Page 11 of Not Afraid to Trust Again

“Ugh, please leave me alone,” I grumbled as my phone rang for the thousandth time.

I didn’t bother answering it because it was nobody but my sister or Kyden. They were the only two who had been calling me nonstop, and it had gotten on my nerves.

A week had passed since I was released from the hospital, and I had been holed up in my bedroom.

I only left my room to eat enough food to stay alive and drink enough water to not become dehydrated.

I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone because I was hurt, angry, and sad.

One minute, I was crying; the next minute, I screamed into the silence of the room.

When I tired myself out, I would go to sleep then wake up and do it all over again.

I hadn’t even turned the television on. I wasn’t in the mood to see anybody living happy lives, especially people with babies.

I felt like losing my baby was punishment for considering not having it in the first place.

At times, I blamed Kyden because he wasn’t there when I needed him.

I called him multiple times that day, and for him not to answer made me angry.

In my mind, he was doing some shit he shouldn’t have been doing because he never ignored my calls.

The phone rang again, so I picked it up and turned it off.

I wasn’t sure why they couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to talk.

How hard could it be to leave someone alone?

I sent my parents a text message letting them know that I needed some alone time so they wouldn’t bother me.

My sister, on the other hand, wasn’t having that, and neither was Kyden.

It seemed like they had a meeting to decide when they would call because when my sister called and I didn’t answer, Kyden would call, and vice versa.

I received numerous text messages and voicemails from them both but never responded.

I probably should have, so then maybe they would have left me alone, but doing that would have taken energy that I didn’t have.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling.

As I rubbed my stomach, I thought about what my baby would have looked like.

I wondered if it would have been a boy or a girl.

My nose tingled before the tears started again.

I was so tired of crying, but I didn’t know how to make it stop.

Every time I thought I could function, something hit me, and I would break down.

How the hell would I be able to go back to work feeling like this?

It felt like I was in a dark hole with no light at the end.

My bladder forced me out of bed, so I got up to use the bathroom.

When I turned the bathroom light on, I wanted to turn it right back off.

The bright light bothered my eyes because I’d been in the dark for so long.

I hardly turned the lights on. If it were daytime, I used the sunlight coming through the windows.

If it were nighttime, I sometimes went to the bathroom in the dark.

Whenever I went to the kitchen, I used the light from the stove since it didn’t take much light to make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal.

I relieved myself and debated on taking a shower. I really didn’t have any energy to do anything. I wanted to crawl back into bed and cry myself to sleep. Everything was so fuzzy, and I wasn’t sure if I had showered the day before. I smelled a little musty, so I decided to get in.

As I let the water get scolding hot, I looked at myself in the mirror. My head pounded as I took in my appearance.

“Shit, girl. You look terrible,” I said to myself.

My eyes and face were red and puffy as hell. My curls looked matted and dried because I hadn’t wrapped my hair or anything in days.

I looked as bad as I felt, but it was time to change that. I wasn’t sure if it would help, but it was worth a shot. I needed to get out of this funk. The more I thought about climbing out, the further I sank. I felt like I was in quicksand, and I was fighting for my life to get out.

My hands gripped the sink as more tears formed in my eyes. I thought by now I’d be all cried out, but somehow, I still produced tears.

“Ahh!” I screamed as I hurled the toothbrush holder against the wall. I sank to the floor and leaned against the sink.

“Why, God? Why me?” I cried as I gripped my hair. I was fucking losing it, and there was nobody here to pull me out of this shit.

I didn’t know what to do. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. As I sat in silence, a bible verse popped into my head . It was from Psalm 31:9. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: Mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly .

I recited the verse over and over then prayed like I never prayed before. I wasn’t okay, and the only person who could help me out of it was God.

The bathroom had gotten steamy from the shower running the whole time I was on the floor.

Luckily, the water was still hot when I got in.

I stood under the water and let it wash all the pain away, at least I hoped it would.

After a minute or two, I proceeded to wash my hair and my body.

I made it through the shower without crying, so that was a win.

When I got out, I wrapped my hair and body in towels then went to my room to change the sheets. I wasn’t ready to face the world, so I kept the curtains closed. I looked at my phone and started to turn it on but quickly changed my mind. I felt a little better but not that much.

