Page 48

Chapter 48

Mikey

I played a great game in New York. I even scored a goal, which isn’t that frequent for me. Assists? Sure. Goals? Not as much.

Moving on the ice pushed me back into myself. Guy was right. Why did it matter what had happened in the past for me? Jessie was willing to be with me as I was. I broke up with her, not the other way around. I wasn’t my dad, or my mom. Why did it matter who I’d had sex with before? All those women were part of the process of learning what I wanted, who I am.

I got on the plane home with a new determination. I was going to get Jessie back. I’d apologize for clamming up. I’d finally tell her that I loved her. I’d show her that she was the only person for me. I’d commit to being the man she deserves.

She could say no. She could change her mind. But I had to try.

Because what’s the point of living if you don’t take a chance on love?

I made a lightning-fast stop to a corner store to grab some flowers, dodging raindrops on the way in. Apparently, we were lucky our game was at noon and we could fly back before this big storm hit. Figures that it would storm on the day I needed to make a dramatic comeback. How cinematic. And with how Jessie hated storms so much, I was determined to be there for her.

Our apartment was eerily quiet, the rain pattering the windows the only sound. My footsteps echoed in a way they hadn’t before. Jess’s bed was neatly made and Yarn Wad wasn’t there, which isn’t like her. My bed was neatly made, too, also without Yarn Wad. A really snazzy new cream-colored suit hung from the main hook in our closet. I touched the jacket, opening it to find a liner that stopped my heart. She’d found ocelot-patterned silk for the lining.

I wanted to laugh with her about it, to tell her how clever it was, but where was she?

Had she given up? Had she left? Was the suit my farewell present? I rushed into Jessie’s room and opened her drawers. Empty. Her main sewing machine was gone, as was her suitcase.

Jessie had left. I don’t know why I was surprised. I asked her to leave me alone. She just took me seriously.

The walls were closing in on me. The air felt tight and stale. She did the thing I’d feared most. She had really given up on me.

I slid down the wall in the hallway, not trusting myself to sit without just falling over. I pulled out my phone and dialed Jessie.

No answer.

I called Guy.

“What, Mikey? I just got home to Kitty. The roads are a mess.”

I gasped in some air, my face wet. “Jessie left me. She’s... she’s gone.”

Guy hesitated. “I’m sorry, man.”

“She left. Her stuff is gone. Is she... is she there? With you?”

Guy sighed. “I feel caught in the middle here, Mike.”

“So she is. I’m on my way.”

“Mikey—”

I didn’t hear the rest because I hung up. I grabbed a whole box of granola bars from my pantry on my way out the door because I was starving and didn’t have time to think. My phone buzzed again, Guy. I didn’t have time. I had to get to her. I didn’t bother waiting for the elevator, tearing down the stairwell to get back to the parking garage.

Where the rain was light on the way home from the airport, it poured now. Jessie hated rain.

A crack of lightning whipped across the sky and I grew hysterical. Jessie hated storms. This was what her nightmares were made of. Did she feel safe at Guy and Kitty’s?

“I’m on my way, honey,” I said to no one in particular. I put my car into sport mode and went as fast as I could, being a dick and driving on the berm when I needed to get around an accident. I tried calling Jessie again, but she didn’t answer. I needed to talk her down. Even if she was mad at me, I couldn’t have her being alone with people who didn’t understand her like I did. She needed me, even if she didn’t know it.

The drive to Guy and Kitty’s should have taken about twenty-five minutes, but I made it in fifteen. I ran through the pouring rain to their door, ringing the bell over and over. Jessie’s car wasn’t in the driveway, but maybe she’d put it in the shop like I told her to.

Guy answered the door in just a pair of sweatpants, his upper body red and splotchy.

“Fuck, man, were you fucking?”

“I... uh, yeah.”

“Is she here?”

Guy rubbed his hand over his forehead. “No. She’s not here. But come in.” I slipped off my soaked shoes on their doormat as Guy called out to Kitty. “Mikey’s here, ma puce .”

Kitty’s “okay” sounded from the bedroom.

“Sorry, man. I just, I really, fuck. Where is she?”

Kitty walked in the living room with an oversized t-shirt and some sweatpants, too. Her expression was that of a funeral director. “Hey, Mike.”

I couldn’t help myself. I barged past her into the guest bedroom. Jessie’s suitcase sat open on the floor. I stormed back out to the living room.

“She moved in with you? What the hell? You could have told me, Stelle!”

