Page 22

emma

. . .

My blades cut the ice sharply, the momentum carrying my body while I fight my way up the ice toward the net.

I’m playing like my life depends on it, pushing myself until my legs burn and the air in my lungs feels thick like I’m choking on it.

Really, I’m doing anything it takes not to have to feel or think about the conversation I had with Hawke last night.

It figures after years apart that the man would work his way back into my life and upend it once more.

Before yesterday I had a plan of action.

My talk with Sam and Riley gave me perspective and I knew what I had to do.

Talk to Jax.

Break up with Jax gently and ask to still be friends.

Apologize to Isla about the stalker comments.

Set the record straight with Hawke and let him know I wasn’t in a space to start dating right now.

All of that was blown to bits before I even made it to my first class yesterday.

Hawke showing up with my go-to breakfast and drink simultaneously had butterflies swooping in my stomach followed by a wave of guilt.

People noticed. I gained even more attention when my lunch showed up and my afternoon coffee between classes was also brought to me.

The whispers started right away. Isn’t she dating Jax?

Did you hear what happened at the party? He cheated on her, so she kissed Hawke.

At least this is college though, not high school, so most of the gossip also included girls high-fiving me for locking lips with Hawke Sheppard.

If only they knew I had helped him perfect his kissing skills back when he was seventeen.

The downside of this being college is that there are mature adults and even though I was applauded, there was also the lingering… Isn’t she moving on too fast?

It felt like there was no right thing to do in the situation and I wanted to scream by the end of the day.

My plan had been to go home right after practice until I saw Hawke there, waiting for me again.

I barely hesitated before caving and letting him drive me home.

Then I cried and broke down in his truck.

Even thinking about it today makes me embarrassed, but also crazily turned on from when he told me he was never going to leave me alone.

Those words shouldn’t make me happy, but they do.

The broken girl I was when he left craves those words.

Unfortunately for her, I’m not so quick to buy it this time.

No matter how gooey and soft his piercing green eyes make me feel, I need to think things through and remind myself of the promises I made when he walked away.

By the time practice is over, my legs are burning and my feet are turning numb. I can barely shuffle from the showers to my locker without Riley or Sam looking at me worriedly.

“I’m fine.” I wave them off and they finally leave. I’m third to the last in the locker room now, and once I’m dressed, I give myself a mental pep talk before approaching the one person I’ve been the most nervous to talk to.

“Hey, Isla.” I wave my hand, and she freezes for a moment, glancing around the room quietly, her clear blue eyes observing everything.

“I’m guessing you have questions about the pictures?”

My shoulders deflate. “I mean, I do, but that's not why I was hoping to talk to you.”

She hesitates. “Okay. Here?”

I glance around, taking in how creepy this might actually be. “Ah, yeah this is weird. Want to grab a smoothie?”

She smiles, it’s soft, and I’ve never noticed before how nice and pretty she is. I feel even worse for what was said about her in high school and how much I’ve avoided her, even in college. She didn’t deserve it then and she doesn’t now.

Isla and I walk to the little coffee shop that caters to students and athletes who are up late studying.

She comments about the weather and I hate that she's my teammate and I know barely enough about her to make her feel comfortable. We order at the counter and right as we sit, I feel my phone vibrate. My eyes glance down and my heart stills. Jax’s name flashes on the screen.

“If you have to go, I understand,” Isla says, and I can tell she means it just by looking at her.

“No, he can wait. He’s ghosted me for days now. I should be the one mad, but he needs time,” I answer, rolling my eyes. She laughs lightly.

“Look, I’m sorry this is sudden and if it's weird, I apologize,” I tell her, sitting up in my chair, my smoothie tucked between my hands. “Thank you though.”

“You’re thanking me for sending the evidence that ruined your relationship?” Her brow rises and she takes a small sip of her hot chocolate. We both laugh.

“There wouldn’t have been a relationship if I had known this,” I tell her, shaking my head. “Jax knew it, that's why he kept it a secret.”

