Page 64

“If it was anyone but Oz, you’d be the first one to dump the pizza on the floor, just to send a message.” Holly critiqued, sounding disapproving of Natalie’s common courtesy.

“If it were anyone else but Oz, I wouldn’t even be here to have the pizza.” Nat retorted, returning to her seat and carefully eating her slice. “I want Oz to be happy, that’s all.”

“Still trying to seduce him?”

Nat didn’t bother responding.

“Yep.” Holly answered her own question. “And how’s that going, girlfriend?”

“…Not well.” Nat made a face. “He’s hard to impress. I jumped out a window and beat up a guy the other day, and he didn’t care. I’ve never tried to get the attention of someone… nice before. It’s hard. I don’t understand what he wants me to do. ”

“Be nice?” Holly guessed.

Mull snorted at the idea. “Oh, fuck that .” She took a bite of her pizza.

“I think the problem is Natalie. Fuck Natalie. She can’t get the job done.

” She took another bite of her slice, gesturing to her face with her other hand.

“It’s like trying to be sexy when you look like a goddamn Precious Moments figurine. ”

“Some men go for ‘wholesome.’” Holly thought aloud.

“I’d take ‘sex goddess’ any day.” She crossed her legs, then uncrossed them again because the chair was too stiff and uncomfortable to attempt to sit like that without resulting in debilitating spinal injury.

“We spoke with this woman this morning who was like… wow . You look at her and are positive that somewhere in the world there’s a horny teenage boy with only two wishes left.

A woman like that would have no trouble convincing Oz to overlook the billions of bacteria and viruses crawling all over her skin. ”

Holly made a disgusted face and slowly put down her food. “Ew.”

Mull waved a dismissive hand at her. “Oh, I’m told everyone has them. Don’t act like it’s just me. You’re crawling with microbes and viruses too.” Mull angrily took another bite, still dwelling on the woman. “Fucking evil bitch. Oz played it all cool, but I know he was thinking it.”

“It’s really difficult for me to imagine Oz thinking about any woman sexually.” Holly sounded equal parts amazed and disturbed by the thought. “I always kinda figured that if he ever got an erection, he’d cry and then go pray about it.”

“And you just know she was all over him too. Telling him how handsome he was and asking to represent him…”

“Represent him in what?”

“Porn.” Mull paused for a beat. “I should kill her.” Her voice grew harsher. “Teach her a lesson about trying to keep me from what’s mine.. .”

“Wait, wait, wait…” Holly sat up straighter in her chair, “you’re talking about Oklahoma Mike ? Monty’s whore?”

“Yeah.”

“Oooh, girlfriend,” Holly let out a low sympathetic whistle, “you’d better hope she doesn’t want your man.

Because you know I love you and all, so no offense, but 9 out of 10 men would pick her over you.

And the last guy would probably pick the 9 other men.

” She grabbed another slice of pizza. “Sorry.”

“Oz wouldn’t touch that woman.”

“I think you’d be surprised at what men will touch if it has breasts.”

“His problem is his obsessions and rituals.” Mull thought aloud, ignoring Holly. “But I’ve been reading this book about it, and…”

“You’re reading self-help books to fix your creepy virgin almost-boyfriend?” Holly summarized. “ Silent Night , you used to be cooler than this. What the hell happened to you, Mull?”

“I am not Multifarious,” Mull corrected, “today I am… Tamponade !”

Holly silently processed that for a beat. “Your codename has got ‘tampon’ in it? Wow. That is not a choice I would have made.”

“It’s completely different!” Mull protested. “It means to shove something into a wound on a battlefield, in order to hold in blood and…” She trailed off, frowning. “Shit. You’re right. That’s a terrible name. And I have to put up with it all day.”

Holly nodded in commiseration. “Sucks to be you sometimes, girl.”

Mull opened her mouth to reply to that, but she moved her arm too suddenly and one single pepperoni slipped off of her pizza.

It all happened in slow-motion, the greasy circle of meat gradually tumbling towards the carpet and there was nothing Mull could do.

It impacted the white berber carpet, juuuust missing the sanitary plastic cover which protected the other 99.

9% of its surface, and leaving behind a nasty spot.

