Page 97 of Room to Breathe

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“I will when I stop feeling bad.”

I smiled. “Well, maybe you can stop when I get another job. My parents are making me. Part of my punishment for getting expelled. I filled out a bunch of applications while I was grounded.”

“Why don’t you come back to the tutoring center? Lana would let you.”

“Not sure I have the GPA requirement to work there right now. Plus, I’m trying not to make my whole personality the fact that I’m smart. I want to try something different.” Part of the reason Icheated off of Beau in the first place was because I had never failed a test before and the thought of it led me to desperation. I needed to expand my view of myself. Realize I was more than just one thing. But I still needed to figure out what those other things were.

“Howareyour parents?” he asked. “I know things with your dad are a little better, but you said your mom has been intense the past couple of months.”

“I think we’re good. She was stressed. She was taking it out on the household. She actually apologized yesterday for her part in everything.” She’d come into my room and let me know that how she was acting wasn’t acceptable, no matter how anxious and worried she was.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.” I checked the price on the concealer that Ava loved and sighed, putting it back. I needed to scrap the makeup idea and go to the dollar store.

Beau retrieved both the lip gloss I had picked up earlier and the concealer. “You can pay me back.”

I wanted to tell himno, but another thing I needed to learn, in order to grow, was to accept help. “Okay.”

He wrapped me up from behind again. “Thank you.” He kissed my cheek. “You’re not getting Caroline’s stuff here, right?”

“No, the running store.”

Chapter 40

Now

“I’m nervous.” I was standingin the kitchen Monday morning before school, eating a protein bar and drinking a glass of orange juice. I was full of too much anxiety to sit down.

“Why?” Mom asked. She was loading some dishes from dinner last night into the dishwasher.

“Because what if they don’t pick me up? What if Beau can’t convince them?” Beau thought it would be a good idea to have this apology talk in our carpool. The carpool I hadn’t been a part of for months. The carpool that Beau had zero control over because Ava could just keep her foot on the gas and drive right by my house. But he thought it would be nostalgic. Put us all in the right frame of mind. I had agreed last night, but today I felt like it was the worst idea in the world.

“If he can’t convince them, then you drive yourself to school and attempt to have the talk after school or over desperate voice memos that you text to them.”

“Thanks, Mom, super-assuring and helpful.”

She laughed and dried her hands on a towel, then put her armaround my shoulder. “If the past couple of months have taught you anything, it’s that you’re strong. No matter what happens, you’ll survive.”

“I don’t want to be strong,” I said.

“I know,” she said in a sympathetic tone.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I took a breath of air, set my orange juice down, and took it out. It was a text from Beau that read:

Wait for us outside in fifteen.

I never waited for carpool outside.Why?

“What did he say?” Mom asked.

“He wants me to wait outside. He probably wants me to put on a sad face, and if that fails, throw myself in front of the car. Or maybe he’ll roll down the back window and I can jump in while they’re driving by.”

“So dramatic,” Mom said, returning to her task at the sink.