She nods, biting her lip. “I didn’t know I had captured it. At the time, Jax wasn’t my focus and you weren’t dating officially, so I didn’t even think about using it.”

“Using it? Carter, you mean?” My voice drops low, and I try to speak gently. “I’m not judging, Isla, please don’t think that's why I’m asking.”

Her head drops down, her long dark hair cascading around her like a curtain. “I know what he thinks about me. I’ve known for years. I’m not doing what I’m doing to hurt him, I swear. I–I just do it to make sure he doesn’t get hurt.”

“Then what about me? This? With the picture and giving it to Hawke.” My voice trails off as I try to understand where she’s coming from. Once again, I feel like I misjudged her, labeling her as creepy, instead of learning about where her care and focus on Carter comes from.

“You’re his friend. I didn’t want you to get hurt.

That might affect him too. Plus, I’m good friends with Riggs’s cousin who happens to be friends with Hawke’s brother, Falcon.

It’s weird, I know, but we were in middle school together before I moved to Crimson Bay,” she answers, her fingers fidgeting with her cup.

“I didn’t know that,” I respond, honestly. “Yikes, it's never easy to move right before high school.”

Her shoulders shrug and I realize for the first time how petite she is. Her speed on the ice rivals with Riley’s, and my bestie can fly. Isla plays defense and I can’t believe I never once sat and talked with her.

“I liked All Saints,” she says, then frowns, “well, most of the time.”

We both laugh and the mood lightens. I spend the next half an hour telling Isla about the outcome and much like my best friends, she’s supportive of my choices.

In return I make a mental promise to myself to invite Isla out more.

The girl is funny, she’s intuitive, and she guards the people she cares about fiercely.

Carter is an idiot and I hope he pulls his head out of his ass someday.

“I liked this,” I tell her, gesturing to our drinks and the space.

“Me too. I’m sorry again that you were blindsided, Emma.” She touches my hand gently then pulls back. “But I am happy it seems to be all working out.”

“It will,” I reassure her. “You owe me though. Next girls’ night, Isla, you are not getting out of going out with us.”

She blushes and nods her head. “I’d like that.”

“Me too.” We stand and I pull her in for a hug that she was not expecting and I swear I like her even more for it. Sam is going to have a field day with this girl.

We leave the shop and I take a deep breath before opening my text messages.

JAX: I’m sorry for the radio silence. I just needed time to think. Can we meet up? I really want to talk.

ME: How about now?

The little dots appear and disappear quickly.

I know I put him on the spot; he probably was thinking he had a day or two to be prepared.

Too bad for him, I can’t wait anymore. I want to go to bed tonight without these loose ends hanging over me.

Without feeling like I’m in limbo and feeling the sole brunt of the effects from his drama.

I get that Jax needed time, but he never once considered how this was affecting me too.

JAX: At our spot?

ME: Be there in ten.

I slide my phone in my pocket and walk quickly.

Our spot isn’t even really ours; it's where Jax congregates with his teammates and where we sometimes sit when we study or kill time before class.

It's the bench near the very large pine tree on campus.

Funny how I never noticed this before or thought about it this way, but it feels less personal to us now.

I arrive before him, taking a seat, and my phone vibrates again.

My chilled fingers take my phone out, expecting it to be a reply from Jax, only this time it's Hawke’s name on the screen.

HAWKE: Tomorrow night?

I’m about to reply when I hear footsteps getting closer.

My head lifts and my gaze clashes with Jax.

I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t the twisted, haunted look that is currently on Jax’s face.

He looks pale and his usual glint in his dark eyes is gone.

I stand when he’s in front of me, suddenly feeling unsure about myself, hating that our usual comfort is gone.

What I do not expect is when his arms wrap around me, pulling my body into his, I can feel his chest shudder at the contact and tears spring to my eyes.

I may not have been in love with Jax, but I did appreciate his warmth, our banter, how steady he was.

Maybe our mistake was letting things become romantic between us when we would have been better off as friends.

