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Chapter Thirty-One

ASPEN

W e didn't practice with the sentinels that afternoon.

When Ms. Rhodes offered to let us take the rest of the day off, all of us agreed.

Keir came over to spend some time with Rain, but I needed a shower.

Closing the doors to both suites, I turned the water up as hot as it would go, then stepped in.

I knew my skin wasn't dirty, but I still had to scrub. There was something inside me that felt filthy. I needed to get it off, but I couldn't, so I grabbed more soap. Making more lather did help, though. Mostly because of the floral scent drifting off my body.

Carol Dumont. Ms. Rhodes had given her a name, but I hadn't known her. I'd still checked on my tablet, trying to find out anything I could. She'd been a senior. In just a couple more months, she would've graduated and been ready to head off into the real world - but now she was dead.

I had no idea if her fae parent had been common or noble. I didn't know if her other parent had been pure human or a faeling. I couldn't find which classification she fit into here at school, or even if her magic had been weak or impressive.

All I knew was she'd had Winter magic.

That meant she was mine. I couldn't even explain the weight of the knowledge, but knowing this woman had been one of the few Winter fae here, and I'd been so disinterested in my responsibilities that I'd never even learned her name?

According to Torian, she was my subject, and that meant I had a responsibility to her.

I'd failed.

But there was one thing I knew. Carol Dumont hadn't hurt anyone. I was sure of it, because if she'd done so much as mouthed off, people would've talked about it. Those of us with Winter magic didn't get to be normal like everyone else. We were few and far between, and that meant we stood out.

Stop whining about it, Aspen.

Torian's thought slipped into my head like it was one of my own. There wasn't really a voice to go with it. It was just him in a way I knew instantly.

I deserve to whine a bit , I told him.

No, you need to do something.

So I stepped under the water and rinsed the perfumed soap off my body. I am doing something.

You're avoiding Rain. You're feeling sorry for yourself. None of that makes you a good queen. Someone came at one of yours, so what are you going to do about it?

I'm not you! I screamed back at him. I don't react to everything with rage, Tor. That's why I'm in the shower, because I wanted a moment to actually grieve this girl. She deserves that much, and I can give it to her.

Carol Dumont was a weak enticer, twenty-one years old, and from the foster system. Which meant he'd looked into her too. She made average grades, didn't have a lover, and was only half fae. She often made poor grades because she didn't want to show her magic in front of others.

Because it was white , I realized.

So fix that! he growled back.

Instead, I pushed my head under the water and let the stream of it hide the tears I let fall. That poor girl! How often had she been bullied because of her magic? Had she been ostracized because of it? Had it made it hard for her to find a partner? Did she have friends?

That doesn't help , Torian reminded me.

It helps me! I told him. Now stop trying to make me lash out the way you want, and actually listen to me.

This helps me. I don't want to be a queen like your mother, ok?

I don't want to think of people as responsibilities that can make me stronger.

I don't want to look at the world as nothing more than successes and failures, Tor.

I want to love, and enjoy. I want to actually feel things, even when they hurt.

No, you don't.

You might not, I shot back, but I do. I am not you. I don't have to push everything away to keep my sanity. I don't have to always face a challenge. I don't need to detach from it all because I'm scared that getting close will break me!

I won't break , he replied a little too fast.

So do you know every one of your 'subjects'?

Of course not. There's more of us. I also don't have any intention of crying for someone I didn't know. I didn't weep over Fin.

Because you won't let anyone in , I reminded him.

You're in. I think this counts as being in.

What about Rain? I asked. You could be friends with her, but you try so hard to keep it shallow. Wilder? Even now, the two of you have a distance between you. What about Keir?

Hawke , he offered as his answer.

You were desperate and confused, I said. Hawke helped you. You didn't let him in; he lifted you up. Not the same.

So you'd rather I spend my time crying over people I don't know? he asked. What does that accomplish, Asp?

It's called empathy , I explained. It reminds you that these people, even the ones we don't know, have lives, and loves, and families out there.

They had hopes and dreams, Tor. These people wanted things.

Some of them, like Carol, had it all cut short because of something she couldn't control, and that sucks!

Life sucks.

Shut up and listen to me! I yelled into his head.

Immediately, I felt his thoughts calm. Carol had potential.

She had centuries of life ahead of her. She'd found her place, and we only just announced who we are.

She wasn't alone, but she didn't have the chance to do more than hear a rumor about it before she was killed. And why?

Because people are cruel , he replied.

No, because we were scared. Because we were trying to be careful.

Because we, Torian, put ourselves first. Our lives had to be protected, but what about hers?

I hated the idea of taking the crown because I knew it came with responsibilities.

I wanted to be a nobody just a little longer.

To have the chance to giggle with my girlfriend and do stupid things while it still didn't matter, but that's gone now, and Carol paid the price for my greed.

You're not greedy , he hurried to assure me.

