Page 61 of Room to Breathe

I pushed my toes against the floor to move closer to him. His hand traveled down my back and then to my thigh, which he pulled over his. My hand went to his stomach, his chest, his hair. I wanted to feel as much of him as I could.

I knew there was so much we still needed to talk about, work out, resolve, but right now this felt so good, so right. It made me realize that kissing someone you were emotionally connected to was more intense, more in sync, more everything.

His tongue pushed past my lips and explored my mouth. I gripped his shirt in my hand, feelings overwhelming me. Something in me shifted back into place—my connection to Beau. A feeling I hadn’t felt in months. More hot tears poured down my face. He pulled away.

“Don’t stop,” I said. “There is no worrying.” I wasn’t ready to talk. He probably thought the tears meant I was sad. And there was definitely a bit of sadness there. But mainly I felt happy. For the first time in a long time. And I just wanted to be happy for now.

He must’ve felt the same because he pulled me close again and pressed his lips to mine.

Chapter 26

Then

I clutched the colorful bagwith tissue paper as I headed to the front door. Inside the bag was a candle I’d gotten for my birthday last year and hadn’t used yet and a pair of fuzzy socks, same story. I didn’t remember who’d given me either gift. I was pretty sure they were from my mom, but I pleaded with the universe that they weren’t from any of my friends. And if they were, that they wouldn’t remember. They were great gifts. I loved fuzzy socks and candles. I just hadn’t gotten around to opening them yet.

I’d driven my own car tonight. Unlike the Halloween party at Harper’s house, this one seemed to be smaller (judging by the number of cars out front) and taking place inside. It made sense. It was December now, and colder.

I knocked on the door. It was opened by a girl I didn’t recognize. Her hair was up in a bun on top of her head and she had bright red lipstick on. She seemed older, maybe college-age.

“Hello! Come in,” she said.

The music was loud and coming from the great room toward the back of the house.

“Thank you,” I said, and stepped inside. “I’m Indy, by the way.”

“Oh hi, I’m Lucy, Madison’s friend.”

I didn’t know who Madison was, so I just nodded.

“Everyone is back here,” she said over her shoulder as she walked away.

I shut and locked the door behind me and followed after her.

“Indy!” Harper yelled when I reached the party. “Welcome!”

“Happy birthday,” I said, holding out my gift.

“Thank you!” She took it and added it to a pile of other gifts on the kitchen table. Then she pulled me by the arm to the island. “Eat!”

“Oh, uh, okay, thank you.” I wasn’t even all that hungry.

She skipped away, rejoining a group on the couch, which consisted of Beau and some people I didn’t know, including the front door girl. Lucy?

Ava and Caroline weren’t here yet.

I loaded a paper plate with some finger food—veggies and ranch, mozzarella sticks, chips—then went to sit down. There wasn’t room on the wraparound couch, so I sat in a nearby velvety green armchair.

Beau gave me a small nod, but nobody else acknowledged me. I listened to their conversation and found out through context that Madison was Harper’s older sister, visiting from college for the birthday party. And Lucy was Madison’s friend. They both appeared to be drinking some sort of alcohol. The other people on the couch went to our school. I’d seen them around but didn’t know anyone’s name.

I crunched on a carrot stick and let my eyes wander the room. There was a built-in entertainment center with a large television on one wall. A bookcase took up the wall behind me. It was a lot of adult books and classics. There was also a section of children’s literature, authors like Roald Dahl and Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume. My eyes landed on an entire Agatha Christie section. This was probably why Harper liked mysteries so much.

I should’ve driven over with Ava and Caroline. Ava had offered to get me but I wanted some alone time in my own car before a night full of people. I told them I’d meet them here. I set my plate on my knees and pulled out my phone to see if they’d texted. They hadn’t.

Are you guys on your way? I’m all alone!I texted.

I thought it was the thread I’d started with just Ava and Caroline earlier, but I realized, too late, it was the group chat that included Beau. I watched him read the text and then we met eyes for a millisecond before Harper said something to him and he smiled. Maybe he thought my text was wrong, that I wasn’t here all alone. After all, it used to be Beau and I who were the closest in the group. I’d never felt alone when he was with me. But he wasn’t with me. And I felt more alone than ever.

I wasn’t sure how to fix things with Beau. I knew he’d put some distance between us because he was waiting for an apology, but I didn’t know how to say sorry when I couldn’t explain why I’d cheated. Before, I’d been so ready to tell him everything about what was going on at home, but after how he’d been acting toward me lately, how quick he was to basically cut me off, maybe I was wrong to think I could trust him with any sort of secret.