Page 16

OLLIE

The path before Ollie was a green tunnel, lush and overgrown. Insects buzzed all around him as he moved forward, not knowing where he was heading, only that there was a goal and he needed to keep walking.

The path seemed endless, with the promise of open land just ahead, and Ollie broke into a run, feeling sweat upon his brow as he tore through the brush and out into a field. It was expansive, with long green stalks waving in the wind.

Clouds obscured the sun and a chill wound its way across the grass to Ollie, wrapping around him and causing him to shiver.

“Finn?” he shouted, but his voice didn’t carry at all. Trembling, he took a few steps back, and the world around him drained of color, the sky a foggy menacing gray, the wind picking up.

“Finn!” Ollie curled in on himself, falling to the ground under a large gust. On instinct, he tried to push himself back up but his left arm didn’t respond. Looking down, he choked on a breath as the limb dissolved, blowing away.

Fear cracked through Ollie like a whip and he began to scream, trying to get to his feet but his legs vanished as well. It was like the air was eating his bones.

“Finn!” His final scream came from deep in his gut and rippled through reality, tearing Ollie from sleep. Trembling and wet with perspiration, he sat up, checking his limbs several times and breathing a sigh of relief once he found them all intact. Rolling out of bed, he steadied himself until the room stopped spinning and grabbed a towel to dry off, wrapping it around his shoulders with a frown.

He did not like that dream. And he wasn’t stupid, he understood the symbolism. Eating the occasional normal meal to keep Finn appeased had resulted in Ollie exercising even more, and he’d reached his stretch goal. Lately, he’d been feeling lighter than air, able to escape anything, but there were moments where exhaustion would set in, a brutal fatigue that stemmed from his core, and it was seeping into his dreams, warning him that he was going too far.

But he didn’t know what to do. By this weight, he was sure he’d be rid of his anxiety and dread, but all the promises he’d been making to himself weren’t coming true. Because now he had more to lose.

Despite his resistance, he’d fallen for Finn hard and fast, and having someone this good in his life was surreal, a boon, which had shifted the goalposts. Now his main objective was to not lose Finn because he didn’t think he could bear it, and that made him clingy. Although he tried to blame it on affection there was fear in there too. And it was both affection and fear that made him call out for Finn in his dreams, but Ollie had been all alone.

Shaking himself, he tossed the towel aside and flopped into his puffy orange chair, letting it engulf him like a hug.

If he stopped everything - all of the calorie counting, the workouts, the constant measuring and weighing, the obsessive thoughts of food - would tragedy run into him like a freight train? Could he even stop? Ollie put a hand to his head, distressed at the thought of regularly scarfing down meals without a plan to work it off. Was he trapped like this? Wanting to eat but not wanting to eat, scared and scant, wondering if shedding a few more pounds would help?

With a sigh, he dropped his hand and contemplated his phone, which he’d left charging on his nightstand. He needed to get back to a ton of private messages and comments, curate some new content, and do another Live, but he hadn’t been feeling up to it. He might be burnt out from doing social media for a living; however, he’d never had a problem pulling double duty when he worked at his last job. It was most likely the fatigue, and Ollie leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling as he tried to muster up the energy to get ready for his shopping date and makeover with Finn.

It was his idea and he should be excited. But he was only tired. Caffeine would help.

Gathering strength, Ollie stood, bracing his hands on the bookshelf as the usual dizziness washed over him. Once he felt steady, he grabbed the flowy pink robe he left on the end of the bed and tied it closed, heading to the bathroom across the hall. Doing a quick morning routine, he shook out his curls and when his hands left his hair there were far too many strands on them, twisted around his fingers and wrists. Looking down, he noticed the same amount on the tile by his feet.

Panic shot through him and he leaned into the mirror, gently parting his hair, his harsh breathing the only sound in the room as he checked his scalp, looking for bald spots or missing curls. Darting back to his room, he unplugged his cell and rifled through his nightstand, grabbing a handheld mirror, when he noticed his pillow.

Since his sheets were lavender, it took Ollie a moment to realize that the glinting he saw was more of his hair. Brushing it all together, it made a small clump and he stared at it until his vision went blurry with tears. Chin quivering, he gathered his things and rushed back to the bathroom.

