Page 32

Chapter 32

Mikey

“So, you and Jessie seemed to have a lot of fun last night.” Guy watched me carefully as we got changed for practice.

“I guess,” I grumbled.

“Yikes,” Sorrento said. “Trouble in paradise.”

“What happened? You two were having a great time!” Guy said, sliding his pads over his head.

“Nothing.”

Guy cocked his head to the side. “Come on, man.”

“She’s just gonna leave anyway,” I said. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh?” Guy said. “Did she say she was going to leave?”

“Every time we fight, she starts packing a bag.” That was partially true. She did that the night that we first kissed. She really hadn’t done it since. A few guys laughed.

“The old bag trick,” Sorrento said knowingly.

I turned back to him, incredulous. “Wanna clue me in?”

“She wants you to beg her to stay, bro,” Sorrento said. “Give her a reason to stay. Don’t get all butt hurt. She wants to know you want her there.”

“She said she needs ‘space,’” I said. Another “ooh” rippled across the locker room.

“That’s more complicated,” Guy said. “Sometimes space means come closer, and sometimes it actually means space. But she’s kinda going through a lot, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she ran into her ex’s not-so-new girl. He’d been cheating for a while,” I said. I didn’t mention her trauma with the storms coming up just a few nights before. That didn’t seem like locker room fodder.

“Oof,” Sorrento said.

“If her ex has been cheating, she’s probably pretty scared of getting burned again,” Obi said. “He probably wasn’t exactly tending to her emotional needs either. Maybe show her you can handle it with her.”

“What makes you the expert, Oberbeck? It’s not like you’ve had tons of experience,” I snapped.

“Actually, I do—”

“Cool it, Mike,” Stelle warned. “We’re trying to help.”

I closed my eyes, knowing they were right and I was really in the wrong, with them and with Jessie. “Fuck. I yelled at her earlier.”

Guy grimaced, and the other guys wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Then it’s time to grovel.”

* * *

On the ice, I was distracted. Guy had to pry me off a bike during warmups because I was so zoned out. My stomach hurt, threatening one of my episodes from the stress. All I could think about was getting home and apologizing to Jessie. Her question kept ringing through my head: what are you so afraid of?

Her leaving. Not being good enough for her. If I was asking her to be mine, I needed to be able to stick with her. I needed to not be like Cole and my dad. Could I trust myself to be like that?

I needed to be honest with her about how I was feeling. She was right. Communication was the only way we were going to work.

Mercifully, practice was short. We had a game that night, and I hoped Jess would come. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t after how I treated her that morning. I decided to shoot her a text before I headed home. I also chugged a little Pepto Bismol to settle my furious digestive system.

I’m really sorry about this morning. I have some stuff to tell u. Wanna get lunch? Picnic on the beach?

Jessie Girl

Okay

Bring the blanket from the hall closet. It’s a good beach one. See u soon

* * *

Jessie got in my car in a sweatshirt and some leggings, looking winter beach day ready. Her hair was up in her usual half-bun, the rest of her short-ish hair left out. She was so goddamn cute.

“Hey,” I said, reaching for her hand before I put the car in gear. “I fucked up.”

“Yeah,” she sighed.

“I’m really sorry, Jessalyn. That wasn’t okay. I think I’m so afraid of losing this that I accidentally do stuff that would push you away.”

She was half turned to me in her seat, leaning her elbow on the console as she listened to me. She nodded. “Thank you for saying that. That’s the kind of honesty I meant. I know this isn’t easy for you, and I appreciate you trying to make it right.”

My heart jumped into my throat. “You’re willing to just... accept my apology?”

“I mean, I don’t like how you talked to me and stormed out when I was just trying to help you. That hurt. But I know this is all new for you, and I like you enough not to give up just because it’s not picture-perfect.”

I thought back to the fights I’d had with my friends over the years. The time I was especially mean to Guy about dating Kitty, and how they’re both still my friends today. My friends didn’t think in absolutes, and neither did Jessalyn. They were people who could see my flaws and still see the good in me, too. I felt that way about my friends and about Jessie.

It was just hard to believe that someone would see that in me. I’m a known fuck-up. I’ve seen what fans have said online when I choked in playoffs. And I’ve heard it firsthand from my dad.

Was she forgiving me too easily? Did she give Cole such easy outs? I didn’t want her being a pushover for me, but this felt like the wrong time to bring it up.

“I don’t like how I talked to you either.”

“I’ll be honest and say that if that became a pattern, you might have to worry about me leaving. I’ve put up with shit for too long.”

“Understood. I appreciate the second chance, Jessie.”

We watched each other, my thumb stroking over her hand.

“This is the hard stuff, but it’s what makes the good stuff, Ben. When you stop talking about this stuff, that’s when things fall apart.”

Up to that point, I’d just been some version of obsessed with Jessie. But in that moment, something way deeper started to take root. I had deep friendships, but I’d never experienced the depth of falling in love with a partner.

Was this what it felt like? Like flying without wings? Like the roller coaster never stops dropping? Like she’s made of liquid gold, shining in the sun and blinding in her beauty?

“Kiss for Daddy?”

“You’re ridiculous.” Jessie blushed and laughed before leaning in to kiss me.

I smirked at her. “I liked it when you called me that.”

