table and wrapped him in a hug. ‘I knew you could do it. Congratulations.’
He kissed her on the lips and she went to take her seat, well aware they were drawing attention, not something she particularly liked. Maybe the other customers thought it was a proposal of sorts.
They toasted and talked more about his new position and she felt herself relax a little in his company. This was his moment and he deserved it.
The waiter brought over their main course, chicken with velouté sauce and some other additions which sounded equally delicious.
As they chatted and laughed, she wondered what Greta would make of her still not being honest with Elliot. Greta put a lot of value on the importance of honesty from the start and had always urged Jennie to do the same.
A foundation of lies was no way to go.
But Jennie was terrified of losing the only man she’d ever let herself fall in love with.