Turning on the phone’s flashlight, he searched his head again, using the extra reflection to study the back. While he didn’t find anything overt, he could tell that his hair was thinning and it was only a matter of time until it became noticeable. This wasn’t just another sign, it was a flashing neon warning, and Ollie’s dread rose, hanging over him, its feral grin intimating that there was much more to come.

Wiping his tears away, he stared at his puffy-eyed, balding reflection, tilting his head. Strange, his old self never taunted him anymore, as if it was too scared to come out. Or maybe he looked worse now than when he’d started.

His phone rang in his hand, its anime ringtone loudly bouncing off the bathroom walls, and Ollie jumped, snapping his eyes to the screen. Biz. She’d texted a few days ago but he’d been so busy with work, Finn, and exercising that he hadn’t gotten back to her.

And she was going to wait a little more because Ollie was in the middle of a crisis.

Turning the ringer off, he put the phone on the sink and continued to check his curls. If hair was falling out of his head, then he was pushing too hard. But the inevitable question rose again - could he stop?

If anything, he had to try. He’d started this diet by making slow changes that eventually snowballed. Maybe he could stop it the same way. He had to. Because if he didn’t, he’d lose much more than his hair.

Holding onto the sink, Ollie carefully rose to his feet, and this time the dizziness hung around for a while, his emotions spinning it up. When he could finally walk, he tottered back to his room and installed a food delivery app. Once he set up the account, he added a coffee and a few small calorie-dense items to the cart. It scared the hell out of him to order that much but the way his body was freaking out scared him even more.

Once the food was on its way, he sprayed his curls down with water and used the most expensive hair-repair mask he had, hoping to prevent the worst. Wrapping his head in plastic wrap, he slumped in his desk chair, studying his silk pillowcase again. He’d wiped it clean but he inspected it anyway, looking for more strands. Thankfully, he came up empty, so he spent the next few minutes researching if his weight loss and hair loss were linked, and they certainly were, but he didn’t like any of the facts he was presented with, especially the ones about eating disorders.

His phone vibrated, shuffling across the desk. Pursing his lips, Ollie picked it up and found four texts from Biz, each one more threatening than the last, and a tiny smile surfaced on Ollie’s face. Biz’s anger was something familiar and comforting in his ever-changing world, and he decided to call her back. Researching while waiting for his breakfast was raising his anxiety; he needed a distraction.

She picked up on the second ring. “Oliver Clark, I was about to drive out there and storm your house.”

“Why?” Ollie tried to play innocent. “We texted last week.”

“But I haven’t talked to you or seen you in months. Not since Christmas!” Ollie could hear her typing in the background.

“Are you writing?” He attempted to change the subject.

“All the time.” Her multitasking skills were unnatural. “Anyway, I’m calling because I heard through Tommy that you have a boyfriend now.”

“How does Tommy know?”

“So, you do have a boyfriend?”

“Yeah.” At the thought of Finn, a small spark of calm stirred Ollie’s heart, like a port in a ferocious storm, and Ollie clung to it.

“I can’t fucking believe that Tommy found out before me.” Ollie could tell that underneath her aggression, she was hurt. He’d pulled away from his family and they were feeling it. The calm dissipated, replaced by guilt, which spread through Ollie’s chest, making it difficult to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Biz. I was trying to be lowkey about it because I didn’t want to jinx anything. It’s still pretty new.”

There were a few seconds of silence and he heard her sigh. “It’s fine. Tommy only knows because he saw your Live.”

“He looks at my social media?” Ollie was glad he’d been careful lately, only showing himself from the shoulders up. Between his family possibly judging him and the increasing flood of comments about his body, he’d decided to focus on makeup for the time being. Besides, most of his wardrobe didn’t fit him anymore.

“Sometimes,” she let out a short laugh, “but I’m too busy shipping anime men with each other to venture into your internet town.”

“That’s right.” Ollie could breathe a little more as the subject finally changed. “How is that going?”

“I just hit one thousand kudos on my last fic, it has humiliation kink and tentacles. Three people did fanart for it!” Her voice was all devilish glee.

“Congratulations?”

