Page 45

Chapter 45

Mikey

“Get in, Mikey!”

Coach had been shouting at me from the bench basically the whole game, and that’s how it had been on every shift.

I turned over the puck every single time I got it. I swear I heard the crowd laugh when I did it the last time.

I tried not to think about my dad watching, and how he would blame all these fuckups on me. And yeah, I’m an adult, and he wasn’t the one in pads and skates, but he fucked with my head. Plus everything else that had transpired that day.

The game was a blow-out, no thanks to me, with us taking home a 3-0 win. Obi had a hell of a game, maybe just to spite all my shit. After the game, Mom and Aunt Lori waited in the reception area. They were both all smiles, talking to Stelle when I got there like nothing was wrong. Like they hadn’t been responsible for imploding my entire world.

“Benny!” Aunt Lori cried, sweeping me into a hug. I hugged her back, but half-assed. “Tough game, kid, but you pulled through.”

I forced a smile and hugged my mom. “So proud of you, kiddo.”

I stared at my shoes, struggling to figure out what to say. Fuck it. I met my mom’s eyes. “Why have y’all been lying to me?”

“Lying? About what?” Lori asked.

Mom seemed to get it. “Lor,” she said quietly.

Guy leaned in. “You good?”

“Great,” I gritted. He clapped me on the shoulder and headed for our bus.

“Please, Benny,” Mom said. “Can we go home?”

“No. You give me a ride to my hotel, and you tell me on the way.”

I sat sullen in the back of their stinky-dog car. They had three Saint Bernards, which is like three too many. So many things clicked into place. How they’d gotten dogs together. How sometimes, it looked like Aunt Lori hadn’t “gone home” to the guest house at night when Dad was gone. Mom washing the sheets between Dad being gone and coming home.

Mom was openly sleeping with someone else while Dad was gone. I guess Dad was, too. What kind of fucked up shit was that?

“Why did you do it?” I asked as Mom pulled onto the road.

“We wanted you and Laura to have a normal childhood. We tried, Benny. We tried to work it out. But your dad cheated and I just never felt the same. Then Lori and I got closer.”

“You couldn’t have told me that at some point? Lots of kids have divorced parents! That’s normal! What’s normal about your mom and dad both having affairs, one of whom is a person we know as an aunt?” I blasted. “What’s normal about not telling your children who you are as a person, and then continuing to lie after they’re grown up?”

“Benny, you know we love you so much,” Mom started. “We didn’t want to distract you from your goals. You were so sensitive about Dad’s new family. Your stomach stuff—”

“Because you were still lying! How would you being gay have stopped me from getting here? Huh? At least I knew Aunt Lori loved me!”

“I do love you, kiddo,” Lori chimed in.

“We could have been happy, Mom. But you spent years lying to me, sneaking around! How do you think that feels? My own family doesn’t trust me. If you’d wanted me to keep it a secret, I would have done that for you. You didn’t have to come out to me, but you did to Laura, and it sucks that you felt like you couldn’t with me. I’m your son, and I love you. And you hid from me and weaved this scheme that just Dad was living a fulfilling life while you played the victim!” My stomach cramped. I’d be lucky if I ever shat normally again after the stress of this trip.

Mom cried in the front seat as she pulled into the parking lot. “We did the best we could, Benny.”

“For the record, the problem isn’t you two being gay. The problem is you two, and Dad, lying to me for my whole life. All this time I thought you were the hero, Mom. Turns out you and Dad were both the villains.”

I got out of the car and headed through the snow flurries into the hotel. A glance at my phone showed a message from Jessie.

Jessie Girl

Hope you’re okay. I’m here if you want to talk

* * *

A persistent knocking came from my hotel room door.

“Ay, Mike!”

Guy. I looked at the clock and realized how royally fucked I was. The team was supposed to be on the bus to the airport ten minutes ago. I threw open the door on my way to the bathroom.

“Fuck, Mike, it smells in here,” Guy said, waving his hand in front of his nose.

“I’m having an episode, dickhead,” I spat.

“No, like booze and just... stank,” he clarified. “We gotta get on the bus. We’re late.”

“I fucking know that, Stelle!”

“I’m gonna start throwing your shit in a bag.”

I grumbled some sort of thank you as I splashed my face and ran a wet hand through my hair. I looked like hell. Guy tossed my shirt, suit, and tie at me in the bathroom. Bottles clattered on the floor as he walked through them.

