Page 90 of Loving Wild

“I’m gonna be brutally honest here but I feel as your friend, this needs to be said.”

“Go for it,” I say, then chug on my wine in preparation for whatever she’s about to say.

“If you do decide to go back to him,pleasestick it out. You love him, he loves you . . . obsessed with you is probably a better word. That’s where you need to start. You need to fuck everyone and everything else off out of the equation, the exes, the past abuse and violence, and you need to start with the fact that you’ve been given thisamazingly,wonderfully, beautiful second chance, and you need to hang on to that. Never lose sight of that, Loz, because you aresolucky, soverylucky to have been given this opportunity, a person, not once, but twice in your life to experience that with.”

Her words make my heart hurt, not for me, but for her, and the fact she never found the one after her ex left her pregnant and alone back when we were just fifteen.

“That’s the fluffy bullshit out the way. My version of it at least. Now for the brutal and the honest. I love you, but you really need to sort your shit out. I know Jay fucked with your head, with your self-confidence, but for fucks’ sake, Loz, are you really going to let that fucker win? Let him dictate how you live the rest of your life? You need to stop with the overthinking, stop expecting things to go wrong, learn to take a compliment, believe that when someone tells you you’re gorgeous, they’re telling the fucking truth.”

She sits back in her chair, sips her drink, then leans forward and I know she hasn’t yet finished.

“Gabe loves you. Adores you. He’s not going anywhere. He’s never fully committed to anyone, not even his wife, in his life—Ava obviously being the only exception—but he’s committed toyou. He wants you, wants a life, a future,with you. Believe that, go with that, stop fucking fighting it, and just live with it. He’s young, he has issues, this is all new to him, and he is going to fuck it all up multiple times, but that doesn’t mean you have to curl up in a ball and cry like a little bitch every time it happens. You’re the strongest woman I know. Start showing the world that mouthy little Essex bird who came to our school wearing stripy tights, Doc Martens, and a Never Mind the Bollocks T, and wanted to fight the world.”

I don’t even bother to fight the nose tingles, I just let my tears track silently down my cheeks as she talks.

“I know what Jay did has left you insecure, but I truly believe you can trust Gabe, and despite his temper, I honestly don’t think he would ever hurt you. If I didn’t think you were safe with him, there is no way I’d be allowing you to go back to him Sunday.”

She sits back, and as I wait for her to continue, she shrugs. “That’s it, that’s my ten cents worth. I’m not gonna say another word on the subject, just know I love you and will support whatever decisions you choose to make on the matter.”

* * *

I’m drifting somewherebetween consciousness and sleep when I hear and feel my phone vibrate.

Despite the two Cosmos and the bottle of wine we shared,andthe walk to and from the tapas bar, the drama of the/week/month/year/my entire fucking life, has meant that I’ve struggled to fall asleep, and the last time I checked, it was already after two in the morning.

Sliding my phone out from under the pillow next to me, Gabe’s name is on my screen with a message.

I also note that it’s now two-thirty-three. Swiping my screen, I open his message.

Gabe:I get it, I totally understand why you need time and I’m so unbelievably sorry for not respecting your wishes and for my behaviour today.

Before I’ve time to blink at the screen more than a couple of times and give a mental ‘WTF’, a link to Lifehouse, ‘Whatever it Takes’ quickly follows, I watch the video showing the lyrics as I listen to the song before I respond.

Me:Why are you awake?

Gabe:I’ve just had a ten-hour sleep.

Me:How you feeling?

Gabe:Like a fucking idiot. Babe, I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.

Me:Whatever it takes?

Gabe:Walk down Main Street naked?

Me:That won’t be a hardship for anyone. You have no issue with getting naked and the people of the peninsula will be blessed to watch you do it.

Gabe:Sweet! Does that mean I’m forgiven?

Me:Absolutely fucking NOT!

Gabe:BOO!!!!

Me:Seriously tho’, I spoke to Jess earlier, she mentioned counselling. Did she speak to you about it? Are you up for trying something like that?

Gabe:Yeah, we talked. I’ll give it a go.

Me:You don’t sound convinced. I’m happy to do it as a couple, if that’s something you’d like?