Page 47

“Oz already likes me, it’s just a matter of the whole physical part.” Mull explained.

“Uh-huh.” Holly turned the page of her book. “You know what’s sexy?”

Mull crossed her fingers theatrically. “Please don’t say ‘dinosaurs’… please don’t say ‘dinosaurs’… ”

“Not ‘dinosaurs’ plural, no. That’s just ridiculous.” Holly scoffed at the idea. “Dinosaurs are utterly monogamous once they find their fated ‘Lizard Mate.’ Everyone knows that.”

“ That doesn’t even make sense! ” Mull shouted, pointing at the book. “And even if it did, it still couldn’t be a human, because dinosaurs laid fucking eggs! How would that even work if they married a human woman!?!”

“I read one about the Loch Ness Monster and a captive Druid girl once, who was a virgin sacrifice to him. Not to overstate, but I believe it brought meaning to life and made all subsequent works of man and god superfluous. Pretty fucking hot, you know? I’d plug that into my veins if it were possible.

Made my insides feel like one of those vintage bubble-lights on a Christmas tree.

” Holly rearranged her head. “ Totally holly jolly.”

“Have you noticed that all of your books seem to have the same setup?”

“Who are you now? A book critic? Is that your fucking power today?” Holly casually flipped her off.

“Sweet baby Jesus, just shut up about all the cool stuff you’re too lame to understand, okay?

You just sit there and work on how to keep your ex from killing you and how to keep your current boyfriend from vomiting on you during sex because he’s a virgin and you disgust him, and let me get back to my story, okay? ”

“You’re failing the Bechdel Test right now.” Mull deadpanned. “I want you to know that.”

“The Bechdel Test can blow me.” Holly rolled her eyes. “In the real world, I’m free to badmouth or lust after any man I want, and you get to listen to every goddamn word of it. That’s a law. What’s the point of having girlfriends if you can’t complain to them about the idiot guys you know?”

“Companionship?”

Holly waved the book. “That’s why I’ve got this , thanks.

No offense, but the romantic dramas of ‘Danyalayla and Tyrannox, the Dino King’ are more entertaining than you.

I tolerate you, but this is my real friend.

” She settled down with her book again.

“In the sequel, his brother the Carnatorus shows up and there’s a threesome.

But don’t spoil it for me, I’m working up to it.

I think the brother is going to be my favorite character.

” She made a low hum of pleasure. “Ooooh… he’s so forbidden and dangerous … ”

“In all seriousness, Natalie, I think if you like Oz, you two can work things out.” Lexie assured her earnestly.

“Yes, he sometimes gets weird with his compulsions, but… it’s not like he can control them ri ght now.

He’s sick and we can’t blame him for that.

He needs treatment. Exposure therapy, an environment of pure safety, that kind of thing.

” She paused. “I believe that he cares for you a great deal too. And that’s something that you two need to work on, whether or not it’s hard. ”

“Like the fact that your psychotic ex will get a sexual thrill out of gutting him in front of you, or the fact that there seems to be an entire country trying to kill you now.” Holly added.

Mull spread her arms out in exasperation. “Why are you even here, Holly? Huh!?!”

“I’m reading my book.” She reminded them. “I’m thinking about joining the Consortium’s Book Club and this is last week’s reading. Say what you will about him, but Sydney can recommend one hell of a good erotica novel.”

They sat in silence for several moments, as Mull considered her situation and felt that it was more and more helpless.

“I just…” Mull heaved another sigh. “I’m wondering if Oz even wants me.”

“It’s a confusing time for you right now.” Lexie said softly. “But I genuinely believe that Oz can help you through that.”

“Men aren’t confusing.” Holly agreed. “I mean, every villainess claims to have the magical ability to ‘control men’s minds,’ but really, the only thing you need in order to have control over men’s minds is the ability to make doughnuts while naked.” She shrugged. “They’re a simple gender.”

Lexie frowned over at her. “You make doughnuts while naked?”

“I can do a lot of things naked.” Holly announced, with obvious pride.

Mull squinted at her. “Are you being serious right now?”

“Not even I know.” Holly shrugged. “It’s all very post-ironic.”

“Well, I’m not domestic.” Mull said flatly. “So your point is moot.”

“Well, then you need to slut yourself up some.” Holly suggested. “Show more skin.”

Mull shook her head again. “My standard costume is designed to be tactical and as a consequence, it covers my entire body. But when I wear it around, people think I’m hiding who I am or something.”

“Generally speaking, most people think that, when you wear a mask at all times and refuse to tell them who you are.” Holly took on an exaggerated mystified face, like she sarcastically couldn’t understand that reasoning. “Go figure.”

“Just because I don’t like to put everything I got on display in my costume,” she gestured at Holly’s dress, which accentuated her sexbomb-y build, “doesn’t mean that I’m hiding or that it’s a safety blanket. It just means that I prefer more utilitarian things.”

“Hey!” Holly looked insulted. “My outfit is very utilitarian!”

“Low-cut red velvet Santa dresses aren’t ‘utilitarian’ in a fight.”

“I’m basically bullet-proof.” Holly shook her head. “Not really seeing a need for scratchy body armor.” She took on a wizened tone. “Freedom of movement is the most important thing in a fight, to say nothing about my everyday comfort.”

“You live at the North Pole, Holl.” She argued. “As in: ‘subzero temperatures.’ Generally speaking, that’s also not proper polar attire unless you want to have breast reduction surgery with a little help from frostbite .”

