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KAYDEN

I wouldn’t believe Erik De Ruiter if his tongue were notarized.

On the other hand, I was crazy for the guy, so I put up with it.

How I felt for him was different than my feelings for anyone ever, and not just because he was a guy.

More importantly, I didn’t know why I would have such intense feelings for someone who drove me crazy, but sometimes that felt like part of the adventure.

The afternoon we’d taken that Westside jog made everything hit home.

Like, I connected the dots at that point.

Erik wanted something different than I did.

To be fair, I didn’t know what I wanted.

I’m not saying I’d just been along for a fun ride.

Nothing that neanderthal. Dating a guy had been a huge life change for me, and I had to take baby steps—whereas Erik wanted me to take a giant leap.

Well, a giant leap risks landing you in a giant hole.

Something bothered him, though. I could tell.

I had just finished fucking him, and he should have been staring up at the ceiling practically delirious.

Only he didn’t seem nearly as enthused as usual.

He normally cried out in pleasure, wrapping his legs scissor-like around my hips, lacing his fingers at the back of my head, and calling me a sex god. You know, the usual.

But he did none of that this time. He barely held onto me.

The few noises that came from him were the natural grunts and groans you should expect.

In fact, he basically laid there, letting me fuck him, like he wanted to get it over with.

The only thing he hadn’t done was check his watch while I was pounding him.

What gives?

After, we lay naked on his bed with Netflix playing in the background.

At least that part was more or less normal.

We were never in a hurry to escape one another’s company after sex.

I stroked my finger up and down his chest, wanting to entice him to a second round.

I wanted to finally rouse that enthusiasm from him.

I kissed his lips a few times, but he barely kissed back and didn’t smile. Then I reached down and stroked his cock, but that didn’t excite him either. Even tickling the underside of his balls didn’t do it for him. I swore this guy was made of stone.

“Something’s bothering you,” I said. “What is it?”

I expected him to say n othing and be as difficult as possible. But he didn’t say a word. He avoided the topic, sure, but he kept a stiff upper lip to pretend he was okay. And he was doing a shitty job of it.

Time to take the bull by the horns.

“Erik,” I said, “you don’t have to be like this. We’re a couple. Couples talk.”

“Right. They do.”

“So, why don’t you come out and tell me what’s wrong? I’m not fooled, you know.”

“You say couples talk, but that’s not the only thing couples do.”

Oh god, his tone of voice alone told me where this was going, and I didn’t like it. But I couldn’t stop the bus now that the wheels were turning. I sat up, ready to let my boyfriend take his best shot.

“I get you,” I said.

“You do?”

I nodded reservedly, saying, “Of course I do.”

“You want me to spill my guts and tell you what’s wrong, but you wouldn’t speak up about what was bothering you on that jog?”

Shit!

Now he really had backed me into a corner. All I could do was lie or disengage from the conversation altogether. Neither option sounded particularly appealing, but neither did having my ass handed to me.

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about,” I said.

“Don’t bullshit me, Kayden. I know you way too well for that. The whole jog—that whole day, for chrissake—I could tell something was wrong.”

“And how did you know that?”

“You were on edge, and it showed. And the moment I brought up coming out, the whole thing escalated.”

“No, it didn’t.”

“Give me a break, Kayden.”

You know what the most infuriating thing about him was? That he was right every single time he challenged me.

Okay, maybe not every single time, but he had called me out more often than not. That was another part of being a couple that I had to get used to.

I paused, drew a deep breath, and hoped my boyfriend wouldn’t score any more points.

“You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“So, what is it?”

I combed my fingers through my hair. Erik meant to chip away at me until I finally dished about everything.

But I couldn’t spill all the tea. Doing that would out Ryan Detenbeck, no pun intended.

And naturally, Erik would keep digging even after everything had been exposed.

I also worried about how Erik would feel about Detenbeck or the team if I told him the truth. Some things were best left unsaid.

“I’m worried,” he said.

When he started talking like that, it always meant bad news.

“What’s got you so worried?”

“You know what I’m talking about. And don’t get mad that I’m bringing this up again. It’s just?—”

“I’m not mad.”

“Good. If we ever want to get anywhere, we’ve got to be able to talk about the things that bother us. I’m telling you about the things that bother me. Don’t you think you should do the same and be open?”

