Page 13 of Not Afraid to Trust Again

A few weeks had passed since the miscarriage, and I was slowly feeling better.

Every morning, I prayed to God to give me peace and to help me through the grieving process.

It was crazy that my baby was only weeks old, but I loved it so much without seeing his or her face.

Sometimes, I would picture how it would come out, but then I would cry.

I was tired of crying, so when Kyden suggested we spend the day together outside of the house, I didn’t hesitate to agree.

I figured fresh air would do me some good, and my sister encouraged it as well.

She and Kyden had been checking on me daily but still gave me space when I needed it.

The only thing they requested of me was that I at least respond to their text messages, so they’d know I was okay.

My sister hadn’t done any more pop-up visits, but Kyden came by every single day.

Sometimes, he stayed the night, and we would watch movies and chill.

I wanted to tell him everything that had been going on with me, but I didn’t know how.

The nightmares had come back, and he was there a few times, but he never pushed me to tell him. I knew one day I needed to.

I felt like he was holding something back as well, but I never asked. I figured he’d tell me whatever it was when it was time, just like I would.

Kyden had been a godsend. He was just as hurt as I was, but he catered to my feelings. Sometimes, I felt like he was handling it too well, like he was relieved the baby didn’t make it, but then I would tell myself I was crazy for thinking that.

If he truly didn’t care, he wouldn’t be around the way he had been, and he wouldn’t have gotten me the gift he gave me.

I hadn’t taken the necklace off since the day he put it on me, and I never would.

I loved it, and it was a constant reminder of our baby.

I thought it was the sweetest gift, and it made me cry so hard when I opened the box it came in.

It felt like things were getting back on track with us, but I wasn’t sure when I would completely feel like myself again.

There was no timeline either. I just took each day as it came.

If I wanted to cry, I did. I always allowed myself the opportunity to sit with my emotions, but I tried not to let it go on for too long.

I started journaling and reading the bible more, and they both helped tremendously. I didn’t talk too much about the different emotions I experienced, but I knew I had a good support system that would be there for me when I needed them, and that was comforting enough.

Kyden said he had to handle some business before we left, so I ate breakfast then got dressed.

In the last couple of weeks, the weather had gotten colder, so I put on a sweatsuit with some boots, and I would probably wear one of my vests because my coats got too hot sometimes.

He told me we were going to hang out in Pinewood Mountains for a little bit, so we would be spending time in the car, and who knew what else he had planned.

As long as he didn’t try to go skiing, I was good.

I laughed at the thought because there was no way anybody would find me on some skis.

I didn’t feel like doing anything with my hair, so I put it in a ponytail then put a hat on. If we were going to be walking around, I wanted my ears to be warm.

My doorbell rang just as I finished putting my look together. I made sure I had my phone and bag, then headed downstairs.

Kyden chewed a piece of gum as he rubbed his hands together when I opened the door.

“Do you not have gloves?” I teased.

He rushed past me into the house, and I laughed as I closed the doors.

“Hello to you, too, Elise.” He blew in his hands then opened his arms.

I walked over to him, and he pulled me into his cold chest.

“Hello, Kyden. Do you know your coat is cold, right?” I inhaled his cologne and closed my eyes. It didn’t matter how cold he was, it felt good to be in his arms.

He chuckled. “I do, but since you got jokes, I wanted you to feel just how cold it was.”

I sucked my teeth and stepped out of his grasp.

“You ain’t right.” I giggled. “I’m ready if you are.”

“You’re not putting a coat on?”

I looked down at my vest. “Is this not good enough?”

His eyes glanced down at my boots then back up. Heat flooded my cheeks when he licked his lips. I hadn’t been thinking about sex, especially since we couldn’t have it, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t turned on. Kyden cleared his throat like his mind had traveled to the same place as mine.

“It’s fine, but we might be walking around, and it is cold as hell and probably colder in the mountains.”

“You’re right. I’ll be right back.” I left him in the living room while I went upstairs to get a coat from the closet.

I didn’t consider the fact that the mountains tended to be colder than it was in town.

While I was in the closet, I grabbed a scarf as well.

It was better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

Kyden was busy on his phone when I came down the steps, but as soon as he noticed me, he put the phone away and smiled at me.

“That’s better. I don’t need you to get sick while I’m trying to make you feel better.” He reached his hand out toward me, and I placed mine into his.

“Aren’t you sweet?”

“I am.” He winked then led me to the front door.

I locked up my house, and we walked to his truck that he left running. Thank goodness. It was cold, and I would have hated to get into a cold vehicle. He helped me inside then closed the door.

“You weren’t lying about the weather,” I acknowledged when he got in.

“I told you. I have a feeling it’s going to be a brutal winter.”

Kyden somehow always knew what the weather would be.

At first, I thought he was an undercover weatherman or something, but he told me he just liked knowing the weather since he had to be outside a lot.

I guess it made sense. I hardly checked the weather because I knew he would tell me if I needed an umbrella or something.

Once we were both buckled in and comfortable, Kyden backed out of the driveway.

A minute or so after we got down the street, he grabbed my hand and kissed it.

“How have you been feeling?”

He asked me every day how I had been feeling, and some days I lied because I didn’t want him to worry about me. This time, I decided to be honest though.

“It varies, you know? One minute, I’m good.

The next, I’m crying. Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed, but I know I can’t live like that forever.

” I absentmindedly ran my finger over the charm of my necklace.

I realized at some point that I did that whenever I thought or talked about the baby.

Kyden glanced my way and kissed the back of my hand again.

“That’s normal. I’ve been feeling the same way.

I might not say much about it, but it fucked me up.

I try to be strong for you, but when I’m alone, I cry and shit.

I get angry. Sometimes, I wonder what I could have done to prevent it, but there was nothing either of us could do.

Like I told you, though, you aren’t alone in this.

If you want to talk, you know how to reach me. ”

“The same goes for you. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to hide your emotions from me.

You said we are in this together, and that means every feeling and emotion you experience, you can share that with me.

I want to be the backbone for you as you are for me.

That’s what I’m supposed to do as your partner. ”

I let his hand go and wiped the lone tear that had fallen.

Men oftentimes felt like they couldn’t show too much emotion because of what society said, but I didn’t want that for Kyden.

I wanted him to be at peace when we were together.

He cried around me right after the miscarriage, but since then, he’d been putting on this brave face for my sake. That wasn’t necessary to me.

He grabbed my hand again. “You are that for me and then some, Elise. I’m at peace knowing you are good. That’s the only thing that matters to me.”

It seemed like he wanted to say something else but kept it to himself for some reason.

“I love you, Ky.” I felt the need to tell him as often as possible.

“I love you too.”

The energy had gotten heavy, so we talked about light stuff as we continued the drive. By the time we got to the mountains, I felt better and was ready to enjoy our day.