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Chapter Thirty-Nine

RAIN

I t was the middle of second period before I got back upstairs to check on Aspen and Keir.

The rest of the court came with us, but Keir and Aspen were acting off.

They kept trading looks. Worried ones! Sadly, we were all told to head back to class for third period, which meant I didn't really get to ask.

But in my combat classes, I tried to get Keir to say something. He told me he'd tell me tomorrow, but I had to be patient. Ok, that sounded like some sort of surprise, so I tried not to think about it - as if that would work.

That night, just when I was almost asleep, Aspen snuggled up against my back. "Rain? Are you still awake?"

"Barely," I admitted.

On his perch, Jack grumbled about the noise.

But Aspen merely whispered something in Faeril, making the Moon Shine light up softly. It was enough to make me roll over to face her. There was worry in her eyes.

"What's wrong?" I immediately asked.

And she squished up her face in the most guilty way I could imagine. "I did something, and I don't want to hide it from you."

Immediately, my guts clenched. "When?"

"When you were helping Ms. Rhodes this morning."

I searched her face, hoping for some sort of a hint. "How bad?"

So she clenched her eyes closed and blurted out, "I kissed your boyfriend and it was horrible!"

For a little too long, all I could do was stare at her. Aspen? Had kissed Keir? A guy ? Nope, that did not compute, no matter how hard I tried. But after a moment, I realized she was serious. My lesbian girlfriend had just kissed my very male boyfriend.

I couldn't have stopped the giggle if I'd tried. "You did what?" I tittered.

"Stop!" she begged. "I was trying to talk about it. Being up front and everything. Torian thought it would be the right way to handle this."

I managed to stop the giggles, but not the smile. Struggling a bit to hold it in, I just nodded. "Ok? Why did you kiss Keir?"

"You said I should!"

And that made all my amusement vanish. "What? No! Aspen, that's not what I was trying to do. I just didn't know if you knew, because I hadn't."

"But Rain," she whimpered, "there's this thing in my head.

And he said something about you'd know when you want to touch them, and sometimes I do, so I wanted to check if it was me.

I mean, you had a good point about Torian being in my head, and the more I thought about it, the less sure I was, then we were up here alone, and that made it less weird. "

"And?" I asked, trying to imagine how I'd feel about the answer.

Because if she liked kissing him, was I ok with that?

Personally, I hated the way guys always thought they could get girls to make out for them.

It pissed me off, but mostly because they never cared about whether or not the girls wanted to .

It was more like they felt they deserved it, and that was just shitty all the way around.

But what if she hated it? Would that mean she didn't want him around?

Never mind the fact that I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend!

They'd told me over and over that it was ok, and just when they'd convinced me I didn't have anything to worry about, she did this?

My mind immediately jumped to feeling guilty.

I was cheating on her in a way. Well, that was what anyone else would've called it.

The fae said it was ok - natural even. They had all these ways of desiring people, and accepted that one person couldn't be all things.

That was how they'd explained it to me, but Aspen didn't exactly have other options. There was just me.

I'd been confused about that initially. Plenty of girls here dated other girls.

She'd made it sound like she was the only lesbian in the world, and when Harper had been bullying her, I'd figured that had something to do with it.

Now, I realized it was more about her being not only a Winter fae, but the actual queen of that season.

Most Summer fae hated Winter for some reason, and those who didn't would likely want to use their relationship against her at their first convenience.

Which meant I really was her only option.

That sucked in a different way! Did she like me just because someone was better than no one?

Was I the scraps she had to deal with in order to have a girlfriend at all?

No, I knew better than that, and yet my stupid insecurities reared up and spiraled out of control in the few seconds it took her to reply.

"Blech," she said, making a face that included sticking out her tongue. "Boys are gross."

"And?" I begged this time. "Aspen, what does that mean?"

She pulled back to see me better. "It means I don't like him. I think it's Torian who does. I kinda told Keir to do something about that, since I don't think Tor will make the first move."

"And me?" I breathed.

"What?" She quickly shifted closer. "Rain?"

"Does this mean you still like me?"

Immediately, she wrapped one arm around me, shoving the other between us to get as close as possible. "Yes, Rain. I love you."

"Because it's me or nothing?"

"No, no, no!" she hurried to assure me. "No, I didn't mean it like that.

I just thought it'd be ok for me to try with him.

Rain, I thought you were beautiful the moment I saw you.

I just... I mean..." Her words trailed off as she looked at me again.

"Were you worried that me kissing him meant I was leaving you? "

"And maybe I had a whole freakout in those two-point-five seconds there," I admitted. "I mean, I did say I wasn't good at this."

"Oh, no!" she assured me. "No, Rain. I didn't kiss Keir because I wanted anything with him, or because I wanted to trade you out or anything like that.

I did it because I actually like your boyfriend - as a friend.

He's a good guy, and I dunno. Something about today made me realize he's in it for the long haul.

We'd talked about all of this the other day, so the moment we were alone - because I'd be too embarrassed to kiss him in front of you, especially for my first time - I thought I'd ask. Just ask!"

"But you ended up kissing him?" I wasn't quite sure I was keeping up.

She nodded quickly. "Because he offered. But it was so weird!"

"Weird how?"

"Like, all those 'big' and 'strong' and 'like steel' things you say about guys? How they are forceful and stuff? Well, you're not wrong, but it's not right. I mean, as gross as this sounds, it was like I'd imagine kissing Torian would be."

"That bad?"

She nodded. "Like going through the motions, but yucky.