“Yes. Thank you. Oh!” Her tone changed and Ollie sat up straighter in his chair, adjusting the plastic around his head. “When was the last time you talked to Rain?”

“When he sent me a gay porn Christmas meme, soooo months ago?” It was teetering into spring now as the breezes warmed up and daffodils lined the streets.

“Wait, you don’t know? His mom broke up with her latest boyfriend so they had to move. And they’re living with her new boyfriend in your town.”

“Really?” Ollie blinked. “Tommy must be upset.”

“He is but the gas prices are what’s making him cry. Let’s backtrack for a minute though, tell me about this boyfriend. Is he the real deal?” Biz had been there for Ollie’s last two mistakes and clearly did not want him to make a third.

“He’s the real deal, Bizmark.” Ollie would delve into that with her once he’d solved his current crisis. “And he treats me well.”

“It’s about fucking time,” she declared, and Ollie heard her punch the desk. “You should bring him over and let me size him up, see if he’s marriage material.”

“Yeah, no.” Ollie shook his head even if she couldn’t see him, the plastic wrap crinkling. “It hasn’t even been three months, let’s not scar him for life just yet.”

“You’re no fun.” She blew a raspberry through the phone right as the doorbell rang.

“Oh, my food’s here,” Ollie said absently. His plan worked; Biz had been an amazing distraction.

“You ordered food?” It sounded casual but Ollie could hear the layers in her tone, for good reason.

Guilt bloomed in Ollie’s chest again, sharp and aching. He’d only wanted to fix his problems but he’d caused far more, especially with his family. Taking a deep breath, Ollie swore to repair all the damage, take away their worries, and visit once he’d gained a few pounds and his body stopped overreacting.

“Yeah!” Ollie told her brightly. “I wanted some hash browns.”

It took Ollie over an hour but he managed to eat half of what he ordered, imagining that he was on a date with Finn. Wrapping up the leftovers, he vowed to work on them again later, after the makeover, and while he was proud of himself, he felt bloated and uneasy. This was going against everything he’d been working for and doubts plagued him, pecking at him like crows. He’d just gotten rid of his old self, reached a place where he was able to float away from everything, and he was giving in right as he reached the finish line.

A chirp echoed through the room and Ollie glanced down at his phone, a single sentence calming him.

Ready to play dress up with you today, Sunshine.

Quickly he typed back. Since you’re already a 10, today we’re making you an 11.

I’m actually a 15.

Ollie snorted and sent Finn a still image of a drag queen holding her hand up with STOP written on the palm.

Finn replied with three sideways laughing faces right as Ollie noticed the time. He needed to start his makeup and hair now, or he was going to be late. Reluctantly leaving the comfort of his orange chair, he gathered a few things and opened his bedroom door, meaning to cross the hallway into the bathroom, but Mason’s voice echoed through the house, unusually loud and stopping Ollie right in his tracks.

“How did you get my number?” The words were soaked in anger and resentment, and they were accompanied by footsteps as Mason moved around the first floor. “Forget it, I don’t care. If you step foot in this place, I’ll call the police. I do not consider you my family. Gran was the only family I had and she left the house to me. Stop stalling, let me settle the estate, and leave me alone.”

Ollie stayed frozen where he was, listening to but not seeing Mason as he ended the call and slammed the basement door shut. It seemed like Mason’s family was holding strong; Ollie wished that he could help.

Finally making it to the bathroom, Ollie took a quick shower, rinsing away the dream. Washing out the hair mask, he used all his repair products to style his curls and let them air dry while he put on his face. It took far too much time to cover up the purple hollows under his eyes and alter his peaked complexion to a rosy glow, so he swiftly got dressed, checked his almost-dry hair, and declared himself ready. The caffeine seemed to be doing its job, or maybe it was the food, for he had slightly more energy.

Rushing had resulted in Ollie being early, so he waited on the porch with his tripod and two bags of essentials that he’d packed the night before. Finn had lightly suggested that they go to his place after shopping and Ollie was willing to take him up on that offer. They’d been a thing for months now, it was about time Ollie saw his boyfriend’s place.

Checking his phone, Ollie’s eyebrows rose. He’d missed a text from Rain. It was like Biz and her witchy goth ways had summoned him.

hellooo Ollinator, are there any jobs open at your wedding place? I can walk to it and I need money to move the fuck out.

