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Chapter Thirty-Four

TORIAN

A spen told me after she'd mouthed off in her and Rain's math class. She'd been so proud too. The elation that had flowed into my mind hadn't been at all what I'd expected, but it felt perfect for her. My big sister was finally being acknowledged as the amazing woman she was becoming.

And the paranoia was already taking over.

All weekend, I placed enchantments, trying to catch any plans to harm her or the rest of our court. Ms. Rhodes and her staff found most of them, removing them easily. Monday morning, I had a message sent to my first period class, which I now spent with Keir. It was short, simple, and to the point.

Stop invading the privacy of others. This is still my school, not yours.

Chuckling, I crumbled it up and incinerated it. That made Keir lift a brow, and then I had to explain everything to him. He, however, had some information that helped ease my paranoia a bit. Not enough, but lately, anything was beneficial.

"So, I can say the sentinels are listening around too," he told me.

"Why?" I asked, trying to find a problem with that.

"They want to help. See, until recently, Bracken has been our de facto leader. I was his second-in-command, or the top of the combat students. One of their leaders, I guess you could say."

"Ok?" I asked, wondering where he was going with this.

But he leaned over the table. "Torian, those people are my friends. They've been my friends. Sure, maybe Beverly, Marlowe, Asher, and Iris hang out with other people, but they're still friends. Pascal, Bran, Axel, and Daivon? They were my only friends before you dragged me into the court."

"Technically, Rain and Aspen did that," I reminded him.

He grunted, making it clear he wasn't worried about the details.

"I'm saying they all know Rain's my girlfriend, Tor.

Aspen's her best friend, and I've made it clear she's my friend as well.

And yeah, I've slipped a few times and called her my partner.

Doesn't take much to figure out what that means, right? "

"So you've risked their living arrangements because you can't keep your mouth shut?" I asked, wishing I hadn't even as the words left my mouth.

Keir just chuckled, making it clear he knew me much too well.

"No. If they told anyone, it would be Bracken or Ms. Rhodes.

Both know, so there are layers of protection there.

All I'm saying is the sentinels are my friends.

My court, in a way. They've got my back, and I've got theirs.

That's why the guys are helping. It's why they're all so willing to respect Rain as our leader. "

"And I can't trust them," I said softly.

"You can't trust anyone," he pointed out. "But they are helping, and so far, they haven't heard anything overt about Aspen's title. They have heard a few people being surprised you and Aspen aren't at each other's throats."

"Not good," I grumbled. "They expect us to fight each other? That's not going to happen!"

"But we know about it," he said. "We also know people are scared of you - with good reason."

I felt a little smile touch my lips. "Good."

Then we got down to work. My control was back. Aspen's had become impeccable. That should've been enough to have me kicked back to my literature class, but Ms. Rhodes didn't seem worried about it, so Keir and I began to push the boundaries.

I wanted to see what I could do. He wanted to learn how much he could block. Down in the Never, we wouldn't destroy anything if we messed up, so the pair of us began trying larger and larger conjurations, yet for every single thing I could do, Keir could contain it easily.

Not even Aspen could do that.

I pondered this for the rest of the day, waiting until my final class to ask Ms. Rhodes about it. Since only me, Wilder, Aspen, and two other significant magic users were in this course, I felt this was the safest place to ask.

"How can Earth magic beat mine?"

She smiled at me. "I don't know. Figure it out, Torian. You have a whole class to do that every morning." And then she carried on with her lesson.

I was devising things Keir and I should try, just to test his limits, when the three of us made the walk out to the gym.

Unable to help myself, I tucked Aspen under my arm, hooking my elbow around her neck while we walked across the open grass.

Wilder hovered behind her, his eyes jumping around like he was on guard duty, even though he didn't say a thing.

And she told me all about the people who fumbled over her title.

Some called her a lady, or simply "Highness" and other variations from movies.

She'd heard "liege" and "Matron," which had resulted in her laughing in their face.

And yet, it all seemed to be good. They weren't spitting at her - or she just was hiding those stories from me.

