Page 45

Mull shrugged helplessly, unable to explain the man’s mind.

The next box was a “Happy Retirement” picture frame, and the final one contained a woman’s feather hat.

They both stared at the objects, completely mystified.

Mull shrugged again. “I have no idea why he has all of this.” She set about cleaning up the wrapping paper. “We sell this shit at the store, but I don’t know why Oz would buy it.”

“Maybe he’s so unloved and alone that he buys things for himself?

But then… doesn’t open them?” Holly guessed.

“That’s so sad and creepy. And displays a really shitty gift-giving ability, you’ll need to watch out for that if you want to continue this relationship with him.

” Holly gave up opening the gifts, which was really saying something about their quality, since Holly LOVED opening presents more than basically anything else in the world.

“Oz is one of the weirdest people I’ve ever met.

” She flopped back down onto the couch.

“You should introduce him to my brother E.N., I bet they’d get along famously. He’s creepy and obsessive too.”

“Oz… he has a few quirks, but I think he’s really coming out of his shell lately.”

“The only time I’ve ever seen him have any fun is when he’s with you, I’ll give you that.” Holly went back to her book. “He was almost normal in Tijuana with us.”

“What a delightful trip that was.” Lexington added, turning away from the TV show she was watching on the laptop. “Such a beautiful country.”

Mull flopped down into one of the chairs, which was covered in a disposable and undoubtedly sterile plastic covering.

They could perform fucking brain surgery in this room. Using nothing for the scalpel but the sharpness of the hospital corners on Oz’s bed sheets. He’d somehow managed to fold those things to the width of one electron!

It was so clean that in his spare time, Oz could assemble microprocessors on the toilet seats.

They could eat off of Oz’s floor and it’d literally be cleaner than any dish in Natalie’s apartment.

“What am I supposed to do, Holl?” She asked, feeling lost. She didn’t know how her situation with Oz could possibly come to a satisfactory conclusion. The man was just… so very, very different than she was.

Holly turned the page in her book, looking more interested in it than in Natalie.

The piece of literature was titled “ Sexual Tyrannosaurus, ” and its cover showed the aforementioned dinosaur looming over a bound cavegirl, who was wearing the remains of a tattered cheetah skin and appeared to be on the verge of orgasm just from looking at the vicious creature about to mount her.

The tagline promised “When Beauty met Beast, the result was Jurassic Sparks .”

Personally, Natalie had no idea how such a relationship could possibly work on a physical level, let alone emotional, since it involved a large extinct lizard, but she wasn’t one to judge others for their insanity.

“Forget him.” Holl shrugged. “Personally, I think you just need someone to,” Holly turned the page in her book, reading aloud a passage, “ ’make your womanhood quiver in anticipation of his pulsating carnivorous masculinity .

’” She pondered that for a moment, as if giving the issue serious thought.

“That’s never happened to me. Maybe I should start dating other species… ”

“I’ve never really thought of dinosaurs as being especially masculine. Or of them being sex symbols before.” Mull pointed to the cover. “To say nothing of the fact that they weren’t even around when people were. Or that the entire concept is just… gross.”

“You’re just like the other small-minded cave people, girl.

” Holl looked aghast at Mull’s judgmental attitude.

“Trying to stand in the way of their love because their timeless reptilian passion threatens your narrow little world.” She pointed at the back of the book.

“It’s right here: ‘ Passion Knows No Epoch .”

Mull ran a hand through her hair. “If it’s a narrow worldview to not dream about fucking Barney, then I guess I’m narrow-minded.”

She paused, now wondering if Oz would freak out that she’d just touched her hair and then one of the sterile and antiseptic surfaces in his apartment.

Should she wash her hands first? Or the surface of the chair, then her hands?

Was there some kind of industrial solvent she’d need to clean everything with?

“All I’m saying is that ‘Tyrannox, the Lizard King’ wouldn’t be so weird about his girlfriend.” Holly turned her page. “And he sure wouldn’t live in such a creepy apartment.”

“Maybe his cave-girlfriend is fine with it, because she recognizes that it’s a complicated pre-historic world, and that he needs her.” Mull pointed at the cover. “Maybe she doesn’t want to push.”

“What the fuck do I care about her ?” Holly snorted.

“I don’t give a shit what her story is, I want to read about the lizard.

