Page 12 of Not Afraid to Trust Again

When Elise confirmed she was up to seeing me, I arranged for someone to cover for me.

I’d been calling her since the day she put me out of her hospital room, and I drove myself crazy with worry every time my calls went unanswered.

I got even more worried when Janae told me she hadn’t heard from her either.

I was relieved when she told me she would pop up on her because that was my next step.

I wanted to give her space, but I needed to know if she was okay.

I hadn’t been okay since finding out we lost the baby, but I spent most of my time working or worrying about Elise.

I needed to keep myself busy because every idle minute I had, I thought about the baby and would cry and question God on why He would take our baby so soon.

I was angry and hurt, and I knew there had to have been a reason why it happened, but that didn’t make the pain lessen.

I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because nobody besides Janae knew we were even expecting. And now, I didn’t think Elise would want to tell anyone about it. I wasn’t going to speak on it unless she agreed. The only thing I could do was pretend everything was okay when inside I was losing it.

I woke up early to head to Elise’s house.

I had planned on cooking her breakfast and catering to her for the day.

I didn’t want her to have to do anything but relax.

If I was hurting from the loss, I knew she was feeling it ten times worse.

I couldn’t take her pain away, but I would do what I could to make her feel better.

After stopping at the grocery store to get what I needed, I headed to her. I probably should have told her when I was on my way because I stood on her porch freezing my balls off while I waited for her to answer the door. The weather had drastically changed over the last couple of days.

My heart pumped harder against my chest when I heard the locks disengage.

It had been days since I had laid eyes on her, and I was nervous.

Just because she agreed to see me, that didn’t mean she wasn’t still angry, and if she wasn’t, I wasn’t sure she wouldn’t become angry at some point.

This time, I wasn’t leaving until we talked.

“Kyden, what are you doing here so early?” She rubbed her eyes as she stood in the doorway with a purple robe on.

I hated the look of sadness in her eyes. I could tell she had been crying at some point within the last few hours. Her eyes were still red, and her face was puffy. I wanted to pull her into my arms, but it was too cold outside, and I didn’t need her neighbors to see her in her robe.

“Hi, Elise. Are you going to let me in? It’s cold as hell out here.” I chuckled.

“Oh, yes.” She stepped back to give me room to enter. “You just threw me off being here so early. I was still in bed.”

She locked the doors and walked toward the living room.

I put the bags down on the floor and took my coat off.

“Come here.”

Her feet moved slowly across the plush carpet.

As soon as she reached me, I opened my arms and held her against me.

After a few seconds, I felt her body shake against mine.

I rubbed my hand up and down her back as she cried.

Her hair smelled like she had washed it recently.

I lifted my head toward the ceiling to try and keep my tears at bay.

“I’m sorry for blaming you,” she mumbled against my chest.

“Shh. It’s fine. I understand why you did.” My voice cracked as I released my tears.

It was hard holding them in while she cried and apologized. It wasn’t okay when it happened, but I wasn’t trying to dwell on that. I just wanted us to get back on track as much as we could. It would take time for us to recover, but it didn’t matter as long as we did that shit together.

We stood in the middle of her living room for a few minutes until we got ourselves together.

I pulled back some to look into her eyes but kept my arms around her.

“If I could carry all of your pain, I would. I love you, Elise, and there is nothing in this world that you would ever have to carry on your own. Give all that shit to me, and I got you. I will never let you weather a storm alone.” I kissed her lips.

“Now, let’s go to the kitchen so I can make you some breakfast.”

“Sounds good.”

“How about you clean yourself up while I get the food together, then meet me in the kitchen?”

“Okay.”

I sent her away because I needed a few minutes to myself as well.

Her breaking down the way she did messed me up, and I wanted to get my mood together so we could have a good day.

I had a gift for her that would probably make her cry again, but in the meantime, I had to find a way to put a smile on her face.

While she turned to go up the stairs, I grabbed the bags from the floor and went into the kitchen. I put the bags on the counter, grabbed a paper towel, wet it, and wiped my face. After that, I washed my hands and got started.

A few minutes later, Elise entered the kitchen and sat on one of the stools at the island in the middle. She’d taken off her robe and had on silk pajamas and a silk headscarf covering her hair.

“It smells good.”

“It’s almost done.” I winked then turned back to the stove.

When the food was done, I plated it and placed it in front of her, then I made my plate and sat next to her at the island. We took a few seconds to bless the food.

“Um, I taste a little burntness on this bacon.” She held a piece of bacon up and inspected it.

“First off, burntness is not a word, and it’s just a little crispier than normal.”

She sucked her teeth and giggled. I was just happy that I was able to bring a smile to her face, even if it was only for a minute. I accidentally left the bacon in the pan longer than I should have, but it wasn’t burnt like she implied.

“If you say so. It’s good though. Thank you for making breakfast.” She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

“You’re welcome, baby. I have nothing but time, so if you don’t put me out before then, I’ll take care of lunch and dinner too.”