Ollie frowned, not liking the sound of that. Rain must be having a tough time with his mom’s new boyfriend.

Yeah, they’re always looking for wait or kitchen staff. I’ll give Marci your number, she sorta runs that stuff.

Three celebration emojis prefaced a REALLY??? I owe you a blowjob.

Ollie laughed for the first time that day. Nope, I’m good. I have someone to do that for me.

I heard you got a DADDY. A kissy-face emoji broke up the sentence. Send me a picture of his dick.

Ollie cringed and fired off a flashing GIF of the word NO. He hadn’t even seen Finn’s dick since the infamous couch incident and he wanted to see it again, hopefully tonight, but it wasn’t for sharing with Rain.

Send me a picture of your landlord’s dick. Rain’s tap was always turned on.

Why would I have that? Ollie grimaced at his phone.

If I lived there I’d have it.

Ollie sent Rain a dozen eye-roll emojis.

Guess what, I’m seeing Tommy today.

Guilt zapped Ollie again. Cool. Tell him I said hi.

You should prob text him. Btw? thankyouthankyouthankyou you’re saving my ass.

Rain was right; Ollie should text his brother. But Tommy would want to meet up and Ollie couldn’t see his family, not right now. Not while he was climbing out of the giant hole he’d dug for himself.

Finn’s car pulled into the driveway and Ollie waved before finishing up with Rain.

I will. And no problem. If I can do anything else let me know.

“I can’t believe how good you look in a suit. No, wait. I can believe it.” Ollie flounced around Finn, who was laden with shopping bags. They’d stopped at Vice and Virtue for even more caffeine and the coffee had left Ollie at full blast, so over the last few hours he’d efficiently led Finn through the mall, getting haircare products and moisturizer as well as a new suit and casual outfit.

It had been more fun than Ollie had expected and he took a lot of videos throughout the shopping extravaganza, mostly of the places they stopped at and the items they bought. After finding out that Tommy might be in the audience, Ollie felt a bit camera shy.

“I look good in anything.” Finn batted his eyelashes, stopping to pose with his arms out and Ollie grabbed one of them, giggling.

“You are an arrogant menace.” Using the arm in his grasp, Ollie dragged them toward their final stop, a shoe store the size of a warehouse.

“An arrogant Olliesexual menace.” Finn corrected smugly.

“You know, you’re handling this dating-a-man thing really well,” Ollie ventured with a soft smile.

“Because it’s not about dating a man. It’s about dating you.” Finn stopped to admire the window display of brightly colored sneakers as they entered the store. “I’d like you no matter if you’re a man, a woman, or a goat.”

“If I was a goat you’d be in trouble,” Ollie pointed out, wagging his finger.

“With who? The ASPCA? Even if you were a goat you’d like me back, you wouldn’t report me.” Finn gave Ollie an alluring smirk. “And I’m grateful that you gave us a chance.”

Ollie wished he didn’t blush like a schoolgirl and lose coherence every time Finn turned on the charm. “Me too. Um, with the chance,” he coughed, straightening his jacket. He’d gone with sportswear, and the voluminous pink tracksuit he wore was covered in pockets laced with white stitching and zippers. Long cords hung from some of the eyelets and it should have been messy but was executed perfectly. Ollie had left the jacket a bit unzipped, showing the bright white heat-retention shirt he wore underneath, and the ensemble was completed by one of his greatest finds - half-priced Jimmy Choo Timberland X pink boots he’d won in an online auction.

Glancing down to his left, Finn grabbed a horrid lime-green shoe and held it up, putting it right back down with a chuckle when Ollie shook his head, hands on his hips.

Jumping as his pocket buzzed, Ollie quickly fished out his cell and swiped away the lock screen of him and Finn at Match Makers, grinning.

“Who’ve you been texting all day? Should I be jealous?” Finn nudged him.

“Of Marci?” Ollie showed him the chain of texts, enjoying how he grimaced at Marci’s name. “My brother’s friend needs a job so I’m trying to get him something at The Pointe.”