“I get what you’re saying…”

Sentences like that usually included ‘but’ before trailing off. Erik would’ve known that and pounced on me. I couldn’t win.

“If you get what I’m saying, I wouldn’t need to point it out,” he said. “We’re going off the rails here.”

“No, we’re not.”

“How would you know? If you can’t even share one piece of information with me, how can I ever be sure?”

“Because you’re my guy.”

“Am I going to be your guy a year from now? Five years? Ten?”

I paused. I wanted to tell him that but couldn’t predict the future. I just wanted to enjoy something great as it was happening. Leave it to Erik to make a problem of something far sooner than necessary.

“Look,” I said, “that’s not fair. I’m going with the flow, taking things one day at a time. What’s wrong with that?”

“One day at a time? Go with the flow? You’re mapped out the future more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your future plans, the ones you’ve had ridiculously laid out since I met you. If you said I’m your guy forever, it would throw a wrench into your future plans.”

“No, it wouldn’t. I could still win a minimum of six Stanley Cups rings and be the Tom Brady of hockey.”

“Yeah, you could still do those things and maybe stay the world’s biggest closet case. You technically can still have three sons, but you can kiss the idea of being married to a hot blonde with the best boobs in America goodbye.”

I snorted at that one. Even in a situation as tense as this one, I couldn’t help finding that funny.

“Admit it,” he said, “no matter how hot things have been between us, you’ve held on to that ridiculous dream of yours.”

“Come on, dude, don’t put words in my mouth.”

“I’m not putting words in your mouth. I’m just pointing out a fact. You still want those things, but you can’t have it both ways. Meanwhile, you’re with me, and you love the perks you’re getting from it.”

“Yeah, I do. And you’re loving the perks you’re getting from me. Is that so wrong?”

“It’s not wrong to love the perks, but there needs to be more, Kayden. Like I said, you love what you can get from being with me, but this isn’t a forever situation for you.”

I’m not stupid. I could fill in the blanks for the rest of this argument, and none of it was good.

It didn’t matter what I told him. He would fire back with his own argument about how I didn’t care about him and make me look like a real shit.

But I couldn’t deny that he was right about something.

I hadn’t revised my life plan, mostly because I hadn’t thought about it.

Either way, I still had this idea that I would marry a gorgeous woman with great boobs—and if they were the best in America, then even better.

That wasn’t a knock on my boyfriend. Hotness aside, he was a great guy.

I wanted to think I was already a better person thanks to the time we’d spent together.

And did I mention the sex was epic? But I hadn’t thought about the long term.

Future plans for the two of us just hadn’t entered my mind because I didn’t know how to take that next step.

Because it scared me.

That sounded like something straight out of the Erik De Ruiter playbook. But it was true, and at that moment, I would admit that only to myself.

“Look,” I said, “I don’t know what you want me to say, but I love and care about you—and only you.”

“You really mean that, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Almost all the strength drained from my voice when I spoke. My tongue and throat felt dry. That had to mean something, right?

“Can you promise you’ll be with me forever?” he asked.

“You know I can’t actually make promises like that.”

The old Kayden would’ve told girlfriends, “ Yeah, sure we’ll be together until the end of time .” Anything I had to say to pull my feet away from the fire. But I couldn’t say that to Erik. I had to be honest at all times. See? He had changed me!

“Why not?” he asked.

“Why not? Because I can’t predict the future any more than you can, bro. Things happen.”

“How do I know you won’t get tired of me and dump me one day?”

“I wouldn’t do anything like that. I’ve never even thought about it.”

“You’re just stalling now.”

Right again, Erik. Congratulations on verbally beating me to a pulp.

He collapsed back onto the mattress and stared up at the ceiling. Thank god he hadn’t started putting his clothes back on. That would really mean that the conversation was over—and worse, that I’d lost.

“I know why you’re worried,” I said. “I need you to understand that we’re at different comfort levels and that opening up to the world about some things isn’t always easy for me.”

He didn’t answer. I didn’t know whether to take that as good or bad news. I could try to talk my way around this all I wanted. It wouldn’t do me any good. Erik De Ruiter knew me better than I knew myself.

And he was probably right: If I couldn’t get my act together, we would go off the rails.

What was a hockey stud to do?