Page 83 of Room to Breathe

I’d just leave the cake on the porch.

Yes, I liked that option better. But if I was going to do that, I wanted to leave a note.

I had no idea what to say. What was my goal with this? I freed a notepad and pen from my glove box and stared at a blank piece of paper for entirely too long.

Beau,

Happy birthday. I didn’t forget.

I mi—

My pen stopped short when I heard car doors slamming. I looked up to see Ava’s car stopped in front of Beau’s house. Caroline, Ava, and Beau had all climbed out and were walking up to his front door. Around both Beau’s and Ava’s wrists was a balloon. They were all laughing about something, but I was too far away to hear them.

I cracked my window but could only make out the sound of laughter, not any words. They stopped on the front porch. I thoughtthey were going to go inside, but instead they all smashed together in a hug; then Caroline and Ava waved goodbye and walked back to the car with big smiles on their faces. I crouched down in the front seat as they made a U-turn and drove right by me.

The notepad still sat in my lap, and I stared at it after they were gone. They’d celebrated without me. Didn’t even pause for a second on the porch to mourn the loss of their missing friend. I tossed the notepad onto the floor mat of the passenger seat and started the car. The window in Beau’s room on the second floor lit up. For a fleeting moment I thought about taking the cake and throwing it at his window. Or smashing it into his car’s windshield.

I didn’t. That made me a slightly decent person, didn’t it?

I drove straight to the beach, where I found a bench at the edge of the parking lot and sat on it with my cake. The sun had already set, but I sat in the dark and watched the whitecapped waves crash in the distance. I ate several bites of cake with my fingers, then fed several more to a curious squirrel. A couple of seagulls joined our party and ate some cake as well. After one more bite, I threw the rest onto the ground and watched the frenzy. It was windy and my hair whipped across my face and into my eyes. I was glad for the wind; it let my brain think that was why my eyes were watering.

The porch light was off when I got home, but as I stepped inside, the television glowed in the otherwise dark room. My dad was sitting on the couch, his face tinged blue from the light on the screen. He looked over when I shut the door behind me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I responded, locking the door. My instinct was to run for the stairs, avoid anything more than our neutral greeting. My mom must’ve been in bed.

“Come sit down for a minute,” he said, pausing his show.

I didn’t want to sit down. I was tired of talking around his problems.

“I want to hear about you,” he said. When I didn’t move, he added, “Or we can just watch TV in silence.”

I set my purse on the floor by the door and joined him on the couch, my eyes zeroing in on the paused image on the screen. It looked like some sort of documentary.

“How was In Between this year?”

My head whipped over to his.

I’d made the cakes in the kitchen earlier, but neither he or Mom had been home. I cleaned up after myself, so I didn’t think that was why he knew. He just remembered.

“That’s today, right?” he asked. “What did you guys do?”

I took a sniffling breath in through my nose and the tears came unbidden.

“Indy?” he said, concern in his eyes. “Talk to me.”

I collapsed onto his lap, burying my head into the crook of my elbow. His hand went to my shoulder.

“They’re not my friends anymore,” I blubbered, not sure if any of my words were understandable.

“Oh, baby,” he said. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I cried harder, wondering if he had something to be sorry about, or if this was all his partner’s fault. I didn’t want to ask him again. I wanted to believe he was who I thought he was. Who he’d always been. My funny, thoughtful, loving dad.

Chapter 35

Now