“Oh? I can call Owen for you.” Reaching next to Ollie, Finn lifted a shiny dress shoe with a zipper on the side. It was edgy, almost goth, and they both nodded. Dropping the bags, Finn ducked down to check the shelves below it for his size.

“You’re very sweet,” Ollie smiled, “but Marci said, and I quote, ‘As long as he’s not a serial killer - wait I don’t care - as long as he can hold a tray he’s hired. His extracurriculars are none of my business.’ So, I believe I’m good.” The hall was always slightly understaffed and now, with both rooms being booked all the time, they needed even more people.

“Okay, great.” Finn straightened, box in hand, and it only took a moment for him to shed his Converse and try the new shoes. Standing, he walked up and down the aisle, modeling them. “What do you think?”

Ollie nodded approvingly. “They’re adorable. Do they fit well?”

Finn bounced a bit. “Yeah! These are more comfortable than they look.”

“Then you have to get them.”

“I think I will,” Finn winked and Ollie’s cheeks warmed again. Changing back into his sneakers, Finn grabbed their purchases and the box, and they walked toward the cash register until Ollie’s eyes caught a dazzling purple high heel.

“Gasp!” Ollie clapped his hands together melodramatically, stopping to pick it up.

“I’ll pay and be right back, okay?” Kissing Ollie on the forehead, Finn headed to the front of the store.

Placing the shoe in the center of his palm, Ollie took out his phone and snapped several pictures, trying to find the best light. When he was finally satisfied, he selected his favorite photo, gave it a sparkle filter, and posted it to his story with a poll.

Should I buy this gorgeousness?The choices were Yes and OFC, which some people interpreted as of course and others, including Ollie, interpreted as of fucking course. Laughing to himself, he grabbed a picture of the shoebox label and began to search for the high heel online, trying to find it at a better price.

“Oli?” A trembling voice slapped Ollie back into reality and he froze, eyes wide, almost dropping his phone.

Slowly, Tommy came into his field of vision. His younger brother had always been a happy child who had become, in turn, a good-natured adult. He’d never been anxious or depressed, so it was jarring to see that mixture of fear and alarm on his face.

“Holy shit Ollie, what happened to you?” As if he couldn’t believe his eyes, Tommy reached out, trying to grasp Ollie’s arm, but he backpedaled, bumping into someone. Turning, he found Rain standing behind him.

Was this an ambush? His pulse quickened and he began to sweat, his dread rising. Maybe all that negativity was right, maybe he shouldn’t have eaten breakfast because bad things were happening. Very bad things.

“Hey, Ollie.” Rain shuffled away, giving him some space. “Remember when I told you Tommy was visiting today? I guess we were all going to the mall.” He was trying to retain some levity but his voice was forced, strained, and every few seconds he flicked his gaze above Ollie’s head, to Tommy.

A full-body shiver rippled through Ollie as he began to panic. Unable to speak, he opened and closed his mouth like a fish, gasping with a rough squeak when Tommy reached out again, clasping Ollie’s arm this time. His eyes clouded the moment he realized the limb-to-cloth ratio, and he pulled away as if he’d been burned. “Ollie, what are you doing to yourself? Stop losing weight!” The words were raw and scared.

“Is there a problem here?” Finn seemed to materialize out of thin air and Ollie jumped, the tenuous hold on his panic shattering to pieces.

He couldn’t take this. Not Rain’s unease, Finn’s confusion, or Tommy’s shocked fear, which was now engraved in Ollie’s mind. And Tommy wasn’t just going to walk away from this, he was going to tell everyone - his parents, Biz, Sophie, and they would all come down on him with shackling concern, holding him down while Finn watched from his front-row seat.

And that was the most humiliating. He and Finn had been doing this secret tango of we both know Ollie has food issues but we’re not going to talk about it and Ollie was hoping to come back from the edge without making too big of a deal about things. But this surprise encounter was going to tear away their uneasy peace treaty, and maybe even the relationship itself. Ollie had too much to lose and it was being stripped away right in front of him.

Suddenly, his mind went strangely clear. He needed to leave. Right now.

“I-I’m sorry,” he stammered as he darted off, using all his strength to run as fast as he could, ignoring the stares of the other shoppers, how Finn called out after him, and focusing on how light he was, how fast.

But still not fast enough to outrun disaster.