Page 40

It’s early December. The temperature hovers around the fifties, but that doesn’t stop us from being outside.

I’ve been cuffed up with Judah for so long, I forgot how it felt to be with the rest of the gang.

This evening, we meet at Lake Julian with blankets spread out on the ground.

A few leaves flutter around us. We’ve eaten food that we brought to share with each other.

I don’t eat much because my stomach has been uneasy for the last few weeks.

Tabitha brought her boyfriend along and, like everyone else who joins the group, he fits right in. Luna is still being herself, sitting on the ground with her eyes closed and her arms stretched up toward the sky.

I look around for Judah. He’s not sitting where he was before. He’s standing at the water’s edge, staring out into the lake. I get up and walk over to him.

“Hey.”

He turns around, looks at me, and says, “Hey, sweetheart.”

I reach for his hand, grasp it, and ask, “Why are you always sneaking off?”

I ask a question that I already know the answer to.

Judah likes to think deeply and reflect on life.

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night to find him staring at me, sitting on the sofa staring at the blank TV screen, or even on the patio staring up at the sky.

He prays a lot. Silently. I don’t hear him, but I know the look.

“I was just thinking about some things. Do you feel better?”

“I feel a little better. I ate some of Moriah’s potato salad. It was delicious. Did you get a chance to eat anything?”

“Not yet. I’ll grab something in a moment.”

He wraps his arms around me and lowers his mouth to mine, kissing me beneath the stars and then whispering in my ear, “I love you, girl.”

“Love you too, babe. Now, come on back over here and hang out with us.”

“Okay, sweetheart.”

At home, I watch him closely. Upon arrival, he takes off his shoes and goes straight to the bedroom. He sits on the bed, hangs his head and then rubs his eyes. From there, he walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower. I glance at my watch. It’s 10:38.

He doesn’t come out until 11:32 – almost a full hour later. It doesn’t take anyone that long to take a shower. I’m sitting in the living room watching the news while anticipating what he’s going to do next. Will he join me? Is he going straight to bed?

I get my answer when he steps into the kitchen, opens the fridge then asks, “Do you need anything out of here?”

“No. I’m good.”

He walks into the living room, sits beside me, and then leans close, planting a kiss on my cheek. He says, “We need to talk about something.”

“Okay,” I say, powering the TV off. “What’s up?”

“I know the reason you’ve been sick, and I’m wondering why you haven’t told me yet.”

Confusion clouds my expression. I say, “Judah, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He says, “Autumn, do you really not know?”

“Do I not—okay, timeout,” I say with a racing heart. “Tell me what you’re talking about because I’m completely in the dark here.”

He gets up, goes into the bedroom, and comes out with a bag, handing it to me. I open it to see that there’s a pregnancy test inside.

“Judah, why are you giving me this?”

“You need to take it.”

I grin uncomfortably and say, “No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. You’re pregnant, Autumn.”

I laugh it off, still thinking this is somehow a joke, and say, “Judah, what are you—? I’m not pregnant.”

“You are,” he says, his tone even. Face serious. “And it all makes sense now.” He smiles softly, takes my hand into his and explains, “When we were on our honeymoon, I went out to the beach. Remember when you couldn’t find me?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“I was on the beach. It was raining. I was upset. I was praying. I asked God to leave you with something to remember me by when I’m gone.”

“Judah—”

“Wait…listen. I begged God to leave you with something so you’ll have a piece of me when I’m gone.

A few days later, we made love for the first time, something I haven’t been able to do for years.

A month after that, you started feeling sick.

It’s been three weeks, Autumn, and you’re still complaining about feeling queasy.

You’re pregnant. It’s our miracle baby.”

I blink the tears from my eyes and say, “Do you really think I’m pregnant?”

“I do, but we’ll know for sure when you take this.”

He hands me the box. “Okay. I’ma go take it.”

“Alright.”

I go to the bathroom and read the directions. I’ve never done this before. It can’t be as simple as peeing on a stick, can it? But it is.

“Okay, Autumn. Easy enough. You can do this,” I say quietly.

I take a breath and wheedle my way through it.

The hardest part about all of it is learning that Judah prayed to God to leave me something in his absence.

Why is he so certain that he’s going to leave me?

