Page 17

emma

. . .

“How are you holding up?” Riley leans toward me enough so I can hear her and I shrug.

“I’m fine.” I’m not, but it’s the same lie I’ve been telling myself and everyone around me all week.

Guilt has been gnawing at my insides, making it impossible to concentrate on anything else other than my dilemma.

I haven’t done what Hawke demanded of me, refusing to give him what he wants.

I decided to take my own advice and just come clean to Jax.

Tell him about my history with Hawke and confess that he kissed me.

Except that my boyfriend has been pretty absent this week, distant almost, and when we are together, he’s lost in thought.

I haven’t felt comfortable enough to approach him and talk about this seriously, which is how I find myself at the guy’s hockey house party tonight.

I’m claiming it's to just be supportive of Sam, who claims she needs us tonight, but it's also to avoid any situations where I’m alone and Hawke could corner me again.

Riley sighs next to me, biting the inside of her cheek.

Her eyes glance to the left and my line of sight follows hers.

Sam is leaning against the pool table, loosely holding a bottle of water while her gym partner casually talks to her.

That is the only other reason I’m out tonight instead of barricading myself in my room: to be supportive of Sam’s first date since he-who-should-not-be-named.

“Calm down, mama bear. They look like they’re having a casual conversation,” I joke with Riley and finally she cracks a smile.

“I know. He seems nice,” she agrees, and I can see the way she almost grimaces on the word nice. I snort.

“He’s not her type at all.”

She shakes her head hurriedly. “Not at all. But maybe that's a good thing he’s the opposite of Jameson.”

“Shhh. We don’t speak about he-who-must-not-be-named .” I narrow my gaze at her.

Riley’s head tilts back laughing. “Nerd. You can’t use that name, it's already taken.”

“It was Leif’s idea.” I shrug and glance at the hulking goalie standing close by with Riley’s boyfriend, Reign.

He glances between us girls before cocking his head to the side. “Do I want to know what I said?”

“She’s talking about Jameson,” I tell him and he scowls.

“Why are we mentioning that asshat? Looks like Sammie is doing just fine.” He nods over to our friend who this time happens to glance up while we’re all staring.

Her cheeks turn pink and she instantly gives us her back. Her arm slides behind her next and she gives us the middle finger.

“Busted.” I blow out a breath and the conversation around us drops. Reign and Leif go back to talking about their first away game of the season in a few weeks before Carter walks over and drops onto a bar stool near them. His eyes catch mine and he hovers closer like he wants to say something.

“Wha–”

“Hey baby,” Jax suddenly says from next to me, dropping a kiss on my cheek. My focus is still on Carter though who shifts his eyes from me to Jax before he leans away, turning to his friend instead, the moment gone.

“Hey,” I manage to choke out and turn to look at the guy I’m supposed to feel more for, right?

Before my encounter with Hawke, I was starting to get those butterflies with Jax.

I looked forward to seeing him, and I wanted to have nights like this together or on his couch watching movies.

I’m afraid I’ve ruined it. No, Hawke ruined it by showing up here.

I force a smile on my lips and pray that Jax can’t hear the way my heart is thundering in my chest.

“Everything okay?” he asks, and I nod my head, a blush creeping up my cheeks. Jax shifts and clears his throat. “I mean is everything okay with us? We’re good, right?”

My heart falls and so does the smile I’m holding. I need to tell him. It's right on the tip of my tongue to ask him to leave with me so we can talk this out and I can make my confession. Maybe he won’t hate me and maybe it's not too late to go back to how things were just a few days ago.

“Shit,” Jax whispers, only he isn’t looking at me anymore. His attention is focused over my shoulder, and his grip on my hand tenses.

My stomach drops and my heart beats painfully.

There’s a lot of commotion from the newcomers and everyone is moving around them, blocking the view, but I’ve already seen it.

Hawke is here, and he brought a girl with him.

Tears sting my eyes and I drop them to my lap.

Breath in, breathe out. My chest shudders with pain.

I have to see it again. This time my eyes jump up and collide with Hawke’s cool green gaze.

His mouth is pulled tight, and his head tilts to the side, watching me.