Oz undoubtedly had the carpet steam-cleaned every few days, but there was no way that stain was going anywhere. Ever.

She glanced over at Holly and met the woman’s eyes for a long moment, sharing the horror.

Then Mull stood up and quickly moved the chair so that the foot was on that exact spot, hiding the stain.

Holly nodded mockingly. “Honesty is very important in a relationship.”

“You rat me out and I’ll tell him you did it.” Mull warned seriously.

Holly held up her hands, disavowing the argument.

Somehow the woman had managed to eat her entire meal and not get a single crumb on her hands or Santa suit.

Mull HATED people who could do that. Personally, she’d always been unable to eat or drink anything and not leave behind some debris or evidence.

It was one more reason why she and Oz were doomed to failure.

But… she really liked Oz.

Trying to start dating him was doomed to catastrophe and humiliation, but Mull thought it was worth the risk.

And Natalie was completely certain of that fact.

“It’ll be fine.” Holly assured her, sensing the problem. “He won’t care.”

“He cares about a lot of things we’d both assume he wouldn’t, Holl.”

“He’s so smitten with you, you could dump the entire contents of the trash on his head and he’d just praise your aim.”

Mull wasn’t so sure. Oz’s mind sometimes held him prisoner. Mull could relate to that. But either way, it was entirely possible that Oz would absolutely freak out over the carpet. It could send him into some kind of meltdown, triggering every single one of his worst rituals at once.

She considered that silently, wondering what her reaction to that would be.

While she was debating it with herself, she noticed for the first time that Oz’s walls had a new addition. At some point today, someone had moved the Lone Ranger poster and had replaced it with a flatscreen TV.

She pursed her lips in thought… no, wait. That had been her , hadn’t it? She’d bought the TV. Because Oz needed to be open to more things and stop worrying so much. And, also, she obviously didn’t want to miss her shows just because she was in protective custody in his apartment.

The screen currently displayed what appeared to be a cheap teen soap opera from the 90s. On the couch in front of it, Vaudeville and Traitor watched the screen intently.

The show’s title came up, showing that it was A World of No . On screen, a pretty high school age girl with black hair and shining blue eyes was sitting in an ice cream parlor, glaring at the blonde cheerleader sitting at another table. The girl’s eyes were so blue they looked computer generated.

“Who’s that?” Traitor asked.

“That’s Veronica. She’s the villainess of the show.” Cory informed him, obviously an expert on the intricacies of the series. “She was on my show as well. My best friend.”

“Your actual friend or her character on your show was the friend of the character you played?” Holly inquired, turning to look at the screen.

Cory shrugged. “Same thing.”

“Wait, wait…” Traitor began, “I know her, don’t I? She went on to star in that terrible movie where the director was high as balls and started replacing the cast with those creepy puppets, right?” He nodded, having identified the girl. “Yeah, I remember her. Whatever happened to her?”

“She starred in that terrible movie with the creepy puppets, directed by a dude who was high as balls.” Cory repeated in a deadpan.

“Ah.” Traitor nodded. “Yeah. I guess it is hard to come back from that. Shame.”

“Well, she did that one Murder at Stabbington Lake sequel.” Cory added, apparently familiar with the girl’s entire filmography. “The fourth one.”

“’The Re-Sex-ening’?” Holly asked.

Cory nodded. “I’ve always felt her performance as Tina the camp counselor was overlooked during awards season.

” He decided, like a film critic. “While I prefer the narrative flow of television, she brought an understated gravitas to the character. Sometimes the right actress can turn a small part into a memorable role and steal the entire film. She’s a very talented woman. An artist.”

Traitor turned to watch the old TV show again. “I remember the shower scene of that movie, but not much else.”

“Shut up.” Cory bit out.

“Dude, I mean, not to sound weird, but it makes me view that stupid puppet movie in a whooooole new light.” Traitor clapped his hands together. “Holy fuck! Just thinking about…”

“ Shut up! ” Cory snapped, fury in his tone.

Discussing TV shows with Cory was often dramatic.

Cory had the ability to travel in and out of any television screen, so bashing his favorite TV shows was like criticizing someone’s family; you just didn’t do it.

Unless you were a complete asshole, like Arn.

In which case, you did it all the time. Because you didn’t care about anyone else.