“Why would I put you out?”

I shrugged. “I’m just letting you know I’m here for as long as you allow me.”

“Okay.”

She laughed when I took a bite of the crunchy ass bacon. Her laughter was music to my ears, so I didn’t comment on it.

We sat in silence until we finished our food. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew we needed to talk about the baby, but only when she was ready.

Even though she tried to smile and laugh, I could see the pain in her eyes every time I looked her way.

“How about we go to the living room to talk and watch a movie?” I asked when we were done eating.

“That’s fine. Do you need me to help you?”

I leaned over and kissed her lips. “No, I got it. You find us something to watch and get comfortable. I’ll meet you in the living room when I’m done.”

She slid off the chair and went to put her plate in the sink. She came over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Thanks again.” She kissed me then left the kitchen.

I got up and proceeded to clean the kitchen.

The conversation would be tough, but it needed to be had, and I figured we could get it out of the way before we watched a movie.

I didn’t want to do anything else but hold her for the rest of the day.

More than likely, more tears would be shed, but the movie would serve as a good distraction.

When I was finished, I joined Elise in the living room. She was on the couch curled up with a blanket over her, watching a documentary.

“Can I join you?”

She looked up at me, smiled, and patted the seat next to her. “Sure.”

Before I joined her, I grabbed the gift I got for her. Her eyes lit up when I handed her the small gift bag.

“What is this?”

“Just a little something for you. Open it.” I sat next to her, already prepared for the emotions that I knew were coming.

I held my breath as she pulled out the tissue paper then the box.

As soon as she opened it, tears fell from her eyes.

She looked at me, then back at the box. I watched her as she read the card inside then rubbed her fingers over the charm of the necklace.

She stared at the necklace in the box for a few long minutes.

I noticed a couple of tears hit the box, and I reached over to wipe them as they fell.

My heart squeezed in my chest as she continued to cry, and I cried with her. I pulled her into my arms and let her cry as much as she wanted to. A few minutes later, she pulled away and wiped her face.

“I’m sorry. I keep crying on your shirt.” She gave me a closed-mouthed smile.

“Fuck this shirt. You can cry on anything you need to.” I traced circles on her back as she lay her head on my chest. “Do you want me to put it on for you?”

“Yes.” She sat back and pulled the necklace out of the box then handed it to me.

I found a necklace with a small stone and baby wings on it.

I wanted her to have something to remember the baby by, and it seemed like the best option.

I knew she would always wear it, and hopefully, it helped her feel close to the baby.

I put the necklace on her then kissed the back of her neck.

She turned around to face me and rubbed the charm.

“Thank you so much, Kyden.”

“No problem. How are you feeling?”

I watched her as she tucked a leg under her bottom.

“I’m feeling . . . better a little. It’s like I still can’t believe I was pregnant, and now, I’m not.

We hadn’t even had the chance to tell our families.

If I wouldn’t have called my sister, she wouldn’t have known either.

I still will tell my parents one day, but for now, I don’t want to talk about it if I don’t have to. ”

I could understand not wanting to discuss it, but I also didn’t agree with holding it in.

I took her hands into mine. “I don’t want you to suppress what you are feeling. Sometimes, that makes things worse.”

She looked down at her legs and said, “I know. I just don’t know how to talk about it without crying, and I’m tired of crying.” Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Oh my God, Kyden. I haven’t asked you how you are feeling.”

I lifted our joined hands, kissed the back of hers, and lifted the corner of my mouth into a smile.

“It’s all good. I’m not tripping off that.”

“It’s still not right. Janae helped me realize you were just as affected as I was. I was angry and acted like you didn’t lose a baby as well. I’m so sorry for not considering your feelings.”

“I won’t hold it against you because I knew it wasn’t intentional. I kept myself busy, but I worried about you every day since I couldn’t reach you. It hurts just as much as it hurts you, but I’m going to be strong for the both of us.”

I had to be the backbone for both of us, and I had no problem holding that title.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I didn’t want to answer it, but I had to just in case it was the temporary sheriff. I pulled it out, and it was another private number.

I had forgotten about the anonymous calls, but they hadn’t stopped. My thoughts were focused on my grief, and not on whoever chose to play on my phone. I answered, and nobody said anything.

“Everything okay?” Elise asked when I put the phone back into my pocket.

“Yes. Everything is fine.” I leaned over and kissed her nose.

I still hadn’t gotten around to telling her the secret I’d been keeping, but it was never the right time. The calls were becoming more frequent, and I knew I should tell her, but there was no way I could after this. I’d give it a little longer.

“We are going to get through this and anything else thrown our way, together. Let’s watch something funny.”

She moved closer to me and hugged me. “Thank you again, Ky.”

“No problem, baby.”

As we cuddled on the couch, I prayed the love we had for each other would be enough for us to overcome any other obstacles we may face.