Page 65 of Room to Breathe

Earlier, our kissing had gone from happy reunion, excited and intense, to soft and vulnerable. He played with my hair while his lips gently moved along mine, then across my jaw and down my neck. Slowly I became more and more relaxed, my eyes staying closed for longer and longer periods until he whispered, “Are you falling asleep on me?”

“No, I’m awake,” I said in a sleepy drawl.

“It’s okay, go to sleep,” he said. His finger traveled from my forehead down the bridge of my nose and to my lips.

I kissed his fingertip. “Just a tiny sleep.”

“We’re going to be okay,” he said as I drifted off. Or maybe I imagined that. Or dreamed it. It felt like a dream. A good one.

Then I had the familiar nightmare. The one where men dressedin black surrounded me, telling me they were going to take me away. Rip me apart from my family. I couldn’t run. My back was against the headboard and all my escape routes were blocked. They closed in on me and right before they grabbed me, I woke up.

My heart was beating a million miles a minute now. I wiped at my eyes, which I could feel were damp with sweat or tears. Probably both.

“You okay?” Beau asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“I feel your heart pounding,” he said. My chest was pressed against his side. I thought about pushing away, sitting up, but his arms around me felt nice. They seemed to be grounding me in the moment, helping me settle more quickly than I normally did.

“Nightmare,” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I took several more deep breaths. “Did you sleep at all?”

“I did.”

I wondered if he really did, and if so for how long. I wondered how long I’d slept before the nightmare.

“You know what the worst part about being in here is?” I asked.

“The hard floor? The germs? The lack of food?”

“No,” I said. “The fact that we have no idea what time it is. There’s something about not knowing if you have five more hours or two until there’s a minuscule chance someone might rescue you.”

“Rescue?” he asked, like that was the wrong word. “You need to be rescued?”

Right now, in his arms, it didn’t feel like I needed to be rescued. But there was so much more happening outside this bathroom. Things I needed to be a part of. I needed to show up. Support mydad. And even the things that were happening inside this bathroom would change once the sun came up. The light would shine brightly on all the hurt and unresolved issues from our past. I wasn’t sure a singular makeout session was enough to make those disappear. In fact I knew it wasn’t. But it was still dark, so I’d think about all that later.

“I need to tell you something I discovered after you fell asleep,” he said.

“Something bad?” I asked.

“Remember all that music we listened to earlier?”

“Yeah,” I said. The playlist I’d made for him. I hadn’t forgotten.

“I tried to listen to music again.”

“Okay?”

“And I couldn’t.”

“The app closed?” I asked.

“I’m guessing my phone died. Out there in my backpack.”

“Oh…right. No more music, I guess.”