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ERIK

“ I feel bad,” I told Ryan Detenbeck before sinking my teeth into a burger at the Lake Effect Diner.

“Why?”

“Why? Because I should feel happy for Kayden. Hell, I should be leading his cheering section, but I’m not. And it’s not just a flat feeling. The whole thing makes me feel crappy.”

That was the truth. I’ve told you that once already, but almost a week had passed since hearing the news, and the same funk still throttled me. Yeah, I’d rationalized the whole thing left and right, but nothing seemed to set my mind at ease.

“It won’t be all bad, will it?” he asked.

“I’m not following.”

“Well, if he’s going to the NHL, that can only be good for you.”

What do you mean? I wanted to ask. Are you an idiot? Then I realized that my teammate couldn’t know how high the stakes really were for me.

“I still don’t get it.”

Ryan set his own burger on the plate and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “If Kayden’s in the NHL, then you can have the Larkin Lions team captain role all to yourself.”

I rolled my eyes, already regretting this conversation. Leave it to Ryan to completely miss the point. Besides, I didn’t care about having the team to myself. Maybe I would have at the start of the season, but so much had changed since then.

“That’s great and all,” I said, “but I’d rather be co-captains with Kayden than have the team to myself.”

“That says a ton, bro. I mean that.”

Honorable as that sounded, I couldn’t tell him the full details about why. I mean, I was dying to do it, but Kayden would freak.

“I know you think I could trip over my own IQ,” Ryan said, “but there’s more to this, isn’t there? Like, it isn’t just because Kayden could be leaving.”

“I’m just worried that I don’t have what it takes to make it to the NHL,” I said.

“Wait, are you serious?”

“Well…”

“Dude, use your brain, would you? You’re gonna make it to the big leagues. I don’t have a single question about that. It might not be as fast as Kayden is making it there, but it doesn’t matter. Who the hell makes it on the exact same timetable anyway?”

I understood what he was saying, but that didn’t make things better. The idea of Kayden Preston playing for any pro team, even in the minors, while I remained stuck in college drove me bananas. It wasn’t so much about him living the dream as it was him living it without me.

“I know what you’re saying,” I said, “but I feel like no matter what anyone says and no matter how I try to look at it, this just isn’t sitting well with me.”

“Big surprise.”

“What do you mean?”

“You two are way too competitive with each other, you know that?”

That was the first serious remark I’d heard from him in a long time.

Scarier, it was the first halfway intelligent one too.

It also happened to be true. The part of me that was seriously competitive wanted to believe you could never have too much of a good thing.

In hockey, you need a certain level of fire and drive to succeed.

Without it, you and your teammates will always wind up on the short end of the stick.

And then you’ll wind up pumping gas for a living and telling people about how you could’ve been a great hockey player and tasted real glory.

On the other hand, our level of competitiveness could turn into a roadblock.

We’d learned that early in the season with the team captain’s locker fiasco.

The Larkin Lions could have suffered because of it.

Our relationship had kept a lot of that competitiveness at bay because concealing our love had occupied more of our attention than anything.

Now that Kayden had inched ahead of me career-wise, I had to do something. I couldn’t just let something like this stand. Problem was, admitting it made me feel so cheap and petty.

“I guess I see what you’re saying,” I said.

“It all works out in the end, doesn’t it?”

I paused. This time, I did know what he meant, but didn’t really believe it. Maybe that came from the part of me that believed no easy answers existed.

“I guess you’re right,” I said.

“Think about it this way: If Kayden gets drafted now, it’ll light a fire under your ass.

You won’t be able to stand it. You’ll want to show everyone you can do it too.

All you’ll be able to think about is how you’re gonna become the very best hockey player you can be.

If an NHL team still doesn’t come knocking at your door, they’re totally fucked in the head. ”

I couldn’t help laughing a little at that.

“Besides,” he said, “you know you can’t worry about shit like that right now, don’t you?”

“Remind me why.”

“Because we’ve got a championship to win. We need you at your best, bro.”

“I’m at my best.”

“But you’ve got to stay on the lookout for problems. If you don’t get your head on straight, we could risk losing. If that happens, neither of you are gonna be drafted.”

