Page 7

. . .

“Ugh. His face is always all over ESPN.” Riley scrunches her nose and glances at me, watching for my reaction.

I know she’s gauging to see if I’ll break down or not.

Like always, I manage to shrug it off and keep walking through the common area, secretly burying the hurt deep under a pile of denial.

“He’s a big deal. I think it's likely he’ll always be all over the sports world news.”

Her lips turn down and her hand lands on my arm. “Emmarys, are you sure you don’t want to reach out to him? Even for closure?”

“I think that's what happened on prom night,” I laugh and shrug my shoulders. “Riley, I promise I’m fine. It's been almost a year. I’m moving on. What we had was so long ago now. He got what he wanted that night and so did I.”

Riley is one of my best friends and even though she probably knows I’m full of it right now, she isn’t going to call me out on my bullshit.

None of my friends will because they think I’m so close to breaking again.

It didn’t take long for Carter to spill what he saw the morning after to his best friend, Reign, who shared it with their friend, Leif.

Sam also added her two cents about what happened the night of prom by telling Riley after I failed to return to her house, and instead spent the night in a hotel room.

Needless to say, my whole friend group is aware of what happened between me and the man on the most popular sports television show in the world.

Which happens a lot by the way. Hawke Sheppard is a household name for the University of Texas as their youngest starting quarterback with one National Championship under his belt and his team working their way toward another.

Naturally his handsome face is plastered everywhere constantly and he’s spoken about like a mythical unicorn.

Part of me is happy for Hawke. He’s heading toward the NFL draft, his dream of playing in the pros is within his reach.

The other part of me remembers the way he crushed my heart when he ran out of the hotel room after I gave him my v-card.

After he told me how sorry he was, that he loved me, and that he never wanted to leave me.

He left again and for some reason, it hurt more the second time around.

Logically, I know it had more to do with his grandpa and the strings his family is pulling to keep him in Texas and away from me. And of course my heart wants to believe that if he could have Hawke would have stayed with me. But there’s always doubt in my mind if he’s being truthful or not.

Even if Hawke couldn’t reach out, he had friends and family that maybe could have.

I had wanted to believe that after the night we had and the truths he shared meant this time would be different.

I gave him grace this time around, hoping he would find a way to contact me.

Unlike when he first left Crimson Bay and we broke up two years ago I tried contacting him to talk, hoping he would explain, thinking maybe it was something we could fix.

It had been crickets then. Now that he explained about his grandfather gunning for my family, I didn’t dare reach out, or let my friends do it, for fear it would all get pieced back to me.

Instead, I waited. I was patient. Just like last time, Hawke made no effort to show this time was different after the night we shared.

After arriving on campus six months ago, I finally blocked him on my phone.

I couldn’t handle the worrying. I couldn’t take checking my phone constantly looking for his name in the notifications.

It hurt to hear how well he was doing in football, and to see how happy he looked in interviews while my heart felt shattered all over again.

I had become a ghost of myself my senior year of high school after he dumped me.

I scared myself and my friends when they realized how badly broken I was.

I had vowed to go into college, having learned from that experience only to have Hawke show up and rattle my life again.

Hawke was my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything.

At one time I wanted to follow him and live out the dream he built for us.

But somewhere between sixteen-year-old me and eighteen-year-old me, I realized I couldn’t wait on someone else's dream. I had to make my own. Being on-campus at Michigan and living in the dorms, with the hockey season in full swing, I’ve never been happier.

It was an adjustment figuring out what I wanted for myself but now that I have, I’m happy I made the choices I did.

“I know you say that, Emmarys,” Riley sighs, “I just thought you guys were end game. I was rooting for him to figure it out. Guess his grandfather’s reach is too big.”

“I guess so. And honestly I wouldn’t wish that upon my friends or my family.

I hope that for Hawke, he’s able to cut ties with that horrible man.

Plus, we went over this the last time he was on the news: Hawke has friends and influence.

He could have sent something to anyone to communicate with me, if he himself absolutely could not do it.

If he wanted to, he would have, but he didn’t,” I remind her.

Riley huffs again, and I can see the disappointment all over her face.

Ever since her boyfriend stormed into her life, she’s become a hopeless romantic.

It’s days like this I miss having Sam with us.

I need her to be my reinforcement against our hearts-in-her-eyes bestie.

Next year , I remind myself as we keep walking to the indoor track.

Eight more months and the trio will be back together again, and facing off on the ice.

“Oh, he’s back.” Riley’s fingers clutch the sleeve on my t-shirt and I notice her eyes flick to the left. My cheeks tinge pink when I see who she's talking about.

“Don’t leave me,” I almost beg, but then I see the mischief in Riley’s eyes. “Riles.”

She turns the opposite way we just came from. “You know, I forgot my water bottle.”

My eyes narrow on her. “Your water bottle.”

“Mhmm. See you in a few,” she mumbles brightly, bouncing on her toes right as he walks up to us. “Hey Jax!” she says and waves while sprinting away.

A deep, masculine laugh pulls my attention back around and I prepare myself to stay calm.

He’s just a guy. Only he’s not just any guy, he’s Jax Kellen.

Michigan’s hot, popular, starting right wing for the men’s hockey team, and he’s been singling me out to talk multiple times over the past few weeks.

“Why does she always do that?” Jax asks with a hint of humor in his voice.

“That's her subtle way of leaving me alone because she thinks you just want to talk to me,” I answer and then turn brighter red, realizing I actually said that out loud. “Ah, I mean?—”

“Well, she isn’t wrong, Lawson.” He smirks and hunches down a little so we’re eye level. “You’re hard to get alone though.”