Once the sheets were changed, I dried off, moisturized my body, and put clean pajamas on.

I managed to put two big braids in my hair just so it didn’t get matted again.

I hadn’t done anything else in the house for days.

I knew stuff needed to be cleaned and dusted, but I wasn’t ready to tackle that yet.

Having the breakdown in the bathroom plus showering and washing my hair took all the energy I had out of me, so I got back in bed. I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep.

“Kanae Elise Tate, I gave you some space, but I refuse to go another day with you ignoring me and me worrying about whether you are alive or not.”

I woke up to find my sister standing over my bed and the damn curtains opened. I rubbed my eyes and turned the other way.

“Oh, no, ma’am. It’s time to get out of this bed. You have everyone worried about you, and poor Kyden is losing his mind.”

She walked around to the other side of the bed, so I opened one eye to look at her.

I sucked my teeth. “Fuck Kyden, Apple.”

I knew me calling her Apple would piss her off, but it didn’t work this time.

She smirked. “That’s not going to work. My husband calls me that, so I love that name now.”

She stuck her tongue out and climbed into the bed, forcing me to move back.

When we were younger, and one of us wasn’t feeling well, we would lie in each other’s beds. Our parents would get mad because both of us would end up sick.

“I don’t know if you have clothes on or not, so I’m not trying to get under the covers.”

I pulled the covers back. “I’m dressed, Nae.”

She scooted a little closer, and I covered us up.

Janae leaned up on her elbow and looked at me. “Seriously, how are you feeling?”

The question almost sent me into another crying spell, but I held it together and told her exactly how I’d been feeling.

“Today is the first day I felt a little better. I’ve been a mess, Nae. Like, I lost a baby. I don’t know how to come back from that.”

Her eyes softened. “I can’t say I understand, but I do to a degree. As far as how you will come back, you have to take it one day at a time. I know it’s easier said than done, but I know it’s possible. I don’t know when you will feel better, but you will one day. Take the good with the bad.”

“It’s been so hard. I broke down earlier just trying to take a shower. You and Kyden kept calling me, so I had to turn my phone off. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially him.”

“Kanae, you can’t punish him for something he couldn’t control. No matter if he were there or not, it would have been the same outcome. That man has been going through it for days. Imagine how he feels. He lost a baby as well.”

My heart stilled in my chest. I was so angry it didn’t cross my mind that Kyden could have been feeling just as bad as I was, especially after I kicked him out of my hospital room and didn’t answer any of his calls.

“He probably doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore.”

Janae rolled her eyes. “Girl, please. Trust me. If you called him, he would come running to you. He loves you and is miserable without you. You said you don’t know how you’re going to get through this, but Kyden is the one who could help you.

He’s the only one who can understand what you are feeling.

Now is the time you two need each other. ”

“I don’t know, Nae.”

“You won’t know until you try.” She leaned over and hugged me. “I love you, Sister, and you will get through this.”

We held on to each other for a minute or two, and it felt good to hug my sister. She was younger than me, but she knew how to make me feel better when I needed it.

“Thanks, Apple.” I smirked. “I love you too.”

I grabbed my phone to turn it back on to send Kyden a message, but he beat me to the punch by calling me first.

“Hello?”

“Elise.”

I closed my eyes as he released a huge sigh of relief, like a weight had been lifted.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I need to see you. I know Janae is there, so I’ll wait until tomorrow.”

I cut my eyes at my sister, and she smirked.

“Tomorrow is fine.”

“Okay. I miss you.”

Tears sprang to my eyes. It had only been a week, but I missed him as well, even through the pain I had been dealing with.

“I miss you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, baby.”

Janae stared at me with a smile on her face, and I rolled my eyes at her. We hung up the phone, and I put it back on the table.

“One day at a time,” Janae said then lay her head on the pillow.

We stayed in my bed for the rest of the day, relaxing and talking. By the time she left, I had begun to feel better and looked forward to seeing Kyden the next day. Maybe we were on the road to fixing things, and I would be able to get out of the darkness.