“She’s been working long hours and this was closer,” Kitty consoled me, flopping on the couch. “She got the big promotion, you know.”

My heart swelled. “She did? She didn’t tell me.”

Kitty’s eyes turned murderous. “Well, I’m pretty sure you bitched her out and dumped her when she called to tell you, Michael.”

“Easy,” Guy warned, raising his eyebrows at Kitty. Kitty’s attention was on her phone anyway, a soft “oh shit” issuing from her lips. She got up and went into the kitchen.

“Hey! What’s wrong? I saw I missed some calls.”

I rushed into the kitchen. “Is it her? Where is she?” I mouthed.

Kitty held up a finger to silence me. “Can you drop a pin? And slow down, it’s hard to understand you. Is a tow truck coming?”

Of course. Her fucking car. And it was storming on top of it all.

Jessie’s voice rushed through Kitty’s phone. “Deep breaths, Jess. Are you safe? Are you on the 5?”

Muffled sobs came through, with a little shriek as thunder rumbled in the background. I heard a faint “I’m fine.”

“Send me that pin. I’m leaving now,” I said, racing for the door.

Kitty ran after me as I tore out the front door, grabbing my shoes as I went.

“You’d better have your shit together, Michael! Don’t you hurt her!” Kitty raged. What was with these women in our lives who went absolutely apeshit when they were mad? Kitty was about as scary as mad Jessalyn.

“Hurt her? Are you fucking kidding me? Her car’s broken down and she’s afraid of fucking storms, Kitty! I’m going to help her!”

Guy held Kitty back. “Sweetheart, he’s fine. Let him go.”

The last glimpse I got of them was Guy holding Kitty from behind, both of them waving to me with worried eyes.

* * *

Jessie’s car wasn’t even fully pulled off the road, her hazards still on. It looked like some other car had side-swiped hers.

Oh, God. What if she was hurt?

I yelled her name, the rain somehow even harder than before. This storm business was no joke. I opened the passenger door and looked in, but she wasn’t there.

I left the car and ran toward the overpass ahead of me, still yelling for her. I didn’t see a person anywhere, but with the rain coming down so hard and people still driving by, I couldn’t see anything. Under the bridge, I’d be able to look better.

Finally out of the rain, I searched for any sign of her. And there, up in the rafters, was a shivering figure. There was Jessie, balled up with her knees under her chin, soaking wet and shaking as a rumble of thunder jostled the air. I ran for her.

“Jessalyn, baby, are you okay?”

She was stuffed up in that little corner where the bridge meets the overpass, in between two pillars.

“Can you come out of there, honey? I don’t know if I can fit in there with you.”

She cried harder, silent sobs wracking her.

“Let me take you home. Please.”

Her voice came out as a shriek. “This is the safest place to be in a storm.”

My heart shattered. She was terrified. “I’m coming in there. Just hang on.”

“No! You can’t shut me out and come walking back into my life! You dumped me!”

“I know, honey. I’m so sorry. A lot happened, but that’s no excuse.”

Another rumble of thunder boomed, and she sat, lips quivering as she cried.

“Hon, please let me be here for you now. I know I fucked up, but I can’t watch you like this.”

I flattened myself to the ground and army-crawled to get up next to her, then pulled her down a bit so I could hold her. Her eyes widened, resisting leaving her safe space.

“It’s okay. We’ll stay up high here. You’re safe, Jessie.”

I cradled her in my lap, letting her cry and shake and do whatever she needed to do. I had a better look at her car from that vantage point.

“Christ, did your front wheel just fall off?”

Jessie sniffled. “Yeah.”

“We’re going to get you a new car tomorrow.”

She stiffened. “The tow truck’s coming. They can fix it. I can get a ride to work.”

I swallowed my frustration at her stubbornness. It wasn’t going to help my case if I bossed her around at the moment. “When is it coming?”

“Couple hours, maybe. They had a few calls ahead of me.”

I shook my head. “No, honey. We’re leaving before that. We’ll cash that one in and get you a new car.”

She squirmed to try and escape my grip. “I’ll wait for the tow truck.”

I stroked my hand down her back. “Jessie, I know I screwed up. I know you’re mad at me. And you have every right to be. But please let me help you.”

“I can do this on my own, Benjamin,” she said.

“I know you can. But you don’t need to prove it to me. This is something I want to do for you,” I said, catching her hazel eyes. The hurt in them told me it wasn’t just about buying her a car. “Look, I haven’t been doing okay the last week and I should have handled it better than I did.”