“Jesus, you managed to drink this much while you were having an episode? I don’t know what happened with your mom—”

“That’s right. You don’t.”

He sighed, tossing some of the bottles in the trash. Through the two mirrors, I saw him take some money out of his wallet and leave it for the maid. “You talk to Jessie?”

“What do you care?”

“I’m worried about you, man. You missed breakfast. You never miss breakfast unless you’re getting laid.” Horror crossed his face. “Were you with someone?”

“No! I wouldn’t do that to her!”

He leaned into the bathroom doorway as I got dressed. I was rushing so much I damn near zipped my cock into my pants. “But you’d yell at her when she calls you and dump her?”

“How do you—Kitty.” Great. That meant Jessie was crying on Kitty’s shoulder about me. And Kitty probably confirmed what a piece of shit I am, and I’d never have another shot at making it up to Jessie.

I was a fool for even holding out hope that I could make it up to her. I didn’t deserve Jessie, plain and simple. Love wasn’t in the cards for me. My family didn’t love me, and I’d been kidding myself to think that Jessie and I could be together after all the crap I’d pulled in the past.

Guy placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “We really gotta go, Mike.” I’d just been staring into the sink. My head throbbed and my stomach was on the verge of another eruption. I pulled an Imodium out of my dopp kit and chewed it up.

“Are those chewable? Whatever,” Guy said. “Come on. Let’s go.”

We were silent in the elevator, until he cleared his throat. “So, you wanna talk about it?”

“Fuck off.”

“K.” He looked the other way and fucking whistled like it was that casual. He’d always been a jokester when I was mad. Minus that one time I insulted Kitty, which I still regret.

We got to the arena in Jersey late, all because of me. Our flight was delayed, and then our bus hit traffic. One game in New Jersey, one in New York, with a day off in between. A day off in New York would usually excite me. I used to use it as an excuse to get my dick wet, but that wouldn’t be happening this time. Even if I wasn’t with Jessie, I couldn’t imagine finding any fulfillment in some random woman. I’d had the real thing. Maybe I’d just become a monk and never have sex again. I couldn’t hurt anyone that way.

I put on my headphones and blasted the saddest music I could think of, remembering Jessie’s sweet hazel eyes, how pretty she was when she lost it for me. The way at one point, I took the hurt away for her, getting her out of the bad situation with Cole. Holding her when she was scared. Becoming friends. Realizing what a big chance she was giving me by letting me try out love on her.

Then I just brought more hurt into her life. My ex-flings went on parade to show off how poor my choices had been in the past. Showing up at my apartment. Yelling at her at parties.

But it didn’t matter. Because the love I’d known was a lie.

I made the mistake of checking my phone before locking in for the game against Jersey. No more messages from Jessie. Of course there weren’t. I’d told her to leave me alone. Left her on read the night before.

I’d gotten what I wanted. She’d given up on me.

I slipped out to a bathroom stall where I lost it. I had to let her go. I had told her that I wasn’t the guy for her and she still checked in on me. Too bad I was meant to be a loner. I’d always have my friends, but true love wasn’t for me.

I wanted her so bad, but I just couldn’t keep doing all that. We were different types of people. She deserved more than what I could give her.

I’d figure out how to handle us living together when I got back. I didn’t want to leave her high and dry financially, because she didn’t deserve that either. Maybe I’d just move out and keep paying her rent. It would hurt too much to be in the same space as her and not be able to have her.

I didn’t realize I was gasping for air until Sorrento peeked under the stall.

“Open the door, Mikey,” he said quietly. “It’s gonna be alright, but you gotta let me in.”

“I’m fine,” I barked.

“I’m serious, man. Open the door.”

I unlatched the door, where I was just sitting on the toilet with my full uniform on. His hand fell to my shoulder.

“It’s gonna be fine, my man. Is this about Jessie?”

“No. Yeah. I don’t know.”

“She break up with you?”

“No, I did.”

“Why?”

“Mind your business, Sorrento.”

He chuckled a little. Fucking dick. “Bud, she’d probably take you back. She’s a sweet girl.”

“You think I don’t fucking know that?”

“You cheat on her?” he asked.

“No! Why does everyone think that?”

“I just don’t see why you dumped her. You’re obviously upset about it.”

I stood, getting in his face. “What part of mind your fucking business did you not understand, Dylan?”

He sighed, unfazed by me. “Alright. But you wanna go fuck up Jersey?”

“Let’s fuck ‘em up.”