Which meant this was fine. We were ok. Revealing who we were hadn't endangered either of us any more than we'd been before.

Sadly, I couldn't stop thinking that just because it hadn't happened yet didn't mean it wouldn't. Someone had to be making plans.

There would always be a person ready to stab us in the back.

So when Keir told me to work with Pascal, my mind wasn't in the right place.

This guy! He knew too much about us. He'd eased his way in too well.

Everyone liked him, but Keir had said he felt like he didn't have any friends.

He'd been alone before we included him, which meant this guy wasn't the friend Keir tried to claim.

"Let's try some simple blocks and parries to warm up," Pascal suggested.

"Call it," I told him, trying to find any hint of treachery on his face or in his eyes.

"Go!" Pascal said, moving forward with impressive skill.

But I'd been fencing since I could hold a blade. Back then, I'd had all the best protective gear, and we'd used real swords. The Queen's son didn't fear something as mundane as a blade, my mother had chided. I shouldn't be worried about a few bruises, she'd warned.

So I pushed in. Blocks and parries, huh? Well, if that was what he wanted, I'd give him things to stop or deflect. I'd give him all the attacks he desired!

I thrust, I lunged, and I even slashed. The stick I was wielding was light enough to make this easy, and years of torment made sure my body couldn't forget. I fought, and each time my practice stick moved, I lost myself a little more in the release of finally being able to just hit something.

Wood clacked and clattered. Pascal was retreating before me. Once, I cracked his hand, but he'd simply switched to the other, proving he'd been trained well. Trying to hold back my desire to make someone hurt, I did the same, matching him to keep it fair.

Finally, he had a chance to push me back a step, but one was all he'd get. A prince didn't retreat. That was failure and failure was not allowed. A prince was meant to be perfect. A prince should be the victor.

A prince never held back!

My mother's voice echoed in the back of my head, screaming at me in the way she always had before she began making it hurt.

Magical pain, physical pain, or any other punishment she could devise came when she screamed like that, and she only screamed when I wasn't the best, so I fought harder, no longer looking at the faeling before me.

Instead, I focused on his chest, the shift of his arms, and the threat.

"Hold!" someone called.

But I was so close to winning. I didn't even slow.

I couldn't. I hit harder, faster, and took less honorable shots.

Head, groin, hands - they should've been reserved for need, not training.

Right now, I needed to win. The screaming was getting louder in my mind. The Queen's training had been too good.

Pascal was tired now, and his arm was lagging behind. Seeing exactly what I needed, I risked everything to make sure this fool would never test me again. I swung, adding my bodyweight into the blow.

The practice stick crashed into ice. Vines grabbed it. A shadow shielded Pascal with a layer of iridescence right over it. The entire court had reacted at once, seeing I couldn't stop, but an invisible force held me. One that smelled of Avalon's flowers.

Breathe , Aspen told me even as she stepped into my line of sight. "Tor? Look at me, ok? I'll release it if you look at me."

I forgot where I was , I admitted as I shifted my eyes to meet hers.

And Aspen made a gesture at those behind me. All the conjurations faded, leaving only a wisp of Rain's shadows dissipating between me and Pascal. Through them, I saw fear on the poor guy's face.

"What the fuck, Tor?" he demanded.

Shit. I wanted to apologize, but I didn't know the words. I never learned how to do that. I also could think of a million reasons why it would make me look weak. I still had to give him something. Keir had just made a point of telling me this guy was his friend.

"I got carried away," I said blandly, offering my practice stick to whoever would take it.

Keir did. "Tor?"

"I thought he'd be able to keep up!" I snapped.

Because lashing out was easier. It was safer than admitting I'd fucked up bad and didn't know how to fix it. If I could push it away, it wouldn't matter anymore. Besides, Pascal wasn't my friend. He was Keir's and Rain's, and maybe Hawke's.

So I turned, storming toward the far side of the gym. I heard Aspen whisper, "Go." A moment later, footsteps followed.

"Tor?" Yeah, that was Hawke.

But Pascal clearly hadn't learned his lesson. When I turned to look at my best friend, the stupid sentinel was making his way closer.