She drew a shuddering breath. “You shut me out, Ben. You fucked up by calling it off, and then you fucked up some more by shutting me out.”

“I know, honey. I’m so sorry. I knew how much I was hurting you, but I also couldn’t stop. I wanted to protect you from all the dark stuff. I told myself I wasn’t good enough for you. I feel like I’ve only brought trash into your life.”

“But you didn’t let me be part of that decision.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “There’s no getting around the dark stuff. That’s what makes relationships real. If we only shared the good stuff, we’d never really know each other.”

I chewed my cheek. “Guess I never really thought of it like that.”

She stared off into the storm, then looked at me after another clap of thunder. “She didn’t even scream, you know. She was just... gone.”

“Your best friend?”

She nodded. “We were out for our little sunset-watching getaway. The storm clouds were starting to cover the sunset, but we thought we still had plenty of time to get back to the cabin. The air kinda changed at one point, and our hair stood on end. We even laughed about it, not realizing the danger we were in. By the time we figured out that wasn’t a good thing, it was too late.” Tears streamed down Jess’s cheeks. I stroked her back and let her keep talking. “I threw myself on the ground, and she fell on top of me. She took the brunt of it, and she saved me. But she was just dead. No goodbye. My best friend was gone.”

She was quiet for a minute, but I could tell she wasn’t done. Her lower lip wobbled. “Sometimes I wish I was in her place, Ben.”

“Oh, honey,” I said, kissing her temple. “I’m glad you’re here. And I wish she could be, too. What was her name?”

Jessie cried harder, leaning into my chest. “Madeline. Madeline and Jessalyn.”

“Bet you two were some hell-raisers.”

She got a soft smile. “Yeah. I still think of her a lot. Not just in the nightmares. I miss her. I think I’ll always miss her. Wonder what her life would have been like if we’d gotten more time.”

I held her a little tighter. “Do you want to do something in her memory soon? Have a beach day where we talk about her?”

Jessie’s eyes rounded. “That implies we’re still hanging out.”

“Honey, I think I’ll be around you as long as you’ll have me. If I’m lucky enough for you to take me back, I don’t want to live in a world without you. I don’t want to screw up with you anymore.”

She threw her arms around my neck, and I held her close. “I think you should screw up, but you should screw up and stay.”

I had to laugh because it was so damn confusing. “What do you mean?”

She pulled back and cupped my cheeks. “Because we’re both going to screw up. But you can’t screw up and hide. You have to screw up and stay.”

A bolt of lightning touched the ground not far from the bridge, both of us jumping at the flash of light and instantaneous thunder. Jessie’s body seized up, clutching my wet shirt and balling herself up in my lap.

“I’ve got you, honey. Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe.”

I kissed her forehead and stroked her hair, her back, down her damp, cold arms. I rocked her in my lap, and before I knew it, I was singing our song. The rain slowly let up, and by the time I was done singing, it was down to a drizzle. Jessie was limp and relaxed in my arms.

“I got so scared I actually pissed myself.” Jessie gestured to her soaked pants that indeed were extra soaked in the middle. She looked miserable.

“You know what, hon?”

“What?”

“You look so pretty in your pee pants.”

She laughed, the first time I’d heard her laugh since everything fell apart. She cackled and wheezed, almost falling out of my lap.

“Are these the new fashion?” she asked on a gasp.

“If they’re not, I’ll make them the fashion. I’ll wear pee pants to my next game.”

That set her off again on another laughing jag, clutching her stomach like it hurt to laugh so hard.

“I love you, Mikey.” She said it, then clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God. Did I just say that?”

“I hope so. You know why?”

She winced. “Why?”

“Because I’m in love with you.” Her eyes rounded, gaping at me. “I’m serious, Jessalyn. I’ve been so mad at myself because I threw away this beautiful love that you’ve given me. And maybe you didn’t mean it like I do, but I love you, and I need you to know it.”

Her smile was wide. “Yeah?”

I nodded, matching her expression. “Yeah. I love you. And I love your dimple. I love your pee pants. I even love silly old Yarn Wad.”

She turned to straddle me in her pee pants, and I didn’t even care. “I love you, Ben.”

“I love you more, Jessalyn.” I held us nose to nose, drinking in her smile. “Kiss for Daddy?”

Her warm laugh rattled out. “I think you’ve earned it.”