He makes a very obvious sweep of my body with that gaze and it sends tingles everywhere across my skin.

I can’t believe the audacity he has to look at me that way when there is a very leggy, raven-haired beauty attached to his arm.

She looks slightly out of place here, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen her before.

Before I can think about it more, they’re walking over this way.

“Listen, Emms, I need to talk to you about something.” Jax takes my hands in his, and I swing my focus back to him. “Please, baby, whatever happens just know there’s more to the story.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask him, confused by the way he’s suddenly pale, and his eyes are moving over my face frantically.

“I—”

“Kellan,” Hawke’s gritty voice snags our attention. Jax swears under his breath and bites his bottom lip before turning away from me and facing my ex.

“Not here, Sheppard. She doesn’t deserve this.” Jax glares at Hawke, but even the heat in that look is nothing compared to the level of death stare that Hawke has aimed at Jax.

My eyes move between the two of them while they face off.

I can feel my group of friends behind me, moving closer, for support or to intervene, I’m not quite sure.

I notice that Riggs, Hawke’s best friend, is also present and moves to stand back near my friends too.

Everyone’s attention is focused on us. While the guys are distracted, I have the opportunity to observe the girl with Hawke.

She’s taller than me, model thin, while I have more of an athletic stature, and I’m woman enough to admit that her tits look amazing.

My own suddenly feel small in comparison.

She’s beautiful, her long black hair is shiny and smooth where mine is thick and mostly untamed tonight.

Her makeup is on point and looks like it was applied without needing a TikTok tutorial.

After practice, I barely had time to shower let alone throw on some mascara and a little lip gloss in order to make it to the party tonight.

Is this the type of girl that Hawke actually likes? Our differences couldn’t be more apparent. Anger coils in my chest just thinking about him standing in front of me a few days ago, saying he loved me, and demanding I end things with Jax.

“What are you doing, Hawke? Is this a game to you?” The questions tumble free from my lips and I see him visibly flinch at the hurt in my tone.

Our eyes meet again, his turning hard, cool while his jaw clenches, before he moves his attention back to my boyfriend. “I warned you, Jax. Are you going to tell or should I? Bella?” He turns to the girl who’s now blushing, trying to avoid everyone’s attention and glancing between Hawke and Jax.

“What is he talking about?” I turn to my boyfriend who still won’t look at me. He doesn’t even glance away from Hawke, his body is coiled and there’s a visible flush creeping up his neck.

“Jax,” I say his name again and this time his head snaps in my direction.

I’ve never seen Jax look so unsure and almost scared. He shakes his head and grabs for my hand. His desperation makes my stomach twist and the pieces of what I’m observing around me start to click into place.

“Please, Emma. Let me explain?—”

“He cheated on you, sugar. That's what he wants to try and explain,” Hawke announces for him. I can hear the gasping sounds from Riley and Sam while I’m pretty sure one of the guys behind us swears.

I bring my focus back to the girl, Bella, at his side.

Hawke distances himself from her, sliding his hands inside his jeans pockets.

“It wasn’t like that–” Jax jumps in and tries to turn my body toward him.

“Is it true?” I glare at him while tears fill my eyes and his face becomes blurry.

“It was before we got together,” he tries again, “we kissed.”

“Spring break,” the girl answers while chewing on her lip, nervously. I glance at her and can’t understand if she’s trying to help him or not.

“Spring break when you went with the guys to Miami?” The words feel hollow as I ask them, and if he says yes, then we’re going to be done. We might not have been labeling our relationship then, we even had a fight about it before he left, but we were together.

Jax’s eyes swing back and forth between mine and I can see his mind searching for the right answer, the best way to talk himself out of this, and right when he comes to the same realization that I did just a few seconds ago. His shoulders drop and his chin dips down.

“Yes, but–”

I shove past him, making my way through the house to the front doors. I need air. At any moment I’m going to lose it, the tears will fall and I do not want that level of humiliation witnessed by our teammates, our friends, or Hawke.

“Emmarys!”

I hear Hawke call after me and hear his footsteps pounding the ground. It kills me that he’s responsible for this mess tonight and also for the reason I feel relieved through the guilt. My stomach twists when I hear Jax as well shouting after me.