He's like... See, I like Keir. I like lying on him because he's big, and because he doesn't take it wrong.

I like when Tor hugs me, or drapes an arm on me, and Keir does that too.

So much of the stuff I like is more brotherly than sexy, and yet when Keir does it to you, it's different. "

"So, definitely not into guys then?" I asked, just to be sure - and trying to get this away from my own moment of freaking out.

She moved her hands to hold both of mine.

"Rain, while I don't really hate the idea of being sexy around Keir, I don't want to be sexy with him.

I mean, like when I changed the other day?

I didn't even think about it. He's one of us, and I was gross.

But see, in my head, there's this longing wrapped up with thinking about him. "

"When you think about him?"

She shrugged. "Kinda? But when I think about him, Torian usually knows, which means he's thinking about him too.

And, um, I'm pretty sure the longing is him.

My brother's trying to figure out what is going on between them, and he is great at ignoring things that are inconvenient - or blowing them up. "

"Yeah, he is," I agreed.

So she snuggled closer, all but forcing me to wrap my arms around her.

"But now I'm sure of it. It's him, not me.

" And she rolled so her back was against my chest. "I also know I don't like men.

Keir said it's ok to experiment, but I've never really had that feeling before - but I don't think Torian has either. "

"Because you two can't exactly trust people," I pointed out, having just realized it myself a second ago. "I mean, you used to have this secret, and that made dating hard. Now, people know you're royalty, and I'm pretty sure most would try to use it to their advantage."

"And Keir isn't like that," she said. "I kinda think his whole thing about hating monarchies? I think it makes Tor like him more. Keir's so open about it. He approves of us, despite all this bullshit. That means he likes us for us, not what he gets from us."

"I do too," I reminded her. "I like you because you are the most amazing woman in two whole worlds."

"You've never been to Faerie, and neither one of us know if someone there is amazing. I mean, you might have a thing for sirens, you know."

I groaned. "Yeah, I'll pass on fae who can manipulate me like that."

She hummed and tilted her head, looking back at me. "So we're ok? I didn't mess things up?"

"What, with Keir?" I asked. "No! Aspen, that's fine with me. I mean, you don't have a problem with me making out with him."

"Doesn't always mean it works both ways."

"And I'm not that greedy," I assured her. "Seriously, what kind of asshole would be like, 'I get you and multiple boyfriends, but you'd better not cheat on me?'"

"A lot," she said. "Rain, most people are greedy. They talk themselves in circles, convincing themselves it all makes sense. I mean, just look at those four idiots attacking Pascal! He's Summer!"

"But it seems like they were sure he was on your side because he helped you the first time," I grumbled, because that was what Ms. Rhodes had told her, Torian, and Wilder before our evening practice session.

Evidently she'd gotten it out of the attackers, then Torian had told all of us.

"Pascal's a Legacy, so since he helped you, he had to be a Winter Legacy. "

"Mhm," she said. "And getting me out of the way makes their magic better, so it's the right thing to do. Attacking others makes their parents or friends or community happy, so it's the right thing to do. Rain, that's what I mean. People twist up their wants with what's right and wrong."

"And we're the ones who are going to end up paying for it," I pointed out.

She shrugged again. "Maybe. Maybe they will. History has a way of making it all seem so clear afterwards, but in the moment, the sides always think they're the ones who are the good guys."

"Yeah, good point," I said, nuzzling my face closer to her. "But you know, I think you may have done a good thing today."

"Helping Pascal?" she asked.

"Nope, kissing Keir." And I snuck in a kiss against her neck. "You two crossed that line, realized it wasn't going to work, and are still friends, right?"

"Oh yeah," she assured me. "But just friends."

"Which means we can work through problems," I told her. "And you think Tor's into him?"

"Yep, and Keir said you'd be ok with it if anything happened between them."

"Definitely," I said. "Aspen, you're still missing the big picture."

She looked back at me again. "What's that?"

"The Winter Queen with the Morrigan, and my knight with the Summer Prince, and his duke with the Winter Duke.

I'm pretty sure that's a full circle, Asp.

There aren't two sides - or even three if you count me as my own side.

We're all playing for the same end goal, and we can work through the weird moments, right?

So doesn't that make us even more of a united front? "

She sucked in a breath. "Oh, it does!"

"Mhm," I said, glad she agreed, "And maybe we need to stop hiding it?"

"Can't. Suitemates can't hook up. Not only us, but Hawke and Wilder too."

I groaned, aware she'd just killed the roll I was on. "Damn it!"

"I know," she agreed. "But then there's the question of whether people would hate it. If they'd think we're fucking everything up."

"Huh." I paused, thinking over what she'd just said. "Asp, what if we should?"

"Should what?"

"Fuck it all up," I said. "Loudly fuck it up. Not pretend that we're doing the right thing, but make it clear the old way didn't work, so we're going to try something new. Something better. Something where everyone gets to prove themselves and earn their place in the new system we're making."

"But why would we do that?" she asked.

"Hawke," I answered, letting that sit between us for a moment before continuing.

"He's a wildling, Aspen, but Tor made him a duke.

Why? Because he worked for it. Keir's a knight because he stepped up and helped.

Sure, maybe Wilder inherited his title, but he didn't rely on that.

He still worked to keep you safe, and he's always helping or protecting you. "

"Reward the effort," she realized.

"Actually do what these Silent seem to be hoping for. Make it clear you two are the ones who'll make that a reality, not the Mad Queen."

"Now that," she said, "is a very good idea, Rain. One that might even work."