” She made a face. “No one reads the book for the girl. Hell, I barely know her name. She’s just there to be my generic stand-in and not do anything that pisses me off too much. ”

“Why don’t you read something with an interesting heroine?”

“Because I don’t give a shit about the heroine, I just want a possessive and dangerous hero.”

“You know what? I was with a ‘possessive and dangerous’ man for a while. As it turns out, it’s not so much fun. I’ll take a strong and gentle guy who treats me like his treasure, thanks.” Mull decided. “Besides, you would kick the shit out of any ‘possessive’ man, Holl.”

“Well, I also wouldn’t want to fight the Predator, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the movie. What I enjoy reading isn’t what I enjoy living. If it was, I’d just live it and save myself the four bucks.”

Mull considered that for a beat. “I would love to fight a Predator. Fuck, that would be cool.”

“And I don’t deny you that.” Holly turned another page, obviously bored with Mull’s personal drama. “But wouldn’t you rather read about him fucking some innocent little village girl first?”

“Dammit. I probably would.” Mull admitted. “I just don’t understand the point of your book, that’s all. He’s a lizard! He doesn’t fucking bathe! What would that smell like after he’s been feasting on a dead brachiosaur!?!”

Holly eyed her over the top of her book.

“You’re one of those women who votes for her to choose Raoul over the Phantom of the Opera, aren’t you?

” She shook her head in condemnation. “Sweet baby Jesus, how can you live when you’re that boring?

Why not just overdose on sleeping pills.

I don’t read books to see people make good decisions.

I want the road less traveled. I want spectacularly inappropriate pairings, that make me equal parts uncomfortable and turned-on.

I pay my $4 to see a virgin cavegirl get fucked into unconsciousness by a goddamned horny T-rex!

” She shook the book at her. “Your problem is that you don’t know what awesome is, that’s all.

None of that boring ‘Chick Lit’ holding hands bullshit.

Nope. This is just the good stuff .” She tapped one gloved finger on the cover.

“Right here. If you wrote your Christmas list, asking for ‘awesome shit that’s guaranteed to brighten your day,’ this is what the workshop would deliver. I know that for a fact.”

“Your dad leaves people porn under the tree?”

“Only if they’ve been very good or very naughty.” She sounded completely dismissive of Mull’s criticisms. “And I’ll have you know that this is one of my niece’s favorite books. I read it to her every time I see her.”

“How old is the niece?”

“Seven.”

“You should never be around children.” Mull deadpanned.

“You sound like my idiot brother now.” She turned another page. “Again, Oz and he would really get along.”

“I just…” Mull trailed off. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Well, what was the last serious conversation about this you had with him?”

“…We talked about my ex, and my crippling mental problems, and I told him we could never be together.”

Holly nodded sarcastically. “Smooth. That’s the way to win the boy’s heart.”

Mull made a face, recognizing that was probably true. “How am I supposed to reach Oz?”

“Sex.” Holly answered immediately.

“He freaks out about kissing, you really think I can get him into bed without him melting down? ”

Holly glanced at her over the top of the book again, looking more interested. “You kissed him?”

“Well… he kissed me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And there was some petting going on…”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh...”

“And… then he got all weird and decided he needed to wash his hands.”

Holly burst out laughing.

Mull’s face darkened. “This is the kind of shit I’d mention in my 13 Reasons Why. ” She deadpanned. “You’d be tape number one , bitch.”

Holly wiped a tear of mirth from her eye. “He touched you, then went to wash his hands.” She burst out laughing again. “Oh, that’s a move you won’t find in any one of these books.” She shook the novel at her, then went back to reading. “Oz, Oz, Oz… you’re a treasure .”

“He said it had nothing to do with me, it had to do with the buttons in my elevator.” Mull defended, feeling oddly offended on his behalf.

“The oldest excuse in the book.” Holly replied sarcastically.

“It’s… it’s actually kinda sweet, if you think about it.”

“You’re reaching. It’s not sweet, it’s creepy and insulting.”

“No, he just didn’t want me to get dirty.”

“See, I’d prefer a man who likes it when things get dirty.”

“That’s not who Oz is.” Mull looked down at the floor for a moment, her voice softening. “He’s… delicate. He thinks he’s very strong, but he needs to be protected. He’s fragile, in some ways.”

“And boring.”

“But he’s not.”

Holly turned the page. “Your boyfriend is like expensive olive oil, girl: extra virgin.”

Mull rolled her eyes. “Oh, he is not.”