Page 77 of Loving Wild

“Gabe,” he says my name quietly.

“What?”

“This relationship shit, there’s a lot more to it than meeting a girl and falling in love. There’s a lot more to it than chemistry and great sex. It’s about trust, support, commitment, and it’s fucking hard work, mate, even under the best of circumstances, it’s hard work. You twohaven’tstarted under the best of circumstances, you’ve both been through fucked up situations, which, unfortunately means, you’re gonna have to work extra hard to make things work.” He pauses, and I hear him draw in a breath and let it out. Unconsciously, I do the same.

“But, ya know what? If you love her, if you love each other, it doesn’t feel like work, and even when it does, it’s so fucking worth it. To have that person to come home to, to reach for in the middle of the night, to pick up the phone and call when you’re having a shit day, or just because you can. All of that, it makes it worth the fight.”

I have to close my eyes at my brother’s words. He was there once. There was a time when he thought he was going to lose Jess, so I know he’s speaking straight from the heart. The thought of losing all of that with Lauren, after only just finding it, causes a pain to shoot from my chest to my head.

“Cheers, bro,” I say after a while.

“No worries. Get your shit sorted, man, she’s a great girl, and she’s good for you. Do what you gotta do to put things right.”

“I’ll try.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I end the call, climb out of my truck, and walk down my drive to go and find Lauren.

* * *

Without a word,I sit down on the sand next to her. She’s taken the elastic thing out of her hair, and the force of the wind has it whipping all around her face.

“I don’t think I’m ready for this, Gabe,” she tucks her hair behind her ear, holds it in place, and says before I get a chance to say anything.

“Ready for what?” I ask.

She turns to look at me, her face is wet, her eyes brimming with tears.

“For us . . .”

“Ren . . .”

“No, hear me out, please.”

I nod.

“I’m not strong enough to deal with what life with you is like. I’ve been going along these past weeks, living in my bubble, pretending that I can cope, but in all honesty, I can’t. I love you. I really do love you, but I’m not strong enough to fight for us. And I want to be Gabe . . .” she trails off as her lips tremble. “I really wish right now that I was stronger, that I had it in me to fight because I want this, I want us, but I’m not ready, and it’s just all making me feel inadequate, like I’m not enough, and I’m tired, so sick and tired of feeling that way.”

“You’re enough, you’re more than enough,” I tell her, burying my hands in the pockets of my hoodie so I don’t reach for her.

“But I don’t feel it. I feel like everywhere I turn right now, I’m being faced with a woman you’ve had some kind of sexual relationship with, and they’re beautiful, Gabe, whatever the circumstances behind your relationship with them, every one of those women is beautiful, and that leaves me feeling like absolute shit. I don’t want to feel like shit, I’ve had enough of feeling that way. I know it’s on me to change that, and I think that’s what I need to do. I need some time away to work on me.”

“No, fuck off. That’s not happening, Ren.”

“Gabe . . .”

“No. Get fucked. I loveyou. I’m withyou. I wantyou. . .”

“So why were you with Alysa ‘the other night’?” She air quotes the other night with her fingers. “When was this? When did it happen, and why didn’t you tell me?”

“The night I ran, after East came here . . .”

Her face crumbles as her hand flies up to cover her mouth. “You went toher?” she sobs out. “You leftme, and you went toher?”

“No, Ren, listen to me, please listen. I never went to her, I went to the only place I knew would still be open and serving drinks at that time, she just happened to be working behind the bar. She poured me a couple of drinks, then her shift ended, and she came and sat with me. She poured me drinks while I poured my fucking heart out to her, telling her how much I loved you, but how I’d let you down . . . I was a mess, Ren. I was a fucking mess, so she took my phone and called Coop and told him to come and get me. That’s all there was to it. I swear to you.”