Everyone is a little greedy , I countered.

Aspen, open the door.

I slicked the water off my face. I'm in the shower.

Then get out and open the door.

I haven't even washed my hair.

His next words came back intensely. I don't care about your hair, Aspen. Open the fucking door!

So I shut off the water and wrapped a towel around my body. Leaving a trail of wet footprints behind me, I moved to the door that led into my suite and pulled it open.

Fine.

Immediately, my brother stepped through it, arriving right in front of me. Without pausing, he wrapped my wet body up in his arms and hugged me hard.

"Carol is not your fault," he said, holding me even tighter. "If anything, she's mine. Mostly, she's theirs, Asp. Whoever is trying to hurt you finally did. They made you hurt in here." And he leaned back to tap my chest. "Don't let them win like that."

I grunted and rolled my eyes, flicking a hand back to remove the water I'd left on the floor even as I headed into my room.

"Rain's on her side with Keir," I told him.

"Don't care," Torian said. "I'm here for you."

So I spun back to face him. "And you aren't even listening to me!"

"I just want to make you stop hurting!" he snapped. "Why is that so wrong?"

"Because this is supposed to hurt," I told him.

"Torian, you can't undo what your mother did to you, so you're trying to protect me so much I'm going to suffocate!

I'm a queen! A real fucking queen, do you hear me?

And I will be a very different queen than Titania.

I won't hurt people. I will make myself understand their pain.

I will feel for them, and I will have a good heart.

I will love - in all the ways a person can.

I will love the strangers, the friends, the enemies, and everything else.

I will be a good fucking queen, but to do that, I have to stop avoiding it!

" And I huffed out a breath. "And that means accepting that this sucks. "

"Yeah," he said softly.

"You can be the strong one, Tor. I can be the soft one with a heart that's always bleeding for people. I'm actually fine with that."

"But will it make you a good queen?" he asked. "Or will it make you easy to corrupt?"

I just reached over to clasp his arm. "I have you, remember? When I'm a pushover, you'll step in. When you're a dick, I'll remind you to have a heart."

And he pulled me up against his chest again, hugging me gently this time. "I didn't know her either, Asp. I should've."

"But they know we're here now," I reminded him. "Tor, they know, and I want to be something that gives them hope. I want the Winter fae to realize our court isn't gone. We haven't been decimated."

"Me too."

"But I don't know how!" I went on. "I have everyone telling me to be careful, and then this makes me think I've been too careful. I mean, I could've blocked the conjuration that killed her. I could've survived that, but she didn't stand a chance, so shouldn't they be coming at me? At us?"

"So what do you want to do?" he asked.

Yeah, that was a hard question to answer.

If I knew, I probably would've been doing it already.

In truth, I didn't have a clue what my options even were, let alone which ones of them I liked.

I just knew I was so sick of this mess. I was tired of the hate for my season, and all for the dumbest reasons!

"I don't know," I admitted.

"We could crush all the Children of the Exodus," he offered, but the curl to his lip made it clear he wasn't serious.

"And do to someone else what was just done to Carol?" I shook my head. "We don't know if they're guilty, Tor. We'd be judging them by their group, not their own actions."

"So what will you do when you find someone who deserves to be punished?" he asked. "Could you do it, Asp? Could you actually destroy someone if you had to? Or should I be ready to step in?"

His eyes jumped between mine, proving this wasn't an attempt to scold me. He was honestly asking, and from the feel in my mind, it seemed he would accept my answer, no matter what it was - but Carol had changed something.

"When the Huntsman was dragging me to the gate," I said, answering in my own way, "I remember what it felt like knowing you were there. I wasn't alone, not even then. But just when I was sure it would all be too late, do you know what I saw?"

"No," he admitted.

"Rain, Keir, and Hawke." I crossed the room and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"I saw heroes charging in, Tor. I saw them as my saviors, as a chance to make things better.

I saw them, and I felt hope. I felt like maybe we could stop what was happening - and they did!

But that's the thing. I was the one who needed help, and I will never forget that split second when I realized I was being saved.

Next time, I kinda want to do the saving. "

He moved closer, crouching down before me. "Then be a queen no one can stop, Aspen," he breathed. "We both know you can, and I don't mean cruel. I just mean powerful. You are the daughter of Oberon. You are the true heir of the Winter Crown. Ms. Rhodes can't tell you how to act. Neither can I."

"But you're my brother," I reminded him.

He smiled up at me. "Yeah, and I will always be that. I'm also your younger brother."

"Three days," I grumbled.

"Which still makes you the elder," he said. "That means you outrank me a bit. It means, Aspen, that I will support you, ok?"

"I just don't know how to be a queen," I admitted. "The only example I know is from your memories."

"So make it up," he suggested. "Personally, I think you'll do a good job no matter what you do."

I nodded. "Which means the first step is actually doing something."