Page 43

Chapter 43

Mikey

It was like my body was revolting to touching down in Detroit. My dad was going to come be my guest for team lunch, and I had a pit in my stomach about it. I purposely didn’t keep in touch with my dad, even though he and my mom were still together and I talked to my mom all the time.

I’d never get over how he spent so much time away from us growing up. Laura and I didn’t deserve it. Mom didn’t deserve it. Aunt Lori had been more of a dad to me than my actual dad. She was the one who picked me up from school when Mom couldn’t. She threw a ball with me in the backyard when Mom cooked dinner. Hell, she even moved into the guest house in our backyard when I was nine, effectively becoming my mom’s live-in bestie.

To Dad’s credit, he did spend the long Saturdays at the rink with me. He came home from his business trips late on Friday nights, but he was always up for those ridiculously early wake-ups to drive me to play hockey. But when he was there, he was always critical. And I felt pressure to perform well so he’d keep coming to my games. That was the only time we got, so I had to make it count.

On this day, I spotted Dad in the stands during morning skate, watching me in the same posture he always had: standing with his hands folded behind his back, brow furrowed. He’d asked if he could come visit while I was in town with the team, and I couldn’t find a good reason to say no.

My stomach had been a fucking mess that whole road trip. My IBS was really having a field day with all the stress I was under: seeing my dad, fighting with Jess, fighting with Leroy about his evil wife, and trying to figure out when I could move us out of that apartment. Jess and I had mostly made up, but I hated that my actions made her feel so insecure. How was I any better than Cole? I was the shitty one, not her.

So my stomach raged on: cramping, digesting shit weird, and generally not doing its job. I did all my little tricks to try and get it back to functional, but it was what it was. I couldn’t afford to miss games because of it. Not after the fight with Leroy, who continued knocking me around any chance he got during practice. I was sure Dad would have something to say about that, too.

Dad met me in the tunnel after I got changed. “You looked a little sloppy out there, son.”

My jaw clenched, as did my stomach. “Hi, Dad. Good to see you, too.”

He had the good sense to look at least mildly chastised. “I’m not saying it to be rude, Ben. I’m worried about you’s all. Is your stomach giving you trouble again?”

Funny of him to care now. He didn’t seem affected when it started, when a woman with a baby showed up on our front porch saying she wanted me to meet my little brother. I was nine at the time.

“I’m fine, Dad. Let’s go eat.” I shuffled him off to the lunchroom Detroit provided. The catering was at least pretty good that day. I stayed away from anything with my trigger foods in it, sticking to stuff that was easy to digest. I got a second smoothie from the table and put together a very bare-bones sandwich.

“How’s everything going for you?” I asked when we sat. “Haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“Phones work two ways, Ben,” he said. “I really don’t understand why you’re so bitter with me. I provided you with everything. The hockey camps, the clubs.”

A quiet went over the room. Dad and I sat alone. Stelle, Obi, and Sorrento were at the next table. Stelle gave me a sympathetic grimace, and Obi launched a loud new conversation. My friends were deeply familiar with how hard things were between me and my dad.

“Giving money doesn’t make you a father,” I hissed. “You were never there. You screwed Mom over.”

Dad had the nerve to roll his eyes. “This has nothing to do with your mother, Ben. Your mother and I have an understanding.”

“It has everything to do with her! Aunt Lori had to be my substitute dad while you were out fucking around with your other family that you chose over us. Or families. I don’t even know how many there are.”

“There’s just one. Don’t be so dramatic,” Dad snapped. “Your mom broke my heart. Made me look like a fucking fool.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Mom wasn’t the one stepping out on you.”

“Wasn’t she?”

My stomach cramped in response to the shit Dad brought into my life. “What are you saying?”

“Your mother stopped being interested in me... intimately. She met Lori and decided that’s who she wanted.”

My head spun. The room felt small. “Mom’s gay?”

“Not so loud,” he said, yanking me up by the arm and pulling me into the hallway.

“Aunt Lori is Mom’s...”

“Partner. Yes. Your mom and I were on the rocks, and I made a mistake while I was on a business trip. I was honest with her about it, and I wanted to work it out. She agreed, wanting to give your sister some stability. While we were working on it, we had you. But she wasn’t interested in me that way anymore. I started traveling more for business. She encouraged me to see other people. One of those people got pregnant. Lori and Deb got closer, but we agreed to keep the arrangement going. We didn’t want to split the house for you kids or make it hard for you playing hockey. We decided it was better if no one knew. I also had obligations in Kansas City, so I spent weeks with them and weekends with you.”

My lungs felt oxygen-starved, having to remind myself to suck in a breath. My phone buzzed in my hand, “Jessie Girl” showing on the screen. “How do I know you’re not lying?”

He sat forward. “Look, son, I know it’s a lot. I probably should have clued you in sooner. But it hurt to see your mom moving on without me, so I moved on.”

I wanted to slap him. “It wasn’t just Mom that you had to worry about! You had me and Laura! How could you just leave us because you couldn’t get over your shit? You picked another family over us, why, because you got your feelings hurt? And didn’t you deserve it? What does a ‘mistake on a business trip’ even mean?”