Then a thought occurred to me. I hoped to god I would never actually do something like this, but I actually worried that I could unintentionally sabotage my boyfriend. For the second time today, Ryan Detenbeck said something intelligent. The world got weirder and weirder, didn’t it?

But hey, I would still have my boyfriend all to myself.

When I left Canada for Larkin University, I’d had only one goal in mind: making it in the NHL.

Winning a championship for the school would have been a by-product of it, but the main goal was where my focus was.

I hadn’t counted on meeting someone like Kayden Preston—and I sure as hell hadn’t bargained for falling in love.

“I guess the only problem left,” I said, “is that I’ll be stuck here while Kayden is off god knows where.”

“I know that’ll definitely be tough.”

I turned to my teammate who sounded like he knew something. He must’ve noticed a stern look on my face because he appeared to fumble for just the right words.

“You know, because you’re in love with him, right?” he asked.

“Um, excuse me?”

Instead of fumbling for words, a huge stupid grin appeared on his face.

“Come on, dude,” he said. “I thought you would know what I’m talking about.”

He made a circle with his thumb and forefinger and then slid the index finger of his free hand in and out of it. He smiled hugely like he’d thought up the most original concept on earth. Then he erupted with laughter, making me feel tense until I finally snapped.

I snatched his hand, clamping down and squeezing, then slammed it onto the table. His mouth dropped wide open and he bent over, wincing with pain.

“Owwww!” he said. “Jesus Christ, let go of me, will you?”

I didn’t care that everyone in the restaurant was now staring at us. I wanted answers and wouldn’t let go until I got them.

“Who told you that?”

“No one!”

“That’s bullshit, Detenbeck. I know better. Now, spill the tea, would you? Who told you that?”

“No one!”

I squeezed even harder, and he grunted like he couldn’t bear the pain a second longer.

“I’m not even close to kidding, pal. I want to know who told you that, and I want to know it right now!”

“I’m dead serious, bro. No one told me anything. It was just a stupid joke!”

I let go of his hand. Detenbeck pulled it back and cradled it like a baby instead of acting like a rough and tough hockey player. Maybe my actions sound a little too much like a Kayden Preston move for my liking, but my teammate had pushed me to it.

Normally, I would’ve apologized profusely for a reaction like that one but wouldn’t now. Ryan Detenbeck and his big, fat mouth totally deserved it.

“Jesus Christ, bro, did you really have to do that?” he asked.

“Did you really have to make the suggestion you just did?”

“I already told you I was kidding. No need to turn into a maniac on me.”

“Maybe I do need to be a maniac. It’s the only way you’ll ever learn some manners.”

“God, you’re worse about this than Kayden was.”

I cocked an eyebrow at him, but he said nothing. I didn’t really want to hear anything from him anyway.

So, he had probably made a similar really dumb comment about this to Kayden too.

That figured. And it also stood to reason that Kayden would hate it.

But it also meant that people were figuring us out, which I could take as good or bad.

On one hand, we could finally be ourselves.

That was all I really wanted. We could finally be free.

On the other hand, we could become a punchline for the team’s jokes, which didn’t sound so appealing.

This also reminded me that, sooner or later, a decision would need to be made. Kayden wouldn’t like it, but others could wind up making the decision for us. For now, I wouldn’t draw any more of Ryan’s attention to it than I already had.

“Go ahead and put a band-aid on that,” I said. “I’m not gonna kiss it and make it better.”

And just like that, Ryan slinked out of our booth and headed for the bathroom. I’m sure he hoped like hell that I wouldn’t tell another living soul that I’d damn near made him cry. I could promise him nothing. His best bet to ensure it never happened again was to behave.

Our server returned to the table with the bill, which I’m sure my teammate expected me to pick up now. I would do it to make up for nearly snapping his hand off..

I realized that none of my concerns really mattered now.

At first, I’d worried that I would lose Kayden because he couldn’t come out.

Now an entirely new issue threatened us.

I had no answers and even less control over it.

As much as I wanted to take things as they came, I just couldn’t.

I’d already dreamed of what life would be like if the worst happened.

I won’t deny that, at this point, I worried I could never live a life without Kayden Preston in it.