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FIFTY

HUDSON

I’ve played in half a do-or-die games over the course of my athletic career.

I’ve waited to see what NHL team I would sign with.

I’ve lined up against some of the best athletes in the world when I was kid in his first year in the league.

I’ve never been more nervous than I am right now.

I’m practically sweating on the couch. Lucy is next to me, and Madeline is on the other end. Gus is at my feet, and I think he can sense how anxious I am.

My knee is still bouncing like it was earlier. I keep wringing my hands together and flexing my fingers. At one point in the princess movie we’re watching, Madeline asked, again, if I was okay, and I’m sure the smile I plastered on my face made me look like a lunatic.

“I’m going to grab a hot chocolate for Lucy.” Madeline pauses the movie and stands. “Do you want anything?”

“I’m still full from the ice cream. Thanks, though,” I say, and when she disappears into the kitchen, I take a breath.

Lucy glances at me, grabbing my notebook off the coffee table. It’s the third one I’ve gone through, and I don’t plan to throw any of them away after I show off what I’ve learned. I like the notes we’ve written each other. I like her misspelled words. I like how she adds smiley faces to the end of a sentence that makes her particularly happy—usually when she’s talking about her mom or the dogs—and I like the drawings she’s added to the margins.

I like that we’ll be able to communicate on her terms even more.

Where’s Millie ? she writes, and I point to the kitchen.

Following your mom around and hoping for a marshmallow to fall on the floor , I scribble, grinning when she giggles. She said you have a surprise? I have a surprise for you. Do you want to go first?

You go first , she replies under my note, and I move the notebook out of the way.

“Everything okay in here?” Madeline leans against the wall and holds Lucy’s mug. I know she’s waiting for it to cool down, and I smile when she blows on the top of it. “Are you all planning to take over the world?”

“Maybe one day. I was telling Lucy about the surprise I have for y’all.”

“Oh, I’m so excited.” Madeline crosses her feet at the ankles and watches me. It makes me feel like I’m on a stage with a million people in the crowd. “What is it?”

I’m terrified I’m going to mess this up. I’m terrified I’m going to sign something incorrectly and miss half the words. I take another breath, and faintly, like it’s pulled from somewhere beyond earth, I hear my mom’s voice.

The echo of her laugh and how she held my hand in the kitchen when I told her about my terrible grade in French.

“ At least you tried ,” she said with a smile. “ Imagine how much less exciting your life would’ve been if you hadn’t . You might have failed the class, but you’re better off than the people who didn’t even show up. ”

At least I tried , I remind myself. At least I showed up for them . I’m always going to show up for them, and that’s enough to propel me forward.

I turn my body to face Lucy, and she watches me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Madeline frown. I hope I’ll be able to get her to smile again in a minute.

I think of Piper’s lessons and my teammates’ encouragement. I think of Madeline’s patience and Lucy’s excitement when I showed her the notebook, and I lift my hand in the air.

“ Hello, Lucy, ” I speak and sign. Her mouth pops open and she scoots closer to me, looking at my hands then up at me. Madeline gasps, but I don’t let myself get distracted. “ My name is Hudson . I have two dogs , Gus and Millie . My favorite food is a cheeseburger, and I play hockey .” I go slow and take my time to make sure each motion is deliberate. I keep eye contact with Lucy and use lots of expression on my face. “ I’ve been practicing my signing. I’ve loved having you and your mom here . And I hope you’ll stick around for a while . You are one of my favorite people in the world , Lucy girl , and I’m so excited we can talk to each other . I might not be very good at it, but I’m going to keep learning for you , okay? ”

Lucy’s bottom lip trembles. Hi, Hudson , she answers, and it’s not lost on me that she’s signing slower than she does when she talks with her mom. My name is Lucy. I’m so glad we’re friends. I love your doggies. And you. You make me happy. You make Mommy happy too. How old are you? I’m six.

“ Thirty-one ,” I say and sign back, and Madeline lets out a choked sob. I jerk my neck up to look at her, and she covers her mouth. She shakes her head and sniffs. “ I think I made your mom sad ,” I tell her.

Mommy. Are you sad? Lucy asks, and I’m so damn proud I can understand the words.

Madeline walks toward us. She sets the mug on the coffee table and kneels on the floor in front of Lucy. “ No , baby . I’m not sad . I’m so happy .” She turns to me, and I want to pull her into a hug. I want to kiss her head and hold her tight against my chest. I want to tell her she’s the best thing to ever happen to me, and I want to tell her I’m a little bit in love with her. “ Where did you learn to sign , Hudson? How? When? Why? ”

“ Piper .” I spell out her name, and I’m glad she told me to try speaking and signing at the same time. “ I’ve been practicing over the last few months . After practice . Online . Alone in my room . With a tutor from Gallaudet University twice a week . Anywhere I can find someone to talk to .”

“ You did this for Lucy ?” Madeline asks.

“ Yes . And you .”

“ Why ?”

“ Why not ?”