Instead of trying to hold onto the notion of being a couple before he left Miami, it should have been the wakeup call for both of us that we weren’t meant to be more.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against the skin on my neck and I squeeze him tighter.

“I’m sorry too.”

Jax pulls back and runs his thumbs under my eyes, taking my tears away. His usual smiling lips are tight. “I shouldn’t have left, Emma,” he breathes, his voice a mixture of desperation and hurt. “I should have talked to you then and not let so much time go by.”

“So why did you?” I ask, taking a step back out of his embrace. My eyes watch his throat bob up and down with emotion. Jax rarely let me see him as anything else other than controlled, fun, a guy just hanging out living the college experience.

“I knew I was wrong. I knew you wouldn’t forgive me.”

Well, he isn’t completely wrong in that assumption. “Jax?—”

“Please just wait. Wait. I’m sorry. I miss you. I know I was wrong back then and now after the party. I’m willing to do anything to get you back, just wait, before you choose him,” he begs, the intensity in his gaze making my stomach twist.

I bite down on my lip, my hand resting on his arm lightly, “Jax, I didn’t?—”

“Emma, wait. I know I fucked up in the beginning. I was hurt that you didn’t want to label our relationship yet and I was mad so I acted out.

That night meant nothing to me and once I realized what I did, I left the hotel and tried to come back sooner.

I was going to tell you, but then you decided to try with me and I couldn’t because I just wanted you.

I’ve never done anything like that since then.

It was a mistake. My ego got the best of me, and I made a mistake. ”

“Jax.” I shake my head, trying to find the right words to say, feeling the pain of his confession and even some understanding.

“I was a mess when you left too. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just commit to a relationship between us and when you came back, I forced myself to jump out of my comfort zone.

You have to know though, that if you had told me, there’s no guarantee we would have stayed together.

You broke my trust, what little foundation we had, all because I was scared. ”

“You’re scared because of him, right? No one else will ever be good enough?” Jax’s voice rises, his tone laced with accusation.

“That's not fair,” I reply, flicking away the tears under my eyes. “Yes, my heart was broken because of Hawke, I won’t deny it. But you never gave me the safe space to work through it or show me that it was okay to be broken. You wanted me, right then, as your girlfriend without even knowing my past.”

“I’ll be better this time,” he tries again, his hands reaching for mine. “I can be the person you need this time. We can go slow; we can build back what I broke. You just can’t see him anymore.”

Bitterness twists in my heart at his words, and I drop his hands. “What?”

“You kissed him, Emms. Or he kissed you. Whatever the fuck happened. But if we get back together, I don’t want him around you.” Jax leans down toward me.

I stare at him, my lips pressed together, my brain attempting to morph the two different sides of Jax together, trying to find the best way to let him down after this when all I want to do is kick him in the shin.

“I was wrong to let Hawke kiss me and to kiss him back. I take full responsibility for that. I’m sorry I hurt you and that all this drama happened at the party.

” I take a deep breath in, my words coming out way stronger than I feel right now.

“Jax, we have both been in the wrong and in the past few days I’ve had time to think about it all.

I want to break up. I’m hoping we can walk away from this like adults and maybe someday we can be cordial with each other again. ”

He scoffs and rocks back on his heels. Jax’s hands run through his short hair. “Just like that, huh?”

“Even if Hawke wasn’t here, you still cheated. You lied. You broke my trust and you kept it from me, letting me think you were the perfect boyfriend.”

“But Sheppard is here. This was all his doing. And he kissed you in front of me,” Jax accuses, shaking his head. “Okay, fine, Em. We’re broken up. Happy? I hope things work out between you two.”

I open my mouth to try to smooth things over, but he’s already walking away.

I watch as Jax disappears into the evening, never once looking back.

There’s a small twinge in my chest and my hands rubs it absently.

This is for the best. Not just because of the storm Hawke has brewing but also because, deep down, I know I can’t give Jax what he really wants.

I’m thankful for him, for being my distraction, the reason I tried to move on, the sunshine when I was sad over Hawke.

This ending with Jax is necessary. I just wish I hadn’t hurt him too.