He scrubbed a hand across his face. “Ben.”

“You know what’s the most fucked up? I’m standing here today because I thought if I just played hockey good enough, you’d stay. There were times I wanted to quit, but you and I always had hockey. I pushed harder because that was the only way I could get you to love me.”

“Son, that’s not—”

“I need to go,” I said, gesturing to the lunchroom. “Don’t call me again.”

* * *

“Hi, brother of mine,” Laura crooned on the other end. “To what do I owe this honor?”

“Hey. Um. I just saw Dad.” My older sister and I didn’t talk as much as we should, but I always knew she was there for me.

“Big Benny!” came a shout from the background. My nephew was three, and I was thrilled he still remembered me enough to get excited when I called.

“Hi, Mason,” I said. “You being good for your mama?”

“He can’t hear you. He’s just yelling,” Laura said. “What’s going on with Dad?”

“Laura, I—” I couldn’t say more without crying, something I really didn’t have time to do.

“Aw, Benny. What happened?”

“He told me something really fucked up.”

“Like what?”

“Did you know? About Mom and Lori?” I didn’t want to just blab it if she didn’t know. I didn’t want her finding out like I did.

“What about them?”

“That they’re, you know, partners?”

Laura was quiet for a long while.

“It’s fucked up, right?”

“Benny,” she started. I could tell from her tone that I was the last to know.

“What the fuck! You knew? How long have you known?”

“Ben, it’s complicated,” she said.

“How. Long.”

“High school,” Laura said, “but don’t take it personally.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to not take it personally? Everyone else has known and I’ve just been stuck out here, because why? Because everyone thinks I’m some kind of bigot? Because I can’t handle the truth? Because Mom and Dad are both lying pieces of shit and no one wanted me to know?”

“Ben, that’s not fair. I caught Mom and Lori, ya know, doing stuff.”

“Easy for you to say it’s not fair. You’ve been lying to me. Pretending I was right whenever I said it was all Dad’s fault. Is this why Dad still comes to visit you? You two are so chummy?”

“I have kids, Ben. They deserve to know their grandfather. And their uncle, for that matter, but you’re always so busy,” Laura huffed.

“Oh, you want me to know your kids, but you don’t want me to know the truth about our parents? Fuck off, Laura.”

I hung up.

* * *

I was folded in half on the toilet, absolutely miserable, when my phone rang again. Jessie Girl. We hadn’t talked much about my stomach issues. She knew I needed Lactaid, but otherwise, I tried to hide it from her, using a different bathroom if I had an episode. I’d only had one rough day since we got together. I guess being happy is good for digestion or something. A few times I had bad gas in front of her, though I just laughed it off. One night, though, she did rub my arm and ask if I was okay. I should have told her. I was pretty sure she loved me. But it’s something I wish didn’t happen to me, and I wanted to shield her from the less savory parts of myself.

I let the call go to voicemail. I couldn’t deal with Jessie. I loved her, but I was reeling from my family drama. My parents and sister had been lying to me my whole life.

My mom and Aunt Lori were supposed to meet me after the game, too. I’d purposely put them after my meeting with my dad, because I don’t like dealing with the strained dynamic between my parents.

Why didn’t my mom feel like she could be out with me? Hockey isn’t known for being the most accepting sport, but I wasn’t part of that. It’s fine if people are gay. Why would Mom let me blame Dad all those years without bothering to correct me? I guess he had cheated at some point, but it seemed like that was water under the bridge. Mom let me think he was some serial cheater. Only recently had she asked me to forgive him, and that was without explanation.

And what kind of partner could I be if my own family didn’t trust me? How could I ever love someone if the only love I’d ever known was a lie?

My phone rang again a few minutes later. Jessie again.

I chose to answer. “Hello?”

Her voice was shaky and quiet. “Hey. Can you talk for a minute?”

“I’m kind of in the middle of something,” I said.

“Are you okay, Ben? You don’t sound good.”

“Yes,” I grunted as a cramp passed through me. “I’m fine. What’s up?”

“Oh. Okay. Well, I, um, work’s just really crazy and—” she started to cry, “I just wanted to talk to you.”

I broke. I couldn’t be a support to Jessie and deal with my parents’ lies and my traitorous body and my past coming back to bite me all at the same time. All I’d brought Jessie was pain, and mess, and complication. I would never be worthy of her. She was better off without me. “Jessie, I can’t deal with your work right now.”

“W-what?” She sounded stunned. “I mean, okay. Did you get to see your family?”

“Look, you need someone better than me, Jessie.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just do yourself a favor and leave me alone.” I hated myself for saying it. I knew I was hurting her, but it was either hurt her one last time or keep bringing misery into her life. The old flings showing up. Assholes talking shit about her on the ice to piss me off. My own teammates’ wives making her feel like shit for being who she is, for things I’ve done.

“Ben, did something happen? This isn’t like you. I’m not letting you do this. Something’s wrong.”

She was far, far too good for me. All I’d ever do was ruin everything for her, and she was too blind to see it.

“Go, Jessie!” I had to tell her before I changed my mind. “I can’t deal with all this! I can’t deal with you, and them, and everything else. Go find your relationship guy, because it ain’t me.”

I hung up.