“Oh, I only live up there sometimes. Hardly at all anymore. I split my time between here and the South Pole. And I’ll have you know my dress is lined. ”

“That makes all the difference then.” She agreed sarcastically. “According to Paige King, that yell-y TV bitch that’s not that other TV bitch, you’re setting a bad example for all the little girls and aspiring heroines out there.”

“Yes, because there’s nothing more empowering than listening to other people when they tell you what to wear.

” Holly snorted at that idea. “They’re just jealous that I can whoop their asses in heels, that’s all.

But really, I’m only trying to make it fairer for my victims. If I wore flats all the time, I’d just embarrass them before they died. ”

“My point is that my costume is plenty sexy on its own.” Mull insisted. “I don’t have to show skin.”

“Up until a few days ago, none of us knew you were a woman, because you’re wearing basically the same outfit that an old guy wore during World War II.

” Holly deadpanned. “That’s not really sending out the ‘Tell me about it, Stud’ vibe you’re looking for right now.

” She shrugged, like the truth was self-evident.

“You want to get a present, you gotta leave out the cookies and milk.”

“That’s possibly your most disgusting and yet somehow confusing Christmas-themed sex metaphor ever.” Mull decided. “Wow.”

“Yeah, I’m proud of that one too.” Holly agreed, looking pleased. “It really came together, didn’t it?” She started eating a candy cane she produced from somewhere. “Besides, since when are you interested in this kind of thing?”

“I think it’s part of my personality today.”

“Well, that sucks. I’d just stay in bed all day if my mind kept telling me to dress like deceased male veterans from the Greatest Generation, and be unhappy with my body.”

“I am perfectly happy with my body,” Mull began, “and I don’t think…”

The key hit the lock and both Lexie and Mull were instantly on their feet, ready for a fight.

Holly took another sip of alcohol from her gingerbread man shaped flask, and didn’t bother to look up from her book.

Oz opened the door. “Is everyone okay?”

“Nothing stirring here, Oz.” Holly called.

“Just hanging out in the empty warehouse you call a home, trying to find something to do. As it turns out, some days are fit for nothing but sitting around and mentally undressing coworkers.” She glanced over at Lexie and frowned.

“Of course, it’s usually more interesting than this.

” She shook her head in disgust. “You need a makeover , girl.”

Oz hurried into the apartment, looking upset about something. “So you haven’t been watching this then?”

“Watching what?” Mull frowned.

“You don’t own a TV, Romeo.” Holly reminded him. “We all tried staring at the place on the wall where one normally would be, but it didn’t seem to do the trick. Your wall color is boring too and we quickly tired of the ‘Semi-gloss Hospital White’ show.”

Mull glared at Holly, her temper on the verge of snapping.

Holly winked at her. “Relax. I know what I’m doing.”

Oz tapped several buttons on the computer and the screen switched to show a news conference.

Connie Storms, that bitch from the news who wasn’t Paige King, was summarizing what appeared to be a press conference with the Agletarians.

And a tall man with mottled orange skin, who appeared to be…

“Uh-oh.” Lexie shook her head. “Mack’s not going to like that Monty was right about the ‘aliens’ thing.”

“General Skrlj,” Connie continued, “the city wants to…”

“Are you fucking kidding me!?!” Mull gasped, staring at the letters on screen. “That’s not a name, that’s a bad hand at Scrabble.”

“We need to hear this.” Oz reminded her. “These are the men who are trying to kill you.”

“Well… some of them, anyway.” Holly added. “These are just the ones she didn’t sleep with first.”

On screen, the Agletarian general was espousing his crazy ideology, mixed with denials of responsibility for… anything, really.

Apparently, the small assembly was in town for a meeting with the government and was now leaving again. They were going back home. Supposedly.

“I don’t understand why Skrlj…” Oz began.

“It’s like, Christ, man. Buy a fucking vowel.” Mull interrupted, unable to get over that.

“If he’s here to kill you, we need to know why and how that connects to Mercygiver.” Oz continued.

Mull continued watching the screen. “Shiiit… I hope that other guy’s not really an alien. I do not have a space themed power set today. I’d be utterly useless in space.”

“I don’t think that’s the most important part of this situation, Natalie.” Oz shook his head. “The important part is that now your enemy has a name and a face.”

Mull snorted at that idea. “He’s not my villain.

He’s just some asshole.” She waved a hand in dismissal.

“My nemesis would be way cooler than that, I’m just saying.

He’d somehow be tied into my origin story, not some underling from a country I’ve never even visited.

And his name would be one I could actually pronounce without sounding like a sneeze.

” She shook her head vehemently. “No, no… fuck him. I refuse to be involved with his idiocy. Let someone else handle it. He can be their nemesis, I don’t want to be associated with him.

I’ll wait for the next evil power-hungry general guy, thanks.

” She rolled her eyes. “And why am I watching an info dump about space aliens, anyway? I don’t care. I’m changing the channel.”

“But they’re here to kill you! ” Oz insisted.

“No, they’re not.” She shook her head again. “They’re just here to…”

General Skrlj turned his head, and Mull’s words died on her lips.

“Oooooh, shit.” She winced. “On second thought… we might have a problem, yeah.”

On the screen, Skrlj flipped his ponytail back over his shoulder.

“That’s ‘General Ponytail,’” she ran her hand through her hair, “I kinda killed his father and uncles this one time.”

“Why?”

“Because the Consortium paid me to.”