I don’t add the other things: how I really am falling in love with her and her daughter. How I might not be her father, but I’d walk to the ends of the earth for Lucy. How it’s the right thing to do, and even if she broke my heart, I’d be glad for my time with them.

“Her dad—” Madeline buries her face in her hands and sobs again. I hate hearing her cry, and I put a hand on her back. I rub a small circle over her shoulders, smiling when Lucy puts her arms around her mom’s neck. It’s amazing how she can sense emotion. “He didn’t want…”

“And I do. I’m going to practice every single day. I won’t stop until I know every word, every phrase, every handshape in existence. In English. In ASL. In whatever other language Lucy wants to learn.”

“I still don’t know why,” Madeline whispers, and she lifts her chin to meet my gaze.

“You know why. Don’t you?”

I love you , I think.

I love you, I love you, I love you .

Her nod is slow. She hugs Lucy and rocks her in her arms. “Yes,” she finally says. “I do, even if I’m afraid to think about it for too long because it scares me. This is… I don’t know what to say. I’m… I think I’m dreaming. I can’t believe you’re real. That you would do this for her. For me . I want to say thank you, but that doesn’t come close to how… how much you’ve changed our lives.”

“ I wanted Lucy to be included . I wanted to show her how much she means to me, and that just because we might be different in a few ways, it doesn’t make her any less special ,” I say and sign, and Madeline cries again.

Should I show him his surprise? Lucy asks, and I laugh.

“ You might need to , kid . Your mom has the waterworks going over here .”

“Shut up.” Madeline smacks my arm then helps Lucy stand. She looks at me straight on with big, beautiful eyes, and I feel the love radiating off of her. The love for her daughter. The love she has for me and the life we’ve built together, even if she’s not ready to say the words. There’s so much of it, and for the first time in years, I feel… complete. “ Show him the surprise, baby . I think he’s really going to like it now .”

Lucy giggles and pads to the center of the living room. The dogs lift their heads, watching her. She holds out her hand and waves it toward her. Gus and Millie jump to their feet and trot over. When they get close enough, she turns her palm upright toward the ceiling. She lifts it in front of them, and they sit on their bottoms and wag their tails.

“ You taught the dogs sign language? ” I ask, and she nods excitedly. “ That is so cool! ”

“ She’s been working very hard , and we’re still teaching them the sign for sit in ASL, ” Madeline tells me. “ Do you want to show him the next part, Lucy? ”

“ There’s more? I’m spoiled ,” I say, and Lucy shifts on her feet. She almost looks nervous. “ What is it? ”

“ She wants to give you a name sign ,” Madeline explains, and my heart rate kicks up. “ Do you know what that is? ”

This is the most important moment in my life. Bigger than the Stanley Cup win. Bigger than any contract I could ever sign, and I’m so excited, I’m going to be sick.

“ Kind of . Piper explained it to me .”

“ It’s a special part of the Deaf community. It’s how other identify you in lieu of having to fingerspell your name each time. ”

“I can’t wait to see, Lucy ,” I tell her, and she smiles.

H-U-D-S-O-N , she spells out, putting her left palm up. Her right pointer finger looks like an upside down hook, and she moves it back and forth a few times over her left hand. She follows it up with H-U-D-S-O-N again.

“ That’s the sign for hockey, which you did earlier. Name signs can be based off hobbies or what you looked like, so she thought it would fit for you ,” Madeline explains.

I mimic Lucy’s movements, committing it to memory. “ Thank you so much for the name sign . Do you have one? Does your mom?”

M-O-M-M-Y , Lucy spells, and then she crosses her fist over chest, almost mimicking a hugging motion. L-U-C-Y , she does next. After fingerspelling her name, she touches the tip of her finger to the corner of her lip, like she’s smiling. I’m Lucy!

“ Those are beautiful, Lucy, ” I tell her.

She giggles and sits with the dogs, petting them on their heads. I take her distractedness to check on Madeline. I give her arm a gentle tug, helping her to the couch beside me.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “It’s silly to be emotional over this.”

“Don’t you dare apologize.” I link our hands together and give her palm a squeeze. I’m on the verge of tears myself. I feel like someone crowned me king of the world, and no high could ever be this good. “It’s a big day.”

She wipes under her eyes with her thumb and lets out a soft laugh. “I don’t think you’ll ever know how much it means to us that you did that, Hudson. I could visit a hundred different worlds and I’d never find someone as wonderful and kind as you.”

“I was afraid it was too much,” I admit. “I know I’m… some guy y’all are living with. But I wanted to show you that there are people out there who are willing to show up for you girls. That you should never have to settle for someone who can’t do the bare minimum.”

“Nothing you do is too much, and you’re not some guy we’re living with. You’re my best friend in the entire world,” she whispers, and I drop a kiss to her forehead. “I think you’re everything to me.”

“You’re my best friend too, Maddie. And I was serious when I said I want y’all to stick around.”

Stay forever , I almost add. Here’s my broken heart . I think you’re the only one who can fix it .

She touches my cheek, and her smile rocks my world. “I don’t think we’re going anywhere anytime soon, Hudson.”