"What the fuck was that, Torian?" Pascal demanded. "I said warm-up!"

"That was his warm-up," Hawke said. "He wasn't trained the same as you."

"And he was going to knock my head from my shoulders!" Pascal grumbled, turning his eyes back to me. "Do you just like hurting people or something?"

"There's a reason I don't use a blade," I grumbled.

So this arrogant faeling stepped right into my face.

"Well maybe that means you need to learn, Torian.

Saying you're too good? Trying to convince us all that we suck compared to you?

That isn't how you get people on your side.

" Then he thrust his arm back to Aspen. "She's a fucking queen, man!

She outranks you, and we like being around her.

Aspen's nice! You? You're just like your mother. "

And with a disgusted look, he turned away and headed back to the crowd of people watching us. Keir offered Pascal a pair of sticks, then glanced at me, but I couldn't read that look. Clearly, Rain could, because she left them and jogged over.

"Hawke?" she asked. "Can you help Pas? I need to make a few things clear to Torian."

Fuck. Of course she was going to take charge. That was what her kind did. The Morrigan was always a leader of some kind. Magical, societal, combat, culture, or anything else. Depending on why they were needed, the one the Crow King picked had a propensity to be what was needed at that time.

"Rain..." I tried.

She just wrapped her arm around my back and guided me into a side room. "PTSD?" she asked, keeping her voice down.

My head snapped over. "What?"

"Post-traumatic stress disorder," she said. "Although I'm not sure they use that term anymore? Syndrome, maybe?" And she waved that away. "Tor, it's what they call it when people like us have a bad moment."

"Us?" I asked with incredulity. Her life had been nothing like mine.

"The court," she clarified as she closed the door behind us. "Well, and probably everyone from Faerie. I mean, that's a lot of trauma to try to deal with, and you? I think you get the gold medal for the shit you've survived."

I paused, realizing there was a window over there and a desk beside it. This was Bracken's office, so definitely private. Outside, a bright blue sky and green-leafed trees reminded me I was safe at school. This was a good place. I had nothing to fear here - except myself.

"I didn't mean to," I whispered, having to almost force the words out.

"Yeah," she breathed, moving beside me to also look out the window. "Like, sometimes it just takes over, right?"

"What takes over for you?" I asked, knowing that was the wrong question, but hoping she'd understand.

"Before I came here, I'd punch people, getting in fights because it didn't matter," she said. "I wasn't going to stick around long enough to have friends, so I told myself I didn't need them. What about you?"

"I sometimes hear memories of my mother."

"Yeah, that would suck," she agreed. "Bad?"

"She's always yelling about how I can't fail - how if I'm useless, she doesn't need me. How she'll remind me what happens to princes who can't be what is required of them."

She nodded slowly, still staring out at the trees. "Tor? I kinda want to hug you. I mean, it's stupid, but when my dad hit my mom, I'd always hug her and give her a kiss to make it better. I know it's dumb, but yeah."

"Yeah?" I asked. "Did it work?"

She shrugged. "I mean, we could test it?"

"Might be a good idea," I decided.

So she turned, wrapping her arms around my neck on one side and shoulders on the other. Then she gripped me hard. I let my own arms slip around her back, but high. When most people would let go, Rain didn't. She held a bit longer, then even longer.

When I was sure it was much too long, something in my body gave in. I relaxed, dropping my head to her shoulder as a heavy sigh fell out. One of her hands moved up to the back of my neck, cradling me there. Then she did the last thing I would've expected: she kissed the side of my hair.

For the first time in far too long, I felt like it might really be ok to be weak sometimes.

Aspen, her, Keir, Wilder, and Hawke were here.

They had my back, yes, but none of them had ever done this.

None of them had just let me lean on them, not caring about my rank, pride, or sensibilities.

None of them had risked my wrath to help me.

So I clung to her a bit harder. "It does make it better," I whispered, simply because I was worried my voice would quaver. "Can you do it a little more?"

"For as long as you need," she assured me. "It's what friends are for."