Page 51 of Room to Breathe

What was my question? I concentrated, like this was the most important thing I’d ever asked a piece of paper, like whatever it said was law. I should’ve asked something about my dad and his case, but I was too scared about what the answer might be. So instead I thought:Can Beau and I be friends again? Like before?

That was a scary question too, but the worst-case scenario had already happened.

“Ready?” he asked.

I nodded. “Red.”

“Red?” he asked. “I thought your favorite color was purple.”

“You remember my favorite color?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “Can’t undo memories.”

It felt like he could. Like he had. Like we had both forgotten how to be friends and were attempting to relearn everything. “Well, today I want red.”

“Okay. R-E-D.” He did the motion while spelling it out.

“Uh, three,” I said when he showed me my options.

Three was an odd number, so there was a new set of options when I looked this time. “Eight,” I picked, not remembering which number held which words I had written.

He opened the flap. “Absolutely not.”

I let out the breath I was holding.

“Good answer?”

I shook my head. “No, but I think I already knew that.”

“What did you ask?” he said.

“I can’t tell you. It’s private, remember?”

“Right.” He paused, like he wanted to renegotiate the terms. He must’ve decided he still wasn’t willing to tell me his question, because he said, “We have to play at least two more times so the effort of making this is worth it.” He handed it back to me.

“True,” I said. “We better hurry, though; we only have so much time in here.”

He smiled at my joke, and as I looked at him and that familiar smile and those soft, open eyes, a sadness washed over me. I tried to keep it down, keep it from spilling out, but it was getting harder.

“Okay,” he said. “I have my question.”

We went through the motions: he picked, I spelled or counted.And then I opened the flap. I stared at the wordYes!for a long time, then said, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s what it says?” he asked. “That really doesn’t answer my question.”

“No,I’msorry.”

“What? Why?”

“For cheating. I don’t think I ever told you sorry for that, but I was. I am.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. “Why did you do it?” he asked. “Was it everything with your dad? Or something else?”

“The stuff with my dad, mostly. My life changed drastically overnight and I couldn’t tell anyone. I was tired and scared…I’m still tired and scared.”

He chewed on his lip for a moment, his shoulders rising and falling several times. Then he opened his arms and leaned forward. I hesitated for several long seconds, but then I pushed myself into his arms. They wrapped around me and I sat there, with my cheek pressed to his chest, listening to his heart beating.

I wasn’t sure what this changed between us, if anything, but it felt good, at least for a moment, to not be in a standoff with Beau. It reminded me of what I could’ve had all these months instead of loneliness, if I had just handled everything differently. Ifhehad handled things differently.