It breaks my heart for him to think that way.

Granted, I know what I signed up for. I knew it was a possibility and I convinced him to let me love him, anyway.

But he’s fine. We’re fine. Our lives together are what people dream of.

We’re good people. Surely, we’ll be okay.

But first things first. I have to pee on this stick.

I unwrap the wand and follow the instructions. Then I wait.

The waiting seems more like hours instead of minutes, but I wait.

And while I wait, I ask myself even more questions – what if I am pregnant?

Is it a girl or a boy? Do I know how to be a mother?

Will I have to do this alone? Will Judah see his child grow up?

Will he be there? For the long haul? For all the important milestones? Graduation? Marriage?

I take a breath.

Times up.

I turn around to look at the stick as it rests on the vanity.

PREGNANT.

Judah was right. I shouldn’t have doubted him. He’s always operated on a high level of intelligence and awareness. He knew something I didn’t realize about my own body. I’m growing a life. A little human.

Our little human.

In tears, I open the door to leave the bathroom. He’s standing right there behind the door with tears running down his face.

I sink into his embrace and we hold each other and just cry for a moment. Words don’t need to be spoken. We just need each other in this delicate moment.

After five minutes or so of this silence, he kisses the top of my head and asks, “Are you okay?”

I pull back to look up at him and that’s when I see the biggest smile on his teary, handsome face.

His prayers were answered. He left me a piece of him.

And as I look at him in awe, I think to myself what I’ve always thought about his fear of death – we never know when we’re going to die and that’s just the honest truth.

We just need to live every moment as if tomorrow was that day.

This news only reinforces that within me – to love him harder, kiss him longer and hold on for dear life.

“Yes, I’m okay. We have a reason to celebrate. This is wonderful, Judah. We have to tell your parents. We have to tell my parents!” I grab his hand and say, “Come on. Let’s go.”

“Where are we going, sweetheart?”

“To your parents’ house.”

“Baby, I’m not dressed.”

I look him up and down. He has on a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt.

I say, “You’re fine. We’re just taking a few steps down the street. Slide into those house slippers.”

“Autumn, my parents are probably in bed.”

“They’ll wake up. Come on. Let’s go.”

We rush out the front door and speed-walk to his parents’ house. My heart is racing, but I’m elated. Judah looks just as happy as I am.

I push the doorbell. It’s after midnight. It is a little crazy to be showing up at somebody’s house after midnight, but it is what it is. They need to know this and there’s no way I can wait until the morning to share this news with them.

I push the doorbell a few more times, and when the porch light comes on, my excitement increases. Presly opens the door rubbing his eyes and I see Adrienne behind him looking skeptically as she ties on her robe.

“Autumn, Judah—what are you doing here?” he asks. “Do y’all know what time it is?” he asks as he opens the door for us to enter.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell them. “It’s my fault, Presly. I dragged Judah over here.”

“Is everything okay?” Adrienne asks. “You look like you’ve been crying. You both do.”

“Yes. We have some good news to tell you both.”

“What’s that?”

I look at Judah, giving him the honor of telling them the news. He says, “We’re pregnant.”

Adrienne’s eyes grow big as she looks at my flat stomach. “Oh my God!” she says, closing me in a bear hug.

“Congratulations, son.”

“Have you been to the doctor?” Adrienne asks.

“No. I just took the test.”

“Well, first thing in the morning, we have to get you to a doctor to make sure everything is in order. How far along do you think you are? When did this happen? How did this happen?” she asks, firing off question after question.

“Yeah,” Presly says. “I thought you couldn’t—you know…”

“I thought I couldn’t either,” Judah answers, “But God had other plans.”

“Yes!” Adrienne says. “We’re going to get you to the doctor and everything will be just fine. Oh my—this is the best news ever! How far along do you think you are, my dear?”

“I would guess about four weeks.”

“Wow. A grandbaby,” she says. “But your stomach is so flat. Are you sure there’s something in there?”

“I’m sure, and judging by the size of your son, it’s gon’ be a big baby.”

Judah smiles. “You’re welcome.”

I laugh until tears well up in my eyes.

Presly says, “Judah, let me holla at you for a minute.”

“Okay.”

They walk away and I’m left alone with Adrienne who’s steadily suffocating me with hugs.