Oh kill me now . This is the last conversation I want to have with a man like him, one who’s probably never been turned down before.

Except I know Jax’s type. He’s had four girlfriends in the past six months we’ve been on campus and that’s just this year alone.

He’s a year older than me so who knows what his full history is.

Not that I blame the girls, he’s a walking, talking Calvin Klein model.

And while that works for others, it doesn’t work for me.

I’m not even sure if I want to get serious with someone, but I definitely know I can’t do just casual either.

I want love. I want the happy ever after.

I want to give my whole heart; I just can’t until it's put back together again. My brain chemistry was altered by Hawke, and until I can make myself not compare every other male to him, it wouldn’t be fair.

Even though Jax screams good times here , I want more than just a few fun dates.

“Well, it is dryland week which means no ice time, what with the break and all, so you know our coach keeps us locked up in the field house working on weights and conditioning,” I remind him, going for casual with a slight smile.

“Yeah, I heard your coach keeps you ladies pretty busy during your breaks.” He nods and flashes me his killer smile again.

Damn it, life would be so much easier if he were ugly or if he came across as a sleazy guy.

The saddest part is that Jax is a nice guy.

Has he dated and slept around, sure, but he’s up front about relationships and what he wants.

I’ve heard from girls that they don’t regret their time with him and he’s never rude with them.

Even Reign, who likes no one except his best friends, Carter and Leif, and Riley, doesn’t have anything bad to say about Jax.

Carter and Reign both play on the same line as the guy; they just have zero input at all.

“Okay.” I start to back up, not sure how much more of this conversation I should stay for before I make it more awkward. “Well, I’ll see you around then.”

Jax’s smile grows wider and he clicks his tongue. “Are you scared to talk to me, Lawson? I had you pegged as pretty fearless. I saw the way you attacked on the ice last week.”

“You saw me play?” My voice hitches and I’m not sure if I’m embarrassed or impressed. I can’t remember the last time someone watched me play and rooted for me. Not since Hawke and that was in high school.

“I did.” His eyes roam over my face and then the weirdest thing happens, it's almost like he deflates some, his usual confident smile drops. “Look, I like talking to you. I thought maybe we might have some things in common besides hockey, so I was wondering if you want to grab dinner this weekend.”

My brain zones out and I watch his lips moving, hearing the words, but I’m stuck in a state of shock nonetheless.

Jax just asked me out and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I should be excited, thrilled, maybe even a little shy or nervous.

He's a good looking guy, and an incredible athlete.

Plenty of girls would be dying for this opportunity, but all I feel is a twinge of disappointment.

My silence must tip him off because he laughs almost nervously.

“Or maybe just grab a coffee if dinner is too much. No pressure, Lawson.”

The way he says it makes me feel even worse.

Why can’t I accept a great guy's invitation? Why am I always looking over my shoulder, glancing at my phone and pining for the one guy I can’t have?

And why do I feel guilty about wanting to get a coffee with Jax?

Hawke left me. He chose this distance between us.

He broke what we had with lies. We had one night together; there were no promises made.

It's time I move on and let the past go for good. Closure.

“Coffee would be good,” I reply, my eyes darting anywhere but his gaze. I remind myself not to make things weird, and just be chill. Jax is smiling, clearly finding some amusement in my nervousness.

“Great.” He backs up and grips his water bottle in front of his chest. “I think my time’s up. Your friend is coming back.”

Sure enough, I spot Riley over my shoulder, and she slows when she sees us. Panic flashes on her face and I can’t help but laugh. “We better get going. So Saturday?”

“It’s a date.” He smirks at me, walking away before I get a chance to argue that it's not. Not yet. I need more time.

“What did he want?” Riley meets up with me and we continue walking to the indoor track and women’s weight room.

“Ah, he asked me to get coffee,” I respond, my cheeks turning pink.

Riley’s brow rises. “Coffee? That's it?”

“Well, he said dinner but then I think I freaked him out with my almost panic attack, so he downgraded it to a coffee date.”

Riley cackles next to me and wraps her arm around my shoulders. “Baby steps, Em. Don’t worry, we have plenty of time to integrate you into the dating world.”

“What do you know about it?” I elbow her lightly and we laugh. “You’ve been locked down; you have no idea what the dating world is like.”

“True.” My best friend grins, getting the dopey in-love look all over her face. “I guess I’ll live vicariously through you. But you know what, Carter and Leif might have good tips or ideas from a guy's point of view.”

My shoulders shrug. “I guess. Although I’m not sure their advice would really be helpful, considering they both tend to play the field and Carter tends to collect stalkers.”

Riley and I are grinning by the time we reach our indoor training session, and she gently squeezes my arm.

“No matter what, Emmarys, it's good just to put yourself out there. It’s Hawke’s loss.

Someday he’ll realize how much he fumbled his opportunity to have you.

I want you to be happy, Sam does too. Baby steps with Jax. Just do what makes you happy.”

I am as determined as my best friend is for me to let the past go.

It’s been enough time. I grieved, I got angry and I’ve accepted that my time with Hawke Sheppard is really over.

I don’t regret giving him my heart or all my firsts, but I am ready to move on.

I am ready to have the time of my life at college, playing the game I love and having new experiences.

Wherever Hawke is, I hope he’s found peace.

I hope he gets everything he wants in life and that his dreams come true.

I am ready to start making mine come true too.