Her dimple popped out. “Thought you might, since you called yourself that in the closet. And when you asked for a kiss.”

“I do want to be your Daddy though. I want to take care of you, Jessalyn.”

She gave a soft snort. “I don’t need a hero, Ben. I’m not a damsel in distress.”

I kissed the back of her hand. “I know you don’t. That’s why it’s even more fun to pamper you. You could do it yourself, but I want you to feel what it’s like to be spoiled.”

I put the car in gear and headed for the beach.

“Who spoils you, though?” she asked.

“You.”

“I don’t spoil you. I haven’t done hardly anything but accept all your gifts and favors and generosity.”

“You ask me about my day. You make me smile. You care about me. You believe in me. That’s spoiled enough for me.”

She was quiet for a minute. Her voice was crackly when she spoke. “You deserve the world, Benny.”

A chill went through me. Whatever force of fate brought us together deserved a thank you card. My heart felt like it was radiating fucking sunshine.

I spread a blanket on the sand and pulled out some things I grabbed at a deli, particularly a tuna sandwich for her. We talked and laughed while we ate, spotting orcas out in the distance. We speculated on what kind of mayhem they were getting into, making each other laugh. After we ate and packed our trash in a bag, I sat with my arm around Jessie, her head on my shoulder. I kissed her temple and she turned to smile at me. I could see so much in her eyes, and I felt ready to tell her about the hard stuff.

“I’m a mess, Jessalyn. I’m afraid of screwing all this up.”

She didn’t say anything, just gazed at me curiously and waited for me to go on.

“When I was a kid, my mom found this robin’s egg that had fallen out of a tree in my Kentucky grandma’s yard. It wasn’t broken. I knew it was so special, and I got terrified when she asked me to hold it. I held it so carefully, but with all my nervousness, I dropped the egg on the pavement.”

Jessie’s eyes went straight to heartbreak. She turned so she was facing me, legs crossed and her hand holding mine. “That’s so sad, Ben. You must have been so upset.”

“Oh, devastated. Embarrassed. Mad at myself. She trusted me and I got so nervous I screwed it up.” I swallowed and went on, turning to face her and mirror her posture. “I feel like you’re my robin’s egg, Jessalyn.”

She winced. “I’m not that fragile.”

“Yeah, but you’re going through a lot. And I don’t know if I’m going to handle it all right. I want to be good enough for you.”

She laced our other hands together and shook them. “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. I don’t expect you to cure me from a rotten relationship. And I’m here for you just like you’re here for me, okay?”

I pressed my mouth into a line. “This might be rude, but you said we needed to communicate.”

She gave me a nervous look and took a deep breath. “Bring it on, Jockey.”

“Why did you fake with him? I don’t want you to get into a place where you just suck it up with me, too. I want you to be vocal about what you need. Not just in bed.”

Jessie looked out at the water, considering. I was so afraid she was going to shut down on me, but she started talking. “It started one time, you know. I was tired and just wanted to be through with it so I could sleep. Not like I didn’t want to, I just wasn’t as into it that time as he was. But then he just seemed so relieved that I came when he did that I realized maybe I’d been doing it all wrong before. And then I couldn’t get off. Then I started to feel like I was broken. And that didn’t seem like his fault. It seemed like mine. So I just... kept pretending.”

My lips went into a pout. “You’re not broken, baby.”

“I know. But it took you calling me out for me to see that. You got me all interested in sex again, you hornball.”

I laughed. “Aren’t you glad, though?”

“Yeah, I’m glad.” Jess’s face went more serious. “Now do I get to ask a question?”

“Open book, baby. Fire away.”

“What’s the deal with your dad?”

I blew out a breath. Honesty. “Well, my parents had a weird relationship when I was growing up.”

She studied me. “Weird, how?”

“My dad started cheating on my mom, and then he got some woman pregnant when he was on a business trip in Kansas City. She showed up with a baby when I was nine, and I just hid out for weeks. Aunt Lori moved into the guest house in our backyard around then, too. Dad started spending Monday to Friday with his Kansas City family and coming back on weekends. Aunt Lori basically became my stand-in dad. And then when Dad was around, I just felt the pressure to make him stay somehow. It was just... really tough on me. I felt like he gave up on us, all because he couldn’t stop lying and cheating. I don’t know what good relationships look like. That’s part of what scares me about us.”

She squeezed our joined hands. “That’s a lot, Benny. Definitely a weird situation. I know that wasn’t easy for you to say. I’m glad you shared it.”

I hung my head between us. “This is all pretty intimidating, Jessie.”

“You scared of me?”

“No. Scared of me. I don’t want to end up like them.”

She pulled back so I had to meet her eyes. “If you get scared, just squeeze my hand.”

I pulled her into a crushing hug. “What if I just squeeze you?”

She laughed into my neck. “That works, too.”

I held her face in my hands, her soft smile dissolving the training wheels that held me back from love. I wanted to grow into a person who could give and receive love, and not just hide from deeper commitments. I needed to be that for Jess, for myself. I brought her in for a kiss, sealing my trust in her, in the delicate new bond we shared. We kissed for a long while on the beach, not even giving a shit that it was the middle of the day. This beautiful, wonderful person was giving me a chance to love her, and I was damn well going to give it my best shot.