Page 31 of So This is Christmas

SOPHIE

Sixteen years ago, Sophie had been in a bad place. She was in her early twenties, a widow, a single mother, and some days it took a monumental effort just to get out of bed and function.

Work had been her saviour. She’d kept herself busy, she’d made friends and with childcare, she had a semblance of a social life. She was becoming a part of the real world again and she knew that was what Martin would’ve wanted for her.

Her mother had been surprisingly good to talk to after Martin died.

Despite the coldness Sophie often felt when she was growing up, her mother had warmed a little as Sophie began to navigate motherhood and when her whole world fell apart, her mother had helped her with Hayden, she’d helped her around the house, she’d kept the practical things in place in the same way she’d done when Sophie was little.

It hadn’t made up for what she’d lacked in her childhood but it was a bridge of sorts, a way to understand her.

One afternoon after she finished an early shift at work her colleague Caleb came into the staff room.

He was another person she could open up to.

He was a good friend, always gave good advice, and she’d cried on his shoulder more than once.

He let her talk, let her moan and usually he joked around after she’d offloaded and managed to make her smile.

‘A few of us are heading to the steakhouse for a late lunch,’ he’d said that day as he hooked his rucksack over one shoulder. ‘Want to join us?’

She’d checked her watch.

‘Don’t even think about making an excuse,’ he’d said. ‘I know Hayden is in childcare until five, you’ve plenty of time.’

She’d smiled. ‘All right then.’

The lunch was the most fun she’d had in ages.

She laughed with her colleagues, they enjoyed good food, they put the world to rights where they could.

The only uncomfortable moment was when Caleb tried to take her hand and pull her in as if they were a couple.

She’d laughed it off but she could tell he wasn’t happy at being rejected.

But to her, he was a friend and no more.

As they talked about ordering coffees to round off the meal Sophie got a call from the childcare centre to say that Hayden had taken a bit of a tumble and cut his arm.

She flew into a panic and it was only Caleb who managed to keep her calm. She fretted about not knowing a taxi number and he insisted he take her to Hayden.

‘I have to get to him,’ she kept saying after she got into his car, as she tried to yank on her seat belt and it locked up every time.

‘Let me.’ He leant across her and pulled the seat belt on. His face lingered near hers and he moved in to kiss her just once.

‘Caleb, no,’ she said, ‘Please, take me to my son.’

‘I’m sorry, I thought?—’

‘I have to get to him.’ Hayden wasn’t old enough to worry yet, to panic that his only surviving parent wasn’t going to turn up, but it was still at the back of her mind that there was only her left now.

‘I’m sure he’s fine,’ said Caleb as they drove. ‘They’d be rushing him to hospital if he weren’t.’

Sophie shook her head. ‘I need to be there.’

He reached across and put his hand on her knee but she pushed it away, probably a little bit more forcefully than was polite.

When she looked across at him his jaw was set.

‘Caleb, you’ve been really good to me.’

He took the next corner a bit too fast.

‘So all that cuddling up to me, crying on my shoulder, was nothing more than friendship?’ he threw at her.

Had she led him to believe it was more? She didn’t think so but he obviously thought differently about their relationship than she did.

‘I’m really sorry.’ And when they slowed at a pedestrian crossing she wished she’d never got into his car.

‘It’s only around the corner now, I’ll cut through behind the shops. You can let me out here.’

‘A minute ago you wanted me to hurry up, so that’s what I’m doing.’ And now he was speeding up and she didn’t have a chance to insist she got out.

They came to a set of lights and he went straight through, even though they’d just turned to red. He could and should have come to a stop.

It happened moments later. The accident that changed everything.

He’d gone through a give way sign without even looking and ploughed into another car. Bystanders came to help. She was crying, he was swearing. She remembered being helped out of the car, someone checking her over.

She was fine.

Caleb walked away without a scratch.

But Caleb’s reckless driving that day caused the death of a young man in the other car. A teenager called Donovan Clarke.

Sophie didn’t see Caleb after she left the scene of the accident.

He was charged. He spent time in prison but he’d tried to implicate her; he told the police about a caution she’d had for shoplifting that wasn’t even shoplifting given it had all been a big mistake.

He’d really shown his true colours and Sophie had hoped she’d never see him again.

She left the place they both worked at – she couldn’t bear anyone knowing the truth – she registered with an agency, she moved on and finally landed at the Tapestry Lodge, where she worked hard and had the privilege of meeting Bea.

One day back in the summer of this year, she’d nipped out from work on her lunch hour and gone to the local supermarket.

She was in her uniform and as she passed through the checkout she got the feeling that someone was watching her.

When she looked up it was Caleb. She left the supermarket as quickly as she could.

He followed her but she got into her car, locked the doors and left.

A week after that he showed up in the car park of the Tapestry Lodge.

She was outside Bea’s window, wiping off the bird poo that Amber had noticed – of course, she was never going to be the one to clean it – and he came marching up to her.

He told her she’d ruined his life, because of her he’d got a record and could never get a decent job again, because of her his life was still up shit creek.

A woman had pulled up in a dirty Land Rover and encouraged him to leave.

‘I’m his wife,’ she’d said to Sophie in a way that suggested she knew that Sophie had ruined this man and all of this would always be her fault.

Sophie had been shaking by the time she got inside and when she went to Bea’s room with a smile to ask whether she was ready to join everyone else for lunch, Bea told her that whilst her vision was poor, her hearing wasn’t and she’d heard everything.

Sophie had broken down, poured her heart out to the little old lady who she’d become so close to.

She told her much more about the days after losing Martin, the shoplifting and the police caution when she had genuinely forgotten to pay for a loaf of bread.

That was what happened when you were grieving – you weren’t always in your right mind.

She’d made the mistake of telling Caleb about it once, not realising he’d try to use it against her.

She told Bea about the day of the accident, wanting to get to Hayden when he was hurt.

She told her about the teenager, Donovan Clarke, who died because of Caleb’s recklessness.

She told Bea how she’d never let go of the guilt, how she’d seen Martin’s parents almost break when they lost their son, and couldn’t believe she’d played a part in doing that to someone else’s family.

What Sophie hadn’t realised that day was that Amber was standing outside Bea’s door and had heard everything. And ever since